My Opinion Over Yours

Red Meat (Best Of...#1)

2007-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

The week has passed yet somehow I am still preparing for last Monday. It's the short weeks, like this past one, that make me think of a week as an accordion. (Not surprising since when playing word association my answers are always instruments.) They both are parts in the middle that matter and change the notes, but it's the end of the accordion where all the fun is going on. That spot where twiddling digits flick over holes and press keys can be considered the nexus of the polka universe. The end of my week is the driving (or cosmic) force behind my universe. Yes, that's right, my life can be best described as an accordian. Or at least I tell myself that to not admit that Loverboy was right, everybody is working for the weekend. I fear that truth spells doom, but the accordion metaphor will get me through the day. You can take that golden wrapped shit-nugget for all its worth.

I woke up today to go to work and noticed I had a missed call from my boss on my mobile. I had missed the call by half an hour; so unsuprisignly, when I called him back but there was no answer. He left a message, but I never listen to my messages and everyone leaves messages. This meant that I had 36 other messages to listen to before I got to his. That amount is way out ofmy oft documented toleration zone, in case you're wondering if I listened to them. The result- I went to work and no one was there. The office had closed due to flood warnings.

It's some minutes past noon and I have spent the past hour outside cleaning the inside of my car, the sun was shining the whole way through. Now unless some tidal wave, or let me say tsunami, (to sound japa-cool/thai-unsensitive) has come into town and been unable to make it past the palmetto x-way then I can't fathom how downtown Coral Gables can be flooded. Maybe the area was threatened to be flooded with South Americans and expensive restaurants, but that's another story.

This means I'm officially done with my internship. There's also a surprise happy ending to it. I'm going to be getting some type of financial compensation for the work I did. Thank the Lord.

The way I know I'm getting the bonus is b/c I sat in my office staring at the walls. After realizing no one was going to show up I spent fifteen minutes listening to messages that say 'call me back' 36 different ways in the same language (this has to be some type of grammatical feat of Guiness proportions). I think there was maybe 2 funny messages, which kept me afloat. Do people not realize I have a thing on my phone that tells me whose call I missed? Everyone knows that cell phones have caller id. Is it perceived that I'll look at my phone, see I have a missed call and say "hey, look who called, I'm sure if they really wanted to talk they'll leave a message?"

This is how it works for me- I miss your call, and I know you, then I'm going to call you back. I'm not going to listen to you prep me on what I'm about to talk to you about and then call you. I'm not a fighter pilot, I'm not a talk show host, you aren't a guest on my program, we can just jump into a conversation, there's no cards to read off of, that mug doesn't have coffee in it.

Wow I really come off sounding like crabby old man. Must be the flood.

Music Machete y Viejitos Endrogados

2005-11-16T14:15:00.000-05:00

Someone I work with volunteers at a local radio station. The station exists only on the internet as it sold its broadcasting rights a while back. It is an independent music radio station and like most stations of that format they have been taken off the air waves. http://www.woxy.com/ - that’s the station link. Check it out if you’d like to hear some relatively new and good music. The guy who volunteers there brings in CDs that he’s supposed to listen to as part of his job with them. He let someone else listen to a bunch and I made sure to pilfer through that stash and find anything I could like.

I almost gave up hope when out of pure listening frustration I picked an album I had no idea what to think of just by the cover. The band’s name is Rogue Wave and the album is named “Descended Like Vultures.” This is my attempt to claim that the music on that album s good. Bands like The Shins, Flaming Lips, and Death Cab for Cutie are garnering a huge amount of fame and Rogue Wave should definitely be considered a contemporary of those bands. Pulsating guitars, sweet sounding voices, and ambient noises are the most common ingredients used in their concoctions. They don’t do anything original but they don’t sound like a rip off either. It’s quality music and I’m sure some will find it amazing (with probably just as many finding it terrible). If you want to listen to something that’s both upbeat and relaxing at the same time give it a try. The band is at its best on songs like “10:1” Love’s Lost Guarantee” and “Are You On My Side” in case you need me to whittle it down for you. I'm just trying to relate some music I heard that might help you sift through the clutter, thats all.

My body must wonder which way I’m trying to go shape-wise. I spend more than enough in the gym after work to be considered someone who is trying to stay in shape. Still, I think I’m sending mixed messages every time I have lunch from Skyline. I’m a fan of their burritos; it’s about all I like from there. As I finished and looked down to my plate I noticed I could see something that seemed weird. Upon lifting the aforementioned finished plate I noticed that the grease from the chili had saturated not only the plate but my desk also and I could now see straight through to my shoes. My body must figure we’re going back to the fat old times we use to have around. In some sort of weird way I’m actually thankful for Skyline since eating it replaces the need to be a peeping tom, key someone’s car, or not go to church on Sundays in order to feel shameful.

In national headlines today you can find a vast amount of articles written on the new prescription drug benefits program. Since it is now taking effect many senior citizens are rushing to understand what to make out of all the new rules and requirements. In between all their doctor visits and hours musing over fruit ripeness it was very difficult for them to go over the rules before the program took effect. They were going to do it last month but then they forgot where the put their glasses and forgot why they were looking for their glasses soon after trying to look for them. Maybe if they had printed it in a larger font or provided a supplemental reading magnifying glass this wouldn’t have been a problem. You can’t expect seniors to remember everything, especially at their age and with all the worries they have.

Many of the articles you’ll find have a title like “Seniors Struggle To Grasp New Prescription Drug Benefits Program” or “New Drug Program Confusing for Elderly” or “Medicare drug plan puzzles Mainers.” These gems of journalistic originality and profoundness leads me to ask when have the combination of elderly people and new (you can add Mainers to that also) ever resulted in anything but confusion and griping. Mind you elderly people react to 95% of all situations with griping but this is serious heartfelt griping since they’re being affected where it hurts- their drugs. People who take drugs, prescription or otherwise don’t like finding out the way they get their drugs are changing, and if you think all those old farts who earned the right to be doped up through years of breathing and avoiding death are just going to drop dead and let you take their drugs you’ve got another thing coming buster. They plan on keeping their drugs and dropping dead either way; screw the rules.

As for Mainers, well, they’ve been confused about almost everything except which is the best state to live in for six months out of the year. Refer to the profuse allegiance to mullets for evidence, it puts Kentucky to shame.

It snowed on my way back from getting the chili.

My apologies if my sister forced you to read this.

Well I'm Not The World's Most Passionate Guy But

2005-11-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

Now that I’ve returned from a quick trip to New York I wonder how boring and mundane this week will seem in comparison. Either way this feeling is not a negative one; if anything it frames the good times that passed. Before I left I wondered if I would come across anything that would be entertaining to relate here. I have to admit there was no single event or activity that can justify its own passage. The main result of my trip was several realizations, so I guess my trip in the end served some cosmic life altering purpose, if only a minute one. Among these mini-epiphanies were the revelations that I should think of certain people differently, not be afraid of trying to hold an interesting conversation with strangers, Brazilian steak houses can feed you for a week in a single sitting, and that I can no longer be considered a tourist when visiting New York.

That last one came to me when my sister did a really nice thing and acquired tickets to see the sunset from the top of the Rockefeller Plaza. The observatory deck of the Rockefeller building was recently opened after not being open to the public for 40 years. As you can imagine this has become another hotspot for tourists, although I doubt there are more than three spots that aren’t hot with tourists in all of Manhattan. Still, every once in a while you need to brave the tourist frenzy and experience some of the things that make the city a very unique place. While it would be very “New Yorker” like to avoid doing the things that tourists do it wouldn’t be prudent to turn down to the opportunity to experience something rare and stimulating.

I feel like I’m trying to justify myself. Screw that, it was an amazing view and I’m happy that my sister made it happen. The thing I wanted to talk about was how I could have done without all the tourists that accompanied us. From being cut in line, pushed, shoved, guffawed, and otherwise irritated by foreign tourists I was left wondering how it is that Americans have earned such a prolific reputation as the rudest people on the planet. Most likely this belief stems from the fact that all tourists are rude and since Americans probably have the means to travel more than most nations and do so that people just come to think that Americans are extremely rude when the case is that tourists are rude no matter where they come from. It makes sense for them to be rude also. They don’t need to worry about dealing with any of their surroundings after their brief stay and can move along merrily with their slash and burn tactics when it comes to their fellow man. Either way just remember tourists are shitty to deal with, but hey at least they’re paying a part of your taxes, so just take their money and try not spit at them.

In the end there is at least one person who wasn’t too happy I also visited NY. I don’t know him, but I know it’s a “him”. He doesn’t know who I am either or that it’s me he should be hate. You see I was getting off the elevator and I noticed that one of the doors on my sister’s floor had the keys hanging from the lock. Seeing the opportunity to be cast in the starring role of “The Good Samaritan of Park Avenue, I immediately tried to do something to help the dude out. At first I thought it would be easy and I knocked on the door. No one answered so I knocked some more and rang the dinky sounding doorbell. My sister said she knew him and that I should just open the door to get his attention.

When I opened the door I figured that there was no one inside or that he was doing what I was about to do (take a nap) b/c all of the lights off. So I threw the keys into the apartment and said “Hey you left your keys hanging in the lock.” I quickly closed the door so as to add to the weird dream I thought I was inducing in his slumbering mind.

A few minutes later after I had finished congratulating myself on being such a great guy I heard something that turned everything around. I was in the bathroom and I could hear people in the hallway. I could make out someone say “Awww fuck, where are my keys!” To much chagrin it seems as though the neighbor wasn’t inside when I did my act of kindness. Yeah, that’s right; I locked him out of his own apartment.

All This has reminded me of a lesson I learned a while ago. I used to save lessons I learned into my phone for quick reference but forgot about them after a while. The next lesson I’ll put in will probably be to not forget the lessons I’ve learned.

The lesson this story is referring to is that you should not touch other people’s things even if it helps them out. I learned this a couple years back when I noticed I had parked next to a friend’s car and that his doors were unlocked. No I don’t usually check if car doors are unlocked, even though I probably should, especially if it’s a cool new car I haven’t sat in yet. This instance was different b/c this friend had just moved out of his apartment and still had a lot of stuff in his car, like a computer and such. I thought I was doing a good thing by locking his car, but then thought about it again and decided to leave it unlocked in case he had left it like that on purpose. Either way I figured I would see him soon enough and let him know.

When I did let him know I realized that I should have never touched his car at all or mentioned the fact that his car was unlocked. The guy went off on me asking me who did I think I was to be going through his car (which I didn’t do) and if I had planned on stealing anything before realizing it was his car (no, but after he said that I felt as though I should). I don’t even think he was drunk, which would have partially excused his behavior. He went on for about 15 minutes with his yelling at and berating of yours truly.

Perhaps the real lesson was that when it comes to locks don’t help someone out. Let the lock be. Don’t touch it, don’t bring it up, and definitely don’t do anything that could be considered kind or helpful.

Outside of locking the guy out of his apartment I think I had a positive effect on the people of New York and they are all better off for having me in their presence. Yes, like anything else most won’t realize it but the fortunate ones who do will look forward to my return in, umm, well, I haven’t decided that yet but it should be soon.

Here’s for ending that story with a load of crap.

I also like to say that today is one of those days that remind me how life is all about balance. When the day started I received a call from my mother to inform that my cousin’s wife was pregnant with triplets. Making this news even better was the struggle they had gone through to get to this point. It made me extremely happy to hear that he had been blessed with three children after wanting one for so long. I haven’t felt this happy for someone else in a while. Now I just pray that he’ll soon have three healthy babies to cherish.

Not too long ago though my sister called me and let me know that a friend of her and her fiancé had passed away. He played on the same rugby team as my soon-to-be brother in law. During one of their games it seems he was impacted in a way that caused him to collapse and go into a coma. It was later found that he had a hole in his heart, and that the impact had perhaps just spurred what was inevitable. Sadly there will be no recovery for him.

Even though I never knew or met him he has reminded me that life is all about balance. The fact that life is precious and should never be taken for granted is something that I am also reminded of, but in today’s world we are constantly reminded of that fact. Now I pray that his family and friends can take something meaningful away from his passing and that w/e positive outcome there is from all this is what resonates most in their lives.

Friday’s Are For Smorgasbords

2005-11-11T10:05:00.000-05:00

At least that’s what I remember my school doing throughout most of my elementary years. I probably passed through a couple grades before I realized what a smorgasbord was. At first I figured it to be some German or Eastern European dish which automatically led me to think t would be disgusting. This false assumption on my part also led to a bit of contemplation on how a school in Miami, with a predominantly Hispanic student body no less, could get away with serving some Euro-dish that sounded like a foot disease. It wasn’t until later that I realized what the word really meant- leftovers.

It was all just a glorified way of taking everything that hadn’t been cooked or served the previous four days and making a fifth day of lunch out of it. Like most kids I packed a lunch the majority of the time so it wasn’t like eating the same thing I had eaten the day before was really going to cramp my style.

My favorite thing to think about Friday smorgasbords is how they came up with the idea at my school. I’m sure they weren’t the first to do it either. The school’s board of directors probably met over budget issues for the fifteenth time one year to figure out how to save more money, and one guy probably thought he had the greatest idea when he brought up the smorgasbord concept. “We’ll only have to buy 4 days worth of lunch! Was probably his most convincing point. There after the entire board probably joined together in Mr. Burns like finger rapping as they basked in the glory of masking their budget cut with the façade of the Swedish word for a fish, eel, cheese, and egg buffet.

I actually had the same issue with “pot luck” dinners. I didn’t know what crazy American tradition that was, probably some lucky pot gathering. Either way I, being of Cuban descent, knew I’d never go to one.

So I’m bringing it back Florida Christian School style and making Friday’s here a smorgasbord. No not the fish buffet version but the other definition- a collection containing a variety of sorts of things. Wow, I didn’t realize how vague that definition was until copied it over.

Since we already started off with food I’ll let you all in on something I’ve been doing at work that probably leads some people to think I’m strange and others to believe I’m a godsend. Which side of the fence you fall depends a lot on how much you enjoy Mexican food and social interactions. My workplace isn’t any different than the majority of them in that there are some people there that would rather be by themselves with their work than spend time interacting with their coworker, but this isn’t about them. On Friday’s a few of us have made it a tradition to go eat Mexican food at a little place called Fontova’s. I mentioned going there one day while I was in training and then it got pushed back to a Friday, which then found 7 other people coming along to partake in burrito festivities. Almost immediately Friday’s became Fontova Friday’s and I made sure to do my best Mexican yelp and ethnic exclamations every time the two magic words were mentioned in my presence. If you could imagine Chairy from Pee Wee’s Playhouse being Mexican it would be what she would scream every time Pee Wee said the word of the day.

I also went on to make a flyer promoting Fontova Friday’s. These quickly became collectors’ items and the biggest Mexican food enthusiasts around the office can be identified by the presence of these flyers in their cubes. Each week I make a new one, but not this Friday. I feel I’ve done enough for Fontova already by talking about it here.

The people who work there are all Mexicans so I make sure to use my Spanish to my benefit when ever I’m there. I would say on average I pay $1.50 less than everyone else who goes with me for the same meal. It’s pretty obvious why I’m so enthusiastic about continuing to go. Still, the best Mexican food I ever had was in San Francisco.

In Superhero news we can still look towards Louisiana and Mississippi for some acts of bravery in vigilantism. That is where Karl “The Mailman” Malone is making a new name for himself. Many of you may remember Karl as part of the basketball-crime-fighting-duo: Stockton&Malone as part of the Utah Jazz professional basketball franchise. In their years together they came to exemplify the pick and roll and among other things- short shorts and Rogaine ads. These days though Karl is cleaning up the area that was demolished by Hurricane Katrina. Even though the federal government tried to stop Karl and his construction equipment (re: superhero arsenal) company from assisting in the reconstruction and relief effort The Mailman went ahead and did his best to restore life in the gulf. 115 condemned homes in Pascagoula, Mississippi were cleared by Malone with no one’s permission. Talk about seeing a problem and getting the job done. This country would be better off with more men like Malone- does the right thing even though no one asked him and has a killer jump shot.

Kudos, Mailman you have done your namesake well. Rain, sleet, snow, or red tape can’t stop you from delivering.

Most of our modern day heroes are the soldiers who fight in wars and keep the majority of us safe and free. It seems that someone in Florida felt the best way to honor the fallen men of valor and courage is by using their tombstones as a walkway outside their mobile home. Every time this person stepped outside their humble abode they were reminded that someone died so that they could walk barefoot to the back of their trailer without getting mud all over their feet. Those past wars may have been praised for preserving freedom but we should never take for granted the amount of ringworm that was avoided thanks to countless deaths in combat.

So far no one knows who these tombstones belong to. It has been two years so I’m going to post the names here to do my part to restore some of the dignity these men deserve even in death.

Allen J. Brown, Army private, World War II, 1922-1993
Steve Btewton (may be a typo), Army private, World War II, 3-19-1917 - 4-14-1984
Clarence Dixon, Army corporal, World War II, 9-11-1912 - 2-11-1984
Thomas Edison Hadley Jr., Army rank unknown, World War II, 10-7-1922 - 12-30-1980
Isaac Samford Howell, private first class, branch unknown, World War II, 1907-1994
J.C. Purifoy, Army corporal, Korea, 1930-1993
James Singletary, Army rank and war unknown, 1878-1981

Have a great weekend! I’ll be in New York so hope and pray I run into some good material on my trip.

Referencing Things Before Family Guy Makes Them Cliché

2005-11-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

I did it, or rather I didn’t do it. I went the whole night without talking about the weather. Believe me the opportunity was there but I steered clear from it. I’m pretty sure the potential weather conversation was prefaced with “Man, I think it went from 55º to 75º in a few hours.” As soon as I heard that my mind raced to find something else to talk about while also hoping someone else would jump in and provide an escape route. It’s not like I haven’t been able to stay away from this type of convo before. Lord knows I grew up hearing the Miami equivalent of that phrase- “¡Coño que frio hace!”- for two weeks every year and never felt the urge to jump into that conversation. Either way I just want to take solace in the small victory I had in being able to talk about anything other than the weather.

I don’t talk much about terrorism but now I have something to wonder aloud about it so I might as well fill up some space. Communism lasted a long time and killed a lot of people but a select few were able to exploit the system to feed their personal greed. If there is no reward for being at the top of the Al-Qaida terrorist network other than being the most hunted after person in the world then when will it grow old? When will young Arabs look to their dead countrymen and then at their alive and successful countrymen and realize that they would rather live than die? They don’t believe in reincarnation so they have as much incentive to make this life as worthwhile as any. I’m guessing that the answer to this is that as long as there are people ignorant of the fact they are doing another man’s will and not the will of the god they believe in there will be people willing to kill themselves in the name of killing others. Obviously I can not relate.

When I mentioned suggestions on things to talk about yesterday I only had one response. It was from my sister, and it was the same suggestion she had made a day earlier on what I should write about. The topic- Pirates; the issue- their comeback. Since I have no problem appeasing my sister and I have little else to talk about here it goes.

Apparently if you’re looking to earn your way into the pirating business Somalia is the place to go. Since March there have been 27 reported pirate attacks off of the Somalian coast, and many believe that the majority of the attacks do not get reported for the fear of increased insurance premiums. Here is a quote from the Somalian program co-ordinator of the Kenyan Seafarers’ Association (which I would assume is a program only countries with pirate problems have): “"If you operate in these waters (off Somalia), you must operate as if you were operating in a war zone.”

Doesn’t really paint a pretty picture does it?

The first thing that comes to mind is to stay away from Somalia. I can do that I’ve kept away for this long. To be honest if I was a contestant on the game show “Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?” and made it to the final round Somalia would be one of the countries I wouldn’t know where to put that stick that lights up when you’ve placed it on top of the right country. In other words Carmen and those pirates are safe from yours truly ever finding them in Somalia.

Obviously the pirates will move to wherever there is stuff to steal is, or in their terms where the booty is. The first thing popping into my mind is the hope that BET has not gone international. If BET airs in Somalia it is only a matter of time before Queensbridge, Brooklyn, Miami, and Atlanta are attacked.

It seems though that cruise ships that must pass through Somalian waters already have a weapon to keep pirates at bay, literally. Some scientists, or weaponologists if you will, here in America seem to have read a little too much of the Odyssey in their spare time and have invented a Siren-like weapon that shoots a beam of ultra-high pitched sound which causes extreme pain. Now if you remember a while back I spoke about the death ray the U.S. Army had invented. The one that microwaves your insides until you move out of its way. Well the Greek mythology nerds did one better than the sci-fi nerds by making this sonic weapon. Like the death ray there are not a whole lot of details on how the thing works other than if you have a grenade launcher and I have a Super Sonic Master Blaster (patent pending) it is the equivalent of when you play rock, paper, scissors, and some asshole tries to get away with pulling out the dynamite. That’s how they play in Canada (click the link to see for yourself: http://www.netlaputa.ne.jp/~tokyo3/e/janken_e.html)

So what did you learn today?
1. It feels good to not talk about the weather
2. Terrorism should grow old by its 8th season
3. My sisters have somewhat of a say in the topics I write about
4. Pirates, much like the rhythm, are gonna get‘cha
And lastly:
5. Don’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors like a Canadian

O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh

O eh, oo aah, o eh, oo aah

Yah ya goh

O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh

O eh, oo aah, o eh, oo aah

O eh, o eh

Yah ya goh

Pass The Peas Like They Used To Say

2005-11-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

The most talked about topic is the weather. At first you might think that you really don’t spend a great deal of time thinking about weather discussions, but if you actually reason it the whole idea makes sense. For instance there are probably 4 or 5 times a day you find yourself forced to speak to a familiar stranger, someone you see all the time but really know nothing about. Most people call these types of folk coworkers but that is a bit narrow-minded.

When ever I find myself stuck in an elevator with someone I can’t just ignore b/c I’m going to see him or her 5 more times that day I usually will bring up how cold or not cold it was that morning. I doubt that I’m doing this b/c I know that the weather is the most discussed topic, if anything I would keep away from it for that reason. It is just that this subject is such an easy one to talk about. We all have to deal with it and it is very hard for there to be huge disagreement over what the current weather is. Maybe it’s too cold for you or not cold enough for someone else but neither of those opinions changes the actual temperature.

I can’t just not say anything either. I’ve already learned that the anti-social person at work is the one who doesn’t like working here, therefore wants to work somewhere else and thusly won’t be promoted. The need to move up in the corporate world with the added void there is when referring to friends is motivation enough to be my most sociable self. Perhaps the thin line of being social and being diligently at work is a topic for another day, or I could just have gotten into sales or direct marketing and merged them both together. At least that way I would be motivated to fake it.

It isn’t like you can offend someone when referring to the weather outside of saying “No it’s actually very cold; you just can’t tell b/c you’re so fat,” but that’s bringing in a whole other topic all together. We can’t really blame the weather as being the offensive part of that statement now can we? More evidence of this is the fact there is no politically correct way to refer to weather patterns. This might be the only area that actually has not felt the wrath of over sensitive Americans and European immigrants.

Why am I still talking about the most talked about topic? It obviously doesn’t need to be written about anymore. This post is turning out to be like one of the Simpson episodes from the past (horrific) decade where the first 10 minutes do nothing but set up the conflict for the last 12 minutes.

Later on tonight I’ll most likely find myself among several familiar strangers. No I don’t work with any of them, but I really don’t know almost all of them. Actually I know one person; obviously it would be very strange if I just started hanging out with random strangers. I make sure there’s nothing random about the strangers I spend time with. That was a lesson re-taught to me this past weekend by the African-American version of the “Three Amigos” also known individually as Tommy Gun, Black Ice, and Fresh.

Either way I digress. What concerns me is that I won’t know what the hell to talk about in front of a bunch of people I hardly know. As much as I try to act like I don’t mind it, I really don’t like hanging out with people I don’t know. The thing is that I know it is the only way I’m going to meet anyone in this city. Tonight being one of those nights when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know in a social setting I tend to think about the uncertainty of it all or what some call awkwardness.

I'm sure all those years of being told not to talk to strangers has something to do with this petty insecurity.

I just hope I don’t end up talking about the weather. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just needed something talk about and I didn’t want it to be TV related.

Oh and the semi-annual trip to New York is just a few days away. Perhaps some good material will come from that. If anyone knows anything new and cool to do in New York, or what cool kids call “the city,” please send your suggestions this way.

Television Armageddon

2005-11-07T11:47:00.000-05:00

In Roman times there were the gladiators in the coliseum. During the renaissance crowds gathered around pits to watch beasts fight or maybe even beast vs. human. Still to this day this form of high brow entertainment exists in the form of cocks or dogs fighting for money they'll never see. That right there has a lot in common with a Don King promoted boxing match but I'll stay away from lumping boxing into this group. It seems to me that when one large group of people push towards a more sophisticated form of entertainment another swoops in and gives all of those who'd rather not push forward something to indulge in. Even Shakespeare with all his mind numbing verbiage and stimulating pentameter he still had to deal with pit fighting next door. The bestial competition even received promotion from the queen. The Roman times seem to be the exception since everyone found death to be great form of entertainment; it just had varying degrees vulgarity. Perhaps this is why the Dark Age followed its demise.
What is today’s form of sophisticated entertainment? There probably isn’t just one form of it. Most likely it is an entire landscape that includes many of its past forms, whether it is painting, sculpting, stage acting, or even at the lower end of the spectrum- blogging. Please don’t be confused and assume that interpretive dance should be lumped together with those aforementioned activities. So variety may be the most sophisticated form of entertainment these days.

On the opposite side of the spectrum it is much clearer. Like I mentioned already animal fights still exist but they are not a form of mass entertainment they function more as a way to weed out the bad people from society and to get them all in the same room. What sticks out as the most vulgar form of entertainment today is not Howard Stern or old Sam Kinison tapes but instead it is the Sunday movies brought to us by CBS.

It makes sense that at the time when people watch a wider variety of programming and no station or network can compare its ratings to those of the old days that CBS would be America’s most watched network. I’m not sure if that means it gets the highest ratings since there seems to be some doublespeak in there. Either way it is obvious why the masses are flocking to CBS above any other channel- the vulgarity. Don’t get me wrong there is little sex or foul language on CBS as the FCC has made sure of that. Yet what do we always trade in sex and foul language for at the decency bureau? Violence!

When it comes to violence CBS seems to be taken care of you on Sundays. For three straight weeks now America has had to endure the three worst made for TV movies ever. That’s right, each week; CBS ups the ante and gives us a new number 1. Here they are in reverse chronological and worst ever order:

Category 7
Vampire Bats
Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial By Fire

By only looking at who the headlining star of each these movies it is evident what level of quality the storytellers at CBS set out for from the start. Almost everyone knows Walker, Texas Ranger is none other than Chuck Norris. Great guy, but don’t get me wrong when I say you know exactly what you’re getting when he’s the main star- crap story and roundhouse kicks. Vampire Bats’ main star was none other than Lucy Lawless who most people don’t know outside of her portrayal of Xena, Warrior Princess. It is amazing to me that someone hasn’t scripted her and former WWE wrestler Chyna in a movie about crime fighting sisters yet. Lastly we have Gina Gershon at the helm of Category 7. So as to drive the steak of bad television further into the heart of America James Brolin and Shannon Doherty were cast in supporting roles.

If we are in television armageddon than Gina, Chuck, and Lucy are three of the four hoursemen. (Famine, War, and Plague repsctively)

Still just having those people in your movie doesn’t make it a terrible movie as always it comes down to the storytelling. I already mentioned what you get from Walker, Texas Ranger, where some bad guys in cowboy hats commit some crime and Chuck Norris shows up to do some roundhouse kicks and break some chairs over the heads of criminals.

Do I need to explain Vampire Bats? OK, there’s people who have blood and bats that want it. Instead of filing some papers with the Red Cross the bats choose to cut out the middle man and use their teeth as a way to get to that sweet human nectar. Maybe if bats had a more organized form of self governing or opposable thumbs they would have gone the Red Cross route. Blind or not Lucy Lawless wasn’t about to take the time to explain when she’s so damn good at kicking ass, mythical beast or not.

Category 7. What category? Oh you mean Hurricanes! Of course how could I forget, wasn’t there a whole city somewhere wiped away by one not too long ago? Good thing you mad a movie about it before I forgot everything I learned about Hurricanes as people died and lost their homes. Talk about striking when the iron is hot. A hurricane destroys the world, folks. That’s it. I just saved you 3 hours. You have to assume they were half assing it by choosing a weather pattern to destroy earth. At least Godzilla had some personality.

I guess just take this as a warning to not “flip through” and watch w/e if playing on CBS on Sunday nights. Definitely don’t go to work the next day bragging to your friends (soon to be former friends) about how great the movie you saw on CBS last night was. Please take my advice. It will probably shave 9 months off of your promotion if you stay away from that type of conversation. No need to thank me.

Squeeze!

2005-11-04T17:31:00.000-05:00

First things first, my friend James Partridge is trying to make money and you all can earn some free kudos by helping him out. No he isn’t a bum and either way I don’t promote bummage or hobory so you shouldn’t have assumed that. James is a musician at heart and a student by obligation. He’s entered a contest where he had to make a new version of a song that is featured in the soon to be released movie “Just Friends.” The song is called “Jaime Smiles” and I think James did a great job with the song, perhaps even better than the original. Actually after watching a preview of the movie it seems James’ version should have been the one the guy plays in the movie. I’m not just saying this b/c he’s a friend I’m saying it b/c he’s a friend who brought it up.

Check it out at: http://www.myspace.com/jimmywhisper
The real version can be found @:
http://www.myspace.com/http:/www.myspace.com/justfriendsmovie

He’s got other songs of his there. I won’t make you listen to those but I’m sure James would appreciate it either way. But he would appreciate more the $10,000 prize for winning the contest. So send a message to the movie’s site and tell them to pay James already. I allegedly get a free whiskey drink out of this, maybe two if I’m lucky.

So now to my life since that’s what I really care about.

I’ve recently discovered that a small canary has taken residence in the space bar of my keyboard at work. It must have happened during lunch or at night b/c I figure it would have taken about 10 – 15 minutes for the little bird to fix itself a home in such small quarters. You may be wondering how it is that yours truly found out that a bird nestled between in his spacebar. It was pretty simple actually. Every (tweet) time (tweet) I (tweet) finish (tweet) a (tweet) word (tweet) and (tweet) move (tweet) on (tweet) to (tweet) the (tweet) next (tweet) the (tweet) little (tweet) bird (tweet) speaks (tweet) up (tweet) and (tweet) tells (tweet) me (tweet) to (tweet) stop (tweet) pressing (tweet) on (tweet) his (tweet) roof.

In other news, I’ve taken up Pilates. Got to admit so far I don’t just like it I love it. I had tried to teach myself once before using a book and video. Going to a class is by far much better, obviously. I’ll post any updates regarding any transversal abdominal pulls due to spinal reticulation.

I’ve been really busy at work and wasn’t able to mention what it was like to go around last weekend dressed as Oates. Since it has been a while and that night isn’t all that easy to remember here are the top three notable things I remember about being Oates:

1. Girls were not afraid of my Perm-fro (could be b/c it was Halloween or b/c I was in Kentucky)

2. Some guy creeped the hell out of me out as he stared some girl dressed as Dr. Gonzo and then came to me and whispered to me that my moustache was way better. He upped the creepiness factor by then staring at the winning moustache.

3. I was given next year’s Halloween costume idea from a guy with no front teeth or as the call them here “an average Kentuckian,” when he said “I know who you are (burp). You’re Epstein from “Welcome Back Kotter!”

Have a great weekend!

Bush Should Have Asked Me!

2005-10-31T18:23:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not trying to say that I would make a good political advisor or White House aid, but I think I've made it abundantly clear in the past that my advice is the best you're going to find. Unsolicited? Yes, but nonetheless superior.

Anyone who understands English and pays some sort of electrical bill knows by now that there's a thing called a Supreme Court in this country and they've got some holes to fill. Most people think that each candidate needs to be thoroughly examined and ready to do a lot but ok with not doing much. Apparently the whole selection process is a serious thing as evidenced by the how Bush’s last selection was received. I guess he thought after picking one qualified candidate he could get away with filling the other spot with anyone from his mother's quilting circle.

So maybe his unprecedented pick was just a feeler, you know to see who people are willing to accept as a Supreme Court Justice. You could equate it to when the Govenator sent out a porn star and Gary Coleman to run for governor of California. Sure, you didn't know he was directly behind it but his people were. If even a marginal percentage of Californians could choose a porn star then Ahhnold would be a shoe in. Go back and read up on recent California history and you'll see that the level of tolerance most Californians conveyed towards Gary Coleman is the main reason they find themselves subjects to an Austrian juggernaut. A little Arnold Jackson gets you a lot of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

What I'm trying to get at is that now is the perfect time to nominate the most popular man in all of the justice system - New York's Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy. So what if he's jumping a couple rungs in the justice system hierarchy, the guy obviously knows his stuff. Plus he's been under the pressure of having every single case he's been involved with for the past 11 years televised. Obviously the fact that he hasn't been a judge will make some people consider him unqualified but I beg to differ. Jack always has to pass judgment and defend his stance where as a judge can just make any blanket statement and not have to explain her or himself.

For over a decade we've allowed Jack to enter our homes and spill his guts out. Whether the legal battle is over some issue with a Catholic Priest or a Russian Mobster he always sticks his neck out on the line. Can you really find a braver soul? If you’re a conspiracy theorist or have watched any action movie from the 80’s those might be the two most dangerous groups in the whole world. Even when his point is an unpopular one his fervor doesn't wane.

I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to build him up. He doesn't need it. Just turn on TNT and see for yourself.

Ray Is A Genius But Whiteny Is A Crack Whore

2005-10-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

A few weeks back I finally saw the movie “Ray.” I can see why it garnered such acclaim and why Jaime Foxx won awards for. As far as movies go everything seemed to go right. Except I felt as though nothing new was being done, but then again doing old things better is sometimes better than doing something new. I learned a lot about Ray Charles, like how I should call him Ray Robinson b/c that was his real name. The thing is I didn’t know much about Ray b/c I didn’t care to know much. Sure I like a lot of his music but I’ve never thought about researching who the guy was.

I think that I, like most people, did not realize how much of a junkie Ray Robinson was. This could be due to the fact that I wasn’t around when he had legal problems b/c of it. Pretty much what I took away from that aspect of the movie was that good ol’ Ray is a lot like presently famous musicians. Yet I don’t remember him being regarded as such. I remember people praising Ray for as long as I can remember. If there was ever a time that someone qualified Ray’s greatness with his addiction to heroin I must have missed it.

All this just leads me to wonder why someone like Whitney Houston is thought of as a crack head before being thought of as one the greatest singers of all time. Don’t get me wrong I’m trying to say that Whitney’s situation is exactly like Ray’s but obviously there are some similarities on which to build this comparison. For the sake of this argument I’m going to claim that the public perception of Whitney is that of a diva and a whacko not of an ultra talented woman.

Her crack habit and decision to marry Bobby Brown have shaped her public persona more in the past decade than any note she ever sang did. Maybe if she was blind people would at least let the Bobby Brown thing slide, not that he’s ugly but just the way he carries himself makes you stare- hence the existence of his reality show.

So why did we let Ray slide while Whitney will always have that crack-forged cross to bear? It makes me wonder. If you know why please let me know.

Ray = Genius

Whitney = Crack head

Does she need to die for the praise to overcome the crack habit talk?

Yeah I know I posted this as a Friday post and it's really Thursday. So, what?

Music Machete On Location

2005-10-27T12:28:00.000-04:00

The back of my hand still reads “BIG DOG” for three reasons; the first being that I went to go see My Morning Jacket last night. The other two are that I’m over 21 years of age and I don’t wash the back of my hand as thoroughly as I should (assuming I shouldn’t be at work with one hand named “BIG DOG”).

Like I mentioned in my review of their new album “Z” I had been looking forward to the concert for some time now. The concert didn’t disappoint and I feel as though I actually underestimated how much I would enjoy it. There is no denying it is the best concert I’ve been to in Cincinnati and that is saying a lot since I got to see Dredg (a band I like a heck of a lot), Matisyahu, and few other lesser known bands. Based on live music selection alone the move up to Cincinnati has been great for me since none of those aforementioned bands would have ever played in Miami.

I can’t say they played a song I didn’t like, but then again I don’t know of any of their songs that I don’t like. The jamming out was a bit short but fortunately still there and noticeable. The only bad part about the show were the two guys in front of me who wouldn’t stop talking and danced very strangely, like a nerdy grandfather making fun of the way nerds dance. There was a couple that barged into my personal space and tried to two step along with the music. Rest assured My Morning Jacket never wrote a note of their music with the intention of inducing two stepping. Thankfully my friend taught me a valuable lesson on a benefit of smoking- it gets rid of the people you don’t like standing around you.

All in all yesterday will stick in memory for a while and not just b/c I went to the MMJ concert. Earlier in the day I took part in the Halloween festivities my job had and I played the part of Oates from the music duo Hall & Oates. Thanks to some thrift store clothing, modified wig and a gnarly moustache I became John Oates and rocked the crowd with the killer bass line from “Maneater.” Sure I had to shake my ass for a bunch of strangers but I think the costume did a good job of disguising what I really look like. I made sure to walk around the different floors of the building acting liking an asshole rock star as opposed to the usual part I play of an asshole coworker.

Rosa

2005-10-26T16:38:00.000-04:00

I know it has been a while, but you spoiled yourself last week. To be honest I really didn’t think I’d ever end my ambivalence regarding a post topic. In short things changed.

Rosa Parks passed away, that’s what changed.

Rosa Parks is not remembered for just one thing but what that one thing that she did meant. I don’t need to go into whom she was or what she did b/c it’s been burned into just about every American’s memory, and that is a great thing. What I want to point out is that if Rosa did anything else of significance it happened without anyone taking note. She stood behind what she did and made sure to relay how important it was for someone to do what she did. If reason were a religion then she would be a saint for opening the eyes of a nation.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that if Rosa’s situation had transpired in today’s world things would have been very different for her. Everyone who does anything that changes the world in a positive way has to constantly deal with being asked “What’s next?”

Sports stars, inventors, discoverers, doctors, or anyone else who finds some way to change the world for the better is no longer praised for the rest of their life like Rosa was. We focused on what Rosa did and then found ways to move forward from where she took us.

It seems today’s world is different in that we put the pressure on the person who advanced us to take us further. No one is looking for the torch to be picked up only for who will pick it up. The media exacerbates the situation by focusing on the person who made a difference rather than the difference that was made.

Don’t fall in that trap. Prove you’re alive and do something with what you’ve been given.

In other news, I played the part of John Oates in a performance of "Maneater" earlier today. It was quite the showstopper. Remind me to put a picture of it and how I need to compare Ray Robinson to Whitney Brown.

Talk about dense!

2005-10-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

I went to a bar for a drink on Tuesday night. No, I'm not an alcoholic I just wanted to get out of my house for a bit and talk to another person.

The spot we went to was pretty full and we were sat next to two couples that weren't really noticeable outside of the frazzled hair one of the girls had. You would have sworn she had been attacked with a leaf blower and hair crimper simultaneously.

I had a moment to myself when my friend got up to use the restroom. In that moment I was wondering what type of white-collar bar I was at since they were playing CNBC on a television. The worst part is that it was around 11 at night. I guess someone there was worried about their Japanese investments.

Either way the aforementioned group sitting nearest to my table caught my attention again when one of the guys kept saying "Tahoe" and the other guy at the table met each "Tahoe" with a "I think that's a great idea." From where I caught it this interchange probably went on back and forth about 5 or 6 times. Before I could turn to them and tell them to press the fucking clutch already and stop stalling the "frazzled one" spoke up. Her words were "I would never do that to you!" Obviously she was referencing an earlier statement that I didn't catch. As the table sat stunned and I watched out of the corner of my eye perplexed God answered my confusion as to why I had picked up on this conversation when she then said "I would never go on a trip with a bunch of my friends to South Beach without you."

After a couple Scooby-Doo influenced "arrrrrooooh's" that cemented my level of confusion way above normal I began to understand as she went on about how she went down there once with her friends some time ago and he had no idea what it was like. Well, his wingman at table did know and he felt no obligation to defend his pal and took her side when he inserted this comment- "Yeah, it's very sleazy."

Sleazy? South Beach is sleazy? That's news to me. Sure there are some shady characters roaming around that tourist trap but for the most part its just full of people who want to go out have a good time and head right back to their hotel or house. For the amount of traffic that South Beach gets it doesn't have all that much crime.

Now here's the best part. These white bread folk actually said something that bothered me more. They began listing ways that South Beach was sleazier than Las Vegas. So in case you were wondering they breed them here conservative and ignorant, double whammy!

I found it perplexing that these people had forgotten that Las Vegas has:
Legal Prostitution
Drive Through Wedding Chapels
Most Strip Clubs per Capita
and a slogan that suggests that you're going to do stuff there you can't really talk about when you get home b/c you'll be so ashamed the rest of your cracker friends will think your a perv.

The best part was that the frazzled one didn't say anything to the contrary. I guess this was b/c she didn't want her hombre going to South Beach in the first place. I did my best not to guffaw.

PSA #375

2005-10-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

Most people think ipods are a great thing, myself included. Actually "revolutionary" would be a better adjective for the ipod. Just recently Apple debuted the new video ipod so now you can avoid looking at people while you avoid listening to them. The new ipod is getting a lot press and obviously people are starting to think that digital video will potentially be more popular than digital music.

I personally don't think I'll ever buy videos at the rate I buy music. There are very few television shows or movies that I can watch more than once. If I do watch a move more than once I usually need a long span of time in between the viewings. This is probably why I own 5 dvd's and not 50. I do see the benefit though of watching a movie or program whenever you want. What you do after you've watched it I don't know though. Those videos are going to have to be pretty cheap for me to buy it since I'm only going to watch it once. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not in Apple's target market.

With digital music its the same thing. Why would I buy an ipod that can fit 10,000 songs if each song is going to cost me a dollar. I don't see myself spending $10,000 on music anytime soon.

Here's the other problem I have with the digital music craze- you need headphones to listen to your music most of the time. My main reason against headphones is that they cause bacteria to grow in your ears 15 times faster than without them. This combined with the fact that music will be pounding on your ear drum at a pretty high decibel makes me think that the potential to go deaf is high.

If you have any teenage kids or know any you should let them know that they should become a Ear, Nose and Throat doctor when they grow up. The market for ear medicine is going to boom soon after the digital music boom is over. 15 times more bacteria means 15 times more chances to get an ear infection. That's just with headphones not those little ones you shove in your ears that come with most digital music players. The rate of bacteria has to grow as you shove vibrating baubles down your ear canal.

I don't know what's the solution to this bacteria problem but I do know anyone wanting to make money quick should start finding a way to kill the bacteria.

Double Dipping for Mela

2005-10-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or is today the day when I talk about people I don't like.

I know I am double dipping here, writing two posts in one day, but my sister said my fan would appreciate it so I'm giving it a try.

Anyways, I wanted to bring up a situation that I found myself this past weekend. I was sitting in my living/dining/kitchen/romper room while some friends were over on Friday. We were doing the ol' pre-game shit shooting that usually occurs before a group goes out for the night when I felt the urge to admit something to someone I had only met once before. Maybe it was b/c we were all in my house that I felt this need to be honest but w/e the case I have no doubt that I could do nothing to resist saying this to her- "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but you really look like someone I know from back home that I really can't stand. Not that I can't stand you. I'm trying to give you a chance here but I just wanted to let you know that you've got that going against you."

At this point your saying "que fallo" or if I just met you in Cincinnati then your saying "what a mistake." Either way I think the general feeling would be not to say something like I did to someone you pretty much just met. Conventional wisdom would have you believe that what I did would just lead to awkwardness.

If it did lead to awkwardness I didn't notice it. Thankfully she just used it as a running joke the rest of the night. She would keep referring to things she was doing and ask if the person that I didn't like would do the same thing. It had a high laugh value for most of the night.

No doubt she thinks I'm a big weirdo now, but I seem unable to hold back any remark that would be classified as "too honest." So take my advice and let people know what they're up against when they remind you of someone you have disdain for. It will break the ice and you'll know right off the bat if that person is ultra defensive. No one wants to be friends with someone who is too defensive so you can thank me later when the quality of your friends increase thanks to yours truly.

I know someone is reading this back in Miami wondering who the person is that I can't stand, but I'm not telling b/c that would be dumber than trying to beat a fart out of a dead mule.

There you go two in one day.

Homecomings Galore!

2005-10-18T09:01:00.000-04:00

There's a lot on my mind this morning. The first thing I want to mention is that Fats Domino has returned. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/17/hurricanes.fatsdomino.reut/index.html

Most people remember Fats Domino for his rendition of the classic "On Blueberry Hill." I remember him just b/c his name is Fats. I find it very strange that it took this long for Fats to resurface. Sure, he's been out of the limelight for a while but he was one of the most famous people to go missing after Hurricane Katrina. For some reason Fats forgot that he has adoring fans who were holding candlelight vigils, hoping to see that chubby face rise from the destruction in the bayou. I just want to take this moment to say thank you Fats for letting us know you are ok, but next time you better call someone and let them know you've evacuated safely.

Another much talked about return is going on in New England as the Patriots welcome back their Eric Estrada looking linebacker Teddy Bruschi. Anyone who has ever had any type of conversation with me concerning the New England Patriots has come out of that conversation knowing that of all the things to despise in the world Teddy Bruschi is number one on my list. Every once in a while an athlete comes around that just gets on my last nerve. Whether it is Mike Vanderjagt, Brian Williams (aka Bison Dele) or whoever my hate for them is always unmerited and inexplicable. All I know is that when I see Teddy Bruschi my day is ruined. Before Teddy Bruschi was forced into a short-lived retirement I spent a lot of time hoping and wishing that something would happen to him that would stop him from ever playing again. I felt this was a fair deal, Teddy had already won a few championships and I wouldn't have to see him on Sundays anymore.

I know this might seem weird or devious on my part but don't get me wrong I wasn't praying for ol' Teddy to become a paralytic or even suffer any long term health problems. I envisioned Teddy at home with his family having a great time with no cameras around so that there wouldn't be any chance that I would see his ugly face while flipping through the channels.

Pat Roberts prayed for the removal of justices from the U.S. Supreme Court and he got what he wanted when one retired and another dropped dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to God with some selfish Pat Roberts-esque prayer. I was just hoping something would remove Teddy from football forever, but not death.

Apparently death is what it'll take b/c Teddy after suffering a stroke this offseason, being declared unfit to play ever again, and retiring Teddy is still returning. This isn't like Lance Armstrong coming back from cancer. Doctors have told Teddy that he could suffer life threatening brain damage if he sustains the right hit on the head. Why would he take this chance?

I just want to make it clear that all I wanted was Teddy to stop playing football, not his removal from life itself. I hope that when someone does hit him too hard and he ends up in a hospital fighting for his life that the guy who hit him doesn't think it's his fault. Teddy seems to be hellbent on dying with pads on. He could have made fortune playing Eric Estrada in the CHiPS big screen remake, and passing on that would be a worse career decision than when Ralph Macchio passed on "Back To The Future"

Music Machete Rises Again

2005-10-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I’ve done one of these. This whole transition of moving up to Cincinnati has left me with not only little time to post but also fewer chances to check out new music online (or download illegally also).

I’ve seem to have fallen into a pattern of purchasing the newest album of w/e band I plan on seeing live soon. My Morning Jacket is playing here next week and just released a new album at the beginning of this month, making them a prime candidate to be reviewed by yours truly. Here's what I think of their new album "Z."

To start off I want to bring up some other bands you might like if you enjoy this new album by My Morning Jacket (MMJ), or vice versa. If you like the way the front men of The Flaming Lips or The Shins sound you’ll like MMJ. They use a lot of thick, raspy guitar tones a la 311 in their prime. This album features a lot of instances when the music is slowed down and simplified, a technique that resembles Radiohead b/c of the way the “slow-down” is used to contrast the complex climax that is inevitable in most songs. MMJ still takes the time to jam out and I would be taking a lot away from them if I didn’t admit they have their own sound also. All those references to other bands I’ve mentioned are just a way for you to figure out if you might like MMJ.

The band that I could say really comes close to what MMJ does is Coldplay, if they ever tried to record new music and challenge themselves. Both bands seem to use the same ingredients in their songwriting but while Coldplay yields only humdrum music that we’ve already heard before MMJ goes the extra mile to define their own flavor.

Each song on the album seems to employ a different influence. Most of the original members of MMJ are from Kentucky so there’s no doubt that some of them grew up influenced by country music. The album is, for the most part, full of mellow songs. I mentioned before that they slow their music down like Radiohead but there are also similarities to the slow songs on Ween’s album “Quebec.”

Overall I really enjoy the album. It probably won’t go down as “greatest ever” but it definitely has a lot of plays in it. In my opinion this album doesn’t really seem to sound specific to any era or trend, which is usually a characteristic of a great album. It’s a different sounding album. To me that’s important and will go a long way in me determining whether I like it or not.

I’ll try to follow up after I get to seem them live.

I don't blog like I used to.

2005-10-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

Here's where I take a stance on something I really don't care about and explain how the world is all backwards. It was actually a draft I never posted b/c I'm convinced it is a piece of shit. Since I don't have time to write one today and no one reads this over the weekend anyways that's what you get- shit.

This is just something that has been bothering me.

I don't understand why every time people in the military die over in Iraq the news needs to report it. Is dying not one of the hazards of being in the military? They knew their likelihood of dying went up dramatically when they enlisted.

I know someone will read this and conclude that I am unpatriotic or ungrateful. Here's the thing I think if they are going to tell me that an army dude dies for me over seas they should let me know how many crab fishermen died while at sea. You can live w/o freedom but you cant live without food, crab included.

So what about the migrant farmer who dies of dehydration? To me his death is as noble as the military's. We are socialized to believe that dying for your country is a valiant existance, or rather a valiant end to your existance. Much of that was built on the premise that we needed people to "want" to defend their country in the past. In today's world most of us don't need to defend anything we can just go on living our lives full of freedom and crab cakes w/o thinking twice. Why is this? B/c we pay the price for freedom and those crab cakes (taxes and $9.95 for an appetizer sized portion, respectively). Death is part of the price for fishing crabs and fighting wars but fortunately its negotiable and not everyone has to pay the same price.

I'm not trying to devalue what the army is doing but trying to prove that focusing on people dying while fighting in Iraq is just a media fed agenda. The media needs the war to be big news so they can report it. Yellow journalism made up the news. Nowadays they just direct your focus and blind you to everything else.

It is important that they we support those who defend us but why lie and try to make it seem that those soldiers aren't doing anything but the job they were hired for. They have a wage, a contract, and a list responsibility. That is a job. Should I have some type of self-esteem problem b/c I didn't choose to defend my country?

We aren't fighting wars with volunteers that are sacrificing everything they have to defend their homeland. We fight wars with people who felt that going to fight was the best opportunity for them. The amount of people who are enlisting due to a fear that their home will be overrun with invaders is extremly low. The amount of people who are enlisting b/c they come from a minority household and aren't provided many opportunities for success due to their socioeconomic status and self-defeating attitude is a much greater.

I don't know what this country is going to do when the Hispanic community outgrows its low levels of education and income. I guess we'll need some more imigrants to give birth and supply us with soldiers.

On the side of the freeway...

2005-10-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

Since I’ve moved up here two people have been run over by a car or truck while walking on the side of the highway in this area. As far as I can remember I have never heard of this happening back in Miami. I attribute this to the fact that the concept of “walking” while outside hasn’t been adopted by most people there.

Still it is pretty strange to find that people are being picked off the side of the road and at such a rapid pace. The first time it happened it was a semi that clipped the lady before tossing her into another car and ultimately her death. The driver of the truck said he didn’t even notice that he had hit someone after he was stopped an hour down the road. No doubt this would be my story also. Who the hell is going to admit that they ran over a lady and just kept on truckin’? Witnesses claimed they saw the lady swerve into traffic while walking on the side of the highway, so apparently she just wanted to complicate strangers’ lives with her suicide not just family and friends. Even posthumously her “15 minutes of fame” are ill deserved.

I didn’t get as much info on the second guy partly b/c I became quickly desensitized to pedestrian deaths on the highway and partly due to the fact that I didn’t want to give away to those around me that people dying on the side of the highway is something new to me. You know, my way of trying to fit in.

I actually do find this whole ordeal a bit threatening b/c I know there’s probably going to come a time when I’m going to have to pull off the side of the highway to either change a tire or what have you. Maybe this is just a sign from God that I should walk in the vegetation off the side of the highway and not on the emergency lane. I’m making sure that I’ll be prepared for this by keeping a fresh pair of galoshes in my trunk and a machete hidden under my spare tire. I’m still debating the effectiveness of road flares in this situation.

Money For Nothing

2005-10-11T09:28:00.000-04:00

People love to lotto in Ohio. What you may call a dummy tax is referred to as manna from heaven. The residents of Ohio love their lottery games and will take them anyway they can get it. If there was some sort of Lottery pill or spread it would be flying off the shelves at break neck speed. They have Pick 3, Pick 4, Super Lotto Plus, The Kicker, Rolling Cash 5, Lottorama, Pimp My Lotto, Mega Millions. This isn't counting the scratch off cards or the game show they have every weekend.

What the hell is wrong with these people? You'd think every other person would have one at least one lottery game. Sure the chances are like one in 14 million in winning but those chances look a lot better when you realize there are about 3,583 different ways to win per week.

Fight the System

2005-10-07T08:21:00.000-04:00

Yeah I changed the name. I didn't like "Daily Lorenzo." I'm a little ashamed to see my name associated with this site. Actually I just didn't want my last name up there in hopes of seperating it from me. If you have a better idea for a title e-mail me to let me know. I'll make sure to tell you're wrong.

The actors being used in commercials are getting uglier. There’s no way around that fact. I mentioned it yesterday and received responses telling me how right I was to bring it up. I understand the need to convey reality in advertisements in order to fool a potential consumer but I think its time we cut the crap and admitted television is a visual medium that does not need to reflect the “reality” of people’s general ugliness. For the most part people are ugly. This makes better looking people more appreciated.

I don’t believe I’m saying anything new by claiming that most people are ugly. The majority of humans have something wrong with them, and many of those people carry around their “wrongness” on their face. Just take teeth into consideration. A snaggletooth, yellow teeth, missing teeth, green teeth, black gums, too much gums, crooked teeth, overlapping teeth; the list could go on forever and it still doesn’t compare to everything that could go wrong with your nose.

Now we’re getting somewhere. Perhaps the effortless thing to do is put ugly people in commercials since it so easy to find them. As always the easy way out is the wrong way and you end up losing on potential consumers as they shun their eyes from the fugly person on their screen. “Can you believe that subconsciously it makes me not want the product they are selling” - those are the words of someone I know who has been affected by the current wave of ugliness that is overtaking the airwaves. Speaking of airwaves, ugly people have their own form of media they could find employment in and it is called radio. Sure it isn’t as glamorous but what kind of world would we live in if we easily permitted ugly people to lead a glamorous life. You better have a hell of a lot of charm if you want to overcome that hook nose or lazy eye.

So go out and take a stand. Don’t let products ease on by with ugliness; demand to be convinced with beauty. Why would you want to buy a product that ugly people are using anyways? I know a lot of you are looking for a way to make a difference in this world, well here is your chance, and you don’t even need to be good looking to help. If you are ugly you can make the biggest difference by coming to terms with the fact that your acting career has no hope in a perfect world and you would only be playing a cruel joke on the world if you succeeded.

Have a great weekend, ugly or not.

I've missed you too

2005-10-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

I have no time to type anything up. Work isn't keeping me busy. Its the fact that this "blogging" thing is frowned upon even when the alternative is to stare at a wall.

If I was able to blog this is what I'd talk about:

1. News stations here actually help people rather than just tell you about sad situation. In other words the News stations are all about boosting their ego.

2. Hockey started. I love hockey.

3. I am noticing that commercials are using a lot uglier people as if somehow "ugly people" is some type of untapped market.

4. I have this fear of referring back to Miami too much and becoming that guy who just talks about one place.

So imagine me saying funny stuff about all that. I'll try to use this talk about it. Let me know if you have a preference. In the meantime I've added another sister site titled "I Can Help." This one is by my friend "Ben Shok." Give it a chance, it just my save your life. Follow the link to the left that says "I Can Help."

Making an impression

2005-10-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

I really should write something. I feel I owe it to my fan. I'm not going to take time to blame anything or person for my absence; we're just going to move on.

Lately I have been wondering about what memory people keep of me, and I'm referring to the people I have interacted with on more than one occasion. Specifically, I contemplate on the impression I have left. What about me do they remember? What reminds people of me. I want to play "word-association" with my name and not have people know I'll see their answers.

Like most people I have been called many things to my face and behind my back but I don't think that really tells me what people think of me.

This isn't the first time I express this. I've consulted a few friends about this and, thankfully, received, what I felt was, great perspective. These thoughts have floated in and out of my mind for a couple months now. So, why? I've always been an advocate of not worrying about things you can not control, that it is a huge waste of time. This topic should fall in that category b/c there's no possible way of me entering someone's mind and control it to respond the way I want. Yet I have begun to look at this problem as being potentially controllable b/c w/o my actions there's no possibility of me ever making any type of impression.

What I have found in my conversations is that what I don't want is to,"see myself from someone else's eyes," as a friend explained, but to see the effect of my efforts. At this juncture there is a confusing problem that arises immediately when I begin to "control" how I am remembered- Am I being a phony?

If I am putting effort into creating a specific "memory" of myself I begin to wonder to what extent the words "unnatural" and "dishonest" become good definition of my character. It is difficult to objectively judge whether my motivation is to do the right thing or to be thought well of by the people I happen to come across. I think I kept running into this problem b/c I was viewing this "legacy" concept from the point of view of a relationship ending.

That though is a waste of time. I have no say in what reminds people of me once I have ended a relationship; that book has had its final page written. Instead of that p.o.v. I could take this "legacy control" initiative and apply it to the relationships that are still ongoing. You can think of this as spreading good word of mouth about yourself. I understand that some people will take hold of the idea that they shouldn't care what other people think about them and use it to excuse their own not caring of how they make people remember them. Your actions define you so why would you not care about the definition you write for yourself. Some people call this "writing your own definition" something else- living.

Now that control has been established (it's in the ongoing relationships) it is time for action, and that (action) is the keyword in all of this b/c that is where my, and this can refer to anyone, focus should be. I want to end with what my friend Gabe Kline told me in regards to this "problem" I was having:

"I feel like it is more the sum total of our actions that is the most important factor in how we are remembered. It is that consistency of action that you spoke of. Certain people with limited or specific interactions with us may come away with a memory of us based only on a few moments, rather than how we hold it down on the daily. Ultimately, though, I think it is more important to rest calm in our own being than to worry about other people's perceptions. To focus on the action and not how it will be remembered. Perhaps this is the most efficacious way to create our legacy. To be as present as possible."

Ultimately it is your actions that lead to the memory. It is wasteful to put effort into the goal of creating the impression you want b/c that is only an outcome of how you choose your actions.

I'm sorry if you came to here for funny stuff. I'll try to get back to it, but I wanted to write about this for myself. Hopefully it helps someone else like it helped me.

Ramble #271

2005-09-29T08:32:00.000-04:00

Simple Edit
Market Vu Two
Cicsprod

Yes, I know these words might be foreign to you. Actually I hope they are foreign to you. Those words are part of my "job lingo." We all have this vocational-vocabulary and it always becomes part of our regular diction. You'll be sitting down at dinner with a friends trying to tell them a story of how the lady who sits 3 cube rows away is always asking you questions about the (insert job lingo here) b/c she doesn't understand how to process the (insert job lingo again here). At this point your friends are massively confused and probably know not to ask you what the hell all that "lingo" meant. They probably wish you would have just said your co-worker is a bitch, jerk, ass, or w/e ad hominem you care to use.

You see there is an obvious reason why your friends won't ask you what all that occupational terminology means- No one other than yourself cares about what you do for a living. Sure your family and loved ones will ask about your job and show interest but it isn't b/c they think your nine to five is the more thrilling than w/e reality show is on at the moment. They ask b/c they care about you and so they show interest in you.

Wow this post has gone really bad up to this point. I'm not going to erase anything that has been written so far. I want this to serve as a testament to how bad it can get on this page. I'm stunned that I actually intended on posting that load of crap I just wrote. This post is
obviously incapable of being salvaged but I'm going to try, and I'm going to do it with an anecdote.

Here in Cincinnati, as you would probably assume, they have a lot of local ads on the television. This is anything new, every city has them. Since I'm new to this area I'm just not used to them. Back in Miami we have an infinite amount of Hispanics who are on TV doing commercials where they speak in their second, sometimes third , language- English. Perhaps it is b/c Hispanics dominate most of the South Florida area culturally that it is not that difficult to understand what is being said as the narrator butchers one of the all time ugliest languages.

Here in Cincinnati you can be as much of bigot as anywhere else and pretty much split people culturally into three groups- White, Black, and White Trash. Thankfully most of the people here have bought into this idea and conveniently choose to live almost always in their groups neighborhood. So much so that the city is split into an East (White), Central (Black, and West (Trash). Obviously the people defined as "Trash" is always made up of unknowns and the further west you go the further west they'll say the trash lives. The Whites and the Blacks can not deny the characteristic that groups them but the "Trash" have an advantage b/c they can always just take a shower and refrain from showing their teeth.

So it seems in only a short period of time a weak form of racism has become evident to this newcomer. Whites don't want to live in "Black" or "Trash" neighborhoods and don't feel threatened admitting it. Hispanics here are safe b/c there are hardly any for anyone to notice enough generalities to latch onto a stereotype. But rest assured I've seen some and for the most part they are keeping the "3 guys in the back of a pickup on the way to work" cliche going strong.

What made me realize all this was a TV commercial for the upcoming evening news. It told about a roof contractor that did a shitty job on a church roof and now the congregation is forced to deal with it. Yes, Cincinnati news is just like everywhere else- they put another contractor out of a job each day in the name of consumer protection. I for one think that situation is great opportunity for blackmail. The news could threaten to show the footage if the contractor doesn't shape up, therefore improving the service without leaving a bunch of little whiteys with no food on the table.

OK, I'm going off on a tangent. The thing that I am getting to is that while the news was talking about the evil contractor they showed a clip of an interview with the church's pastor commenting about the condition of the roof. I kid you not that they subtitled him even though he was speaking English. Is that not offensive? How is that not admitting that this guy talks such poor English white people won't be able to understand, even though all the black people who crowd into that church understand him enough to have him as their pastor. The black people congregate to hear this guy talk. The white people need subtitles to understand that he doesn't like holes in his roof. I guess white people at least have an excuse for why they never go to black-dominated church (oh no, can't worship among different skin colors!).

At least if the person was Hispanic you could say "Hey, they have an accent b/c they didn't grow up here speaking English," but here they seem to have accepted the African-American form of English as a distinct dialect. It made me crack up. I hope you at least find it surprising and wrong. I'm sure if a mental retard was subtitle someone would take offense to it.

Smells Like Fish Bacon

2005-09-27T12:32:00.000-04:00

I don’t really spend enough time talking about animals. Anyone who knows me knows that I love animals more than money, which is funny b/c I once said the worst thing I would ever do for money is chop up a bunch of live puppies. Maybe I don’t love animals with all of my heart but in most instances I will consider taking an animal over money. But I want to make clear that the larger the sum of money the more exotic the animal must be. I’ve provided a table that better demonstrates my currency for animal conversion. Here it is:
Dollar Amount - Animal
$10 - Russian Dwarf Hamster
$50 - Ferret
$100 - Iguana
$250 - Zebra
$400 - Boxer (dog)
$750 - Grizzly
$10,000 - Giraffe
$50,000 - Two Headed Ape (any kind)
$500,000 - Chupacabra
$1,000,000 - Dinosaur (alive)

After that point I can assure you that I am taking the money. Some people have asked me “What about an alien?” My answer to that is that I would be wary of any alien someone is willing to give away but would accept the alien just b/c I would rather not offend the alien by implying money is more important than it. I would also hope to be in the good graces of the alien’s planet by accepting it over a given amount of cash.

Something else I have been asked in regards to my “Money for Animals” conversion table is “Where are the cats?” This is a sore subject since I have a cat and do not establish an amount I would be willing to accept for him. Well, other than out of pure pity, there’s no way I would accept a cat. I only have cat in order to feel like I am doing the world a favor. The fact that my cat is actually cool and half Japanese only makes me like him more, but I’m not naïve I know he’s unlike other cats. For the most pert you would have to pay me to take a cat off of your hands.

Somewhere along the way I almost lost track of what I wanted to talk about today. I was perusing the news to find something to talk about when I came upon an article that was tremendously revealing. The article describes how Giant Squids have a more complicated sex life than humans. Now, I have to admit, that I have been a fan of Giant Squids for a long time. Ever since Capt. Nemo found himself in the grips of peril while simultaneously in the grips of a giant squid I have been wondering, “how big can squids get?” What I never wondered about was how those squids went about making babies.

Apparently it is extremely complicated. The male injects his sperm into the female’s arms. How this works is anyone’s guess really b/c no one has witnessed squids in the act of magic making. The female, it seems, doesn’t like this “junkie” way of love-making and will not hesitate using her “chomping-beak” on her pusher-man/potential mate. What has been discovered is that squids posses an extraordinarily large penis (which you expect from an animal with the word “giant” in its name) that works like a fire engine hose is controlled as easily (picture what would happen in cartoons when a fire hose was turned on). More and more giant squids are being found dead on the shore inseminated with another squid’s sperm.

The mystery surrounding this is extremely perplexing. Are squids turning homosexual? Is it the poor lighting at the bottom of the ocean that can be blamed for Mr. Giant Squid not realizing he brought a man home? Are the larger females just showing the males where they can go stick their fire hoses? Are Spanish giant squids just more likely to be homosexual?

The answers to most of these seem almost impossible to find but it does seem the stress of having sex is very high for squids. Maybe that’s why the Nautilus was attacked; the squid was just trying to deliver its sperm packages.

Have a great day; I’m off to find more nonsense.

Hands Across The Sky

2005-09-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

The weekend wasn't that fun, I'm not going to lie. I even went to a place called the "Funny Bone" and still can make that claim. That place is a comedy club and I should go down as hosting the worst comedian in the history of man. At one point it was impossible to hear him over the crowd. The "Funny Bone" staff was actually at door convincing people to stay for just a few minutes as they searched for the nearest shepherd's staff to yank the douche bag off stage.

I would like to make an announcement: TV and I have reconciled and are back together.

I spent time making up for all those nights I didn't have any TV to watch by staying in Saturday night. The TV and I really needed the quality time together. It was there for me when I was sick in bed for a month this past summer and I seemed to have turn my back in its greatest time of need- "premier week." I've even displayed my high level of commitment by upgrading to the DVR option in my cable package. Now I'll be able to watch all those shows that come on when I am actually doing something.

So yeah, me and TV are back together and happy. You don't have to worry about what you say about the other in front of us now, but please try to not bring up what we did when we were apart or all that time I spent with the radio. This time I plan on doing my part to make it work.

Don't worry I have already saved you time by calling myself "pathetic."

Stop Picking On Me

2005-09-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

OK, so “Pick The Spic” is a hit, especially with girls 24-38. I am being demanded answers not only for the game but also for why it has taken me so long. The answer to the delay is that I haven’t had a computer for the past two days consequently no postings were done. Here are the answers:

Derek Parra (speed skater) – Hispanic
Vanna White (letter turner/expert applauder) – Hispanic
Miguel Ferrer (actor) – Hispanic
Tony Stewart (NASCAR driver) - Not Hispanic
Rudolph Valentino – Push (From Spain and some don’t consider that Hispanic)
Bonus*** Cheech Marin (Actor) – Not Hispanic (Iranian, Who Knew?)

There you have it. I bet very few people don’t believe Cheech Marin is not Hispanic, especially since “Born In East LA” was such a blockbuster.

My sister, who has always quasi-idolized supermodels, has brought to my attention the scandal that has engulfed the once relevant Kate Moss. Apparently railing lines of yayo is not a job requirement for models. I thought she was just trying to revive her career. Someone should have suspected this when she got serious with a guy who’s only claim to fame is doing more drugs than any other musician. I guess it pays to be a coke dealer to the stars if you have a camera handy.

In hopes of having more people go to “Alan Preps Your News” here’s a detailed description from Alan, himself, of what it was like to go out to the new club in Miami’s downtown called Metropolis. He also responds to my questions regarding any Lois Lane or Clark Kent sightings. Here it is (keep in mind that in Miami “black people” are scary to Hispanics):

It sucked; we didn’t even go in because everyone said it was whack. The place is huge, but supposedly it was a high school reunion inside. It was in downtown and for some reason all of downtown wanted to act like it would in the movies. Seriously, anything that you would put in a movie to depict a downtown setting happened last night. There was $10 parking at the club so we decided to go in a worse neighborhood to park. The first thing that happens when we step out is a black guy on a bike asks us for money to watch our car. It looked like he was doing rounds because he had some other cars under his watch. Second there was black woman on a corner talking to herself, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that she just happened to pull out of her purse. Guess she had to take a brake from tricking herself for those rocks. Third there was a different group of gangsters at each light post, looked like it was “Mark Your Territory Night.” Last, but not least, when we’re leaving a guy comes up to David’s window and proceeds to clean it to a spit shine. Oh I wish I danced with Lois, but the Terri Hatcher version even though I believe the movies has a hot chick in it too.

Apparently he forgot how plain the “movie Lois” (Margot Kidder) actually was and how she went off the deep end a while ago. I’ll elaborate through the inserted picture.

This site had its best week ever, and its still only Friday morning. There have been 87 unique visits to the site so I want to take a moment to thank my parents for constantly checking my site and bringing the count up. Keep it up and September will be the best month ever (for the site not myself).

Have a great weekend.

Pick The Spic

2005-09-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of Hispanic Heritage Month I've come up with a great game. It's called "Pick The Spic." All you have to do is figure out if the person is Hispanic or not. I've provided 5 people to determine if they are Hispanic or not, plus a bonus.

You can comment your answers or e-mail them to me. I know a lot of the people who read this are in Miami or from there and think they know everything about Hispanics b/c they have seen every one of those "You know you're Hispanic if..." e-mails.

Good Luck!!! Answers will be posted on Thursday.

Bonus******

Question #31

2005-09-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

Why do people keep bumper stickers for the losing candidates on their car?

An good example to illustrate this is a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker When it comes to sports franchises or a band this type of loyalty actually makes sense. If the team or band is considered terrible or crap the bumper sticker can still function as sign of solidarity to the days when the team/band was good. For a sports team loyalty during those losing years is supposed to epitomize the true sports fan type of loyalty. That is why we call those who don't display this type of loyalty bandwagoners or fairweather fans.

This sports rule for bumper stickers should in no way apply to politics. There's nothing to cheer for once a candidate has lost their election. It's like cheering for a figure skater- you're going to have to wait for four years. If you are from the South and didn't understand what I just said then its like beating farts out of a dead horse.

You see, when it comes to politics the loser is exiled to oblivion for years, maybe even a decade. So what are you rooting for? To what is the loyalty attached to? (A loser, and nothing) I think people hold onto those Kerry-Edwards stickers b/c they think that somehow someone is going to start handing out blame to those that elected Bush. As if a poor job by a winning candidate has any direct consequences for those that elected her/him to office.

This "I told you so" mentality motivating the keepers of loser bumper stickers seems to be pretty powerful, yet in the end those who voted for the loser are going to be just as screwed as the people who voted for the winner if the elected candidate does a bad job.

So if you happen to run into someone who has a Kerry-Edwards sticker let them know you'll shoulder the "Bush blame" for them. You'll make their day, b/c who doesn't like a savior.

If that previous question stokes your fear of political debate I have provided another qestion that is not politics related. I don't have the answer to this question so instead I've provided some subsequent questions that will help when you discuss it with your friends (chyeah right).

Why is Aretha Franklin riding down the freeway of love in pink Cadillac?

- Where does the "freeway of love" run through?
- Is there a carpool lane?

A Quick One

2005-09-16T14:36:00.000-04:00

Starting off with some housekeeping notes we find that a new section has been added to this site. I hate talking about the news b/c I think a lot of places do it already, but my friend Alan has found a way to make it fresh (in other words I think its funny). On the left you'll find a link to the "news section" of this site, it is titled "Alan Preps Your News." If you have a better name for it feel free to e-mail your suggestion. In the new section my good friend Alan Canler will point out the news stories that will make a difference in your day. He provides a witty conclusion he reached by reading the story and provides you a link afterward. If you need help knowing what in the news should be read about let Mr. Canler help you out. (that's him to the right).

Something else I have learned this week at work is that when people answer with, "ummm let's seeee...," when asked, "how long have you worked here," they are usually trying to say "ummm way to long."

Staying on that topic I would like to confess how stunned I am at the fact that any question that is asked during training seems to be able to open the door to an enormous menagerie of information. It's like every time someone admits to not knowing something the person answering the question takes it upon themself to throw as many things out there as possible in hopes of leaving the questioner thoroughly confused.

Have a great weekend!

Evidence of Having Nothing to Talk About

2005-09-15T15:19:00.000-04:00

Top sign that I’m blending in with the regular workforce- Most of my attention is fixed on where we’re going to Happy Hour on Friday.

I was originally thinking of doing a post revolving around a funny survey. The thing is surveys aren’t funny. Instead I’m just going to ramble for today’s post.

Ramblin’ #1:
I notified the post office I had a change in address as soon as I had an address to change to. The consequence of this is that it takes a while now to get my mail. Obviously we don’t live in ancient times before the internet (read: the 80’s) so tangible mail isn’t a huge necessity. The problem is I am currently subscribed to a bunch of magazines thanks to free subscription found on the website the link on the left named “Bargains” takes you to. Yesterday I received my NFL preview edition of the Sporting News, riveting stuff. There were some things that stood out to me as I leafed through a preview I had the benefit of first viewing after teams had already played their first game.
The first thing is that the “fantasy” value of player seems to trump the value that same player has for his team. Let me explain this for those who don’t understand the “fantasy” part of the last sentence. By fantasy I mean the leagues sports fans join to be able to make their own “dream” team and compete based on their ability to pick people who are going to be productive by w/e their league standards (statistics). Therefore I get to read up on how good some guy’s stats are going to be. Maybe its b/c players move around so much that fans now really don’t care what team they play for. Fans will cheer for “their” team and also “their” players even if cheering for one would mean cheering against the other. Logic is never invited to anywhere sports are going to be; this is what keeps Dungeons & Dragons from becoming an Olympic sport.
The second, and final, thing I’ll mention about my belated NFL preview was that each segment on a team contained compliments and praise for certain players on that team. Either the offense is going to be “high-powered” or the defense is going to be “dominating.” I can’t say that any of the teams really had much written about how bad that team was actually going to be. Every team had the same levels of positives and negatives. Yet somehow the same people that had nothing but great things to say about every team were able to tell exactly what the standings would be at the end of the season. They didn’t say which teams were better than which, no, they were actually able to come up with the record for each team. Sure, almost every team was either going to have 10,9, or 7 wins, but I seem to have come back to the same conclusion about people who are employed to cover sports in the media: THEY KNOW NOTHING!
Wouldn’t you have gone in to sports journalism if you would have known you didn’t need to know anything? All you need is to have an opinion. Is there any other job like this (other than Terrorist Expert for any cable news station, but even then you need some convincing experience)? So if you could tell the difference between different shapes of leather you are ready to have a job. Why is this not being heralded in the inner city and unemployment offices?

Ramblin’#2
I’ll try to ramble a little less on this one. I had a Reuben sandwich today. It was my first ever. I actually only had half of a Reuben, but I swear it was b/c I heard it was filling not b/c I heard it was invented by a Hebrew. The sandwich was great and the potato cake that came with it almost made me forget all about tostones, yet a few hours later I am starting to realize how beneficial it is to practice moderation when it comes to eating sauerkraut.

Ramblin’#3
Since its Thursday it’s about that time to figure out what is in store for the weekend, because for all the things to be unprepared for, the weekend is the worst. I’m still a weekend away from a couch, dinning table, and cable television so I’ll try my best to appreciate the bare floors while I still have a chance. This weekend is full of opportunity. Friday already has the obligatory happy hour attached to it, which will then be followed to another trip to little-Germany as Cincinnati celebrates Oktoberfest. Last week’s Oktoberfest was small compared to this one apparently. I hope to be able to at least hold a conversation in German by the end of the festivities. The next day I have the wonderful prospect of combating a hangover with rollercoasters, and everyone knows how well rollercoasters take away your hang over. I’ll be going to King’s Island once again, hoping to make good on the promise of knocking some teeth loose. I’m actually excited about going to the King’s Island again. You can usually gauge my excitement by my level of sarcasm.

I think that is enough for now.

Someone was reading my blog for almost 44 minutes today. That's 28 minutes past being a cause for concern. If you work at FPA Medical Management or at the law firm of Otterbourg, Steindler, Houston & Rosen shoot me an e-mail and let me know who you are.

Tidy Tuesday

2005-09-13T14:31:00.000-04:00

Few days are actually capable of passing without distinction, but most of the time we gloss over the details of our own lives and resort to going through the motions. Today could be one of those days for you.

Today I’ve been thinking about how much time is wasted while waiting for something momentous to happen; as if there’s a need for a milestone to know where one is at in life. The conclusion I keep running into is that it is up to me to consciously try and make each day matter, if only for my own happiness (or perhaps sanity). I don’t feel like writing much so I’ll leave you with the lyrics to “Another Day” by Wings, in hopes that it isn’t just another day for you.

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair,
Wraps a towel around her
As she’s heading for the bedroom chair,
It’s just another day.
Slipping into stockings,
Stepping into shoes,
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat.
Ah, it’s just another day.

At the office where the papers grow she takes a break,
Drinks another coffee
And she finds it hard to stay awake,

It’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day.

Ay
So sad, so sad,
Sometimes she feels so sad.
Alone in her apartment she’d dwell,
Till the man of her dreams comes to break the spell.

Ah, stay, don’t stand around
And he comes and he stays
But he leaves the next day,
So sad.
Sometimes she feels so sad.

As she posts another letter to the sound of five,
People gather ’round her
And she finds it hard to stay alive,

It’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day.

Ay
So sad, so sad,
Sometimes she feels so sad.
Alone in her apartment she’d dwell,
Till the man of her dreams comes to break the spell.

Ah, stay, don’t stand around
And he comes and he stays
But he leaves the next day,
So sad.
Sometimes she feels so sad.

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair,
Wraps a towel around her
As she’s heading for the bedroom chair,
It’s just another day.

Slipping into stockings,
Stepping into shoes,
Dipping in the pockets of her raincoat.

Ah, it’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day. du du du du du
It’s just another day.

Tomorrow I’ll try to write my much anticipated advice piece titled: “How To Lose Your Friends.” Unfortunately the follow-up segment titled “How To Be Happy & Alone At The Same Time,” is still in the works.

Public Service Announcement #7 (This one's for the ladies)

2005-09-12T15:05:00.000-04:00

Weekend was fine. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Seeing Dave Chapelle is a more elusive goal than that bloody Holy Grail ever proved to be. Acquiring a bed and somewhere to put my clothes has done more to make my hole feel like a home than I would have ever imagined. I can now “do nothing” comfortably in my own home. No more “lounging” or “relaxing” on indiscriminant floor areas. I’m still waiting for my exercise wheel and “no-drip” water bottle to come.

Now that the weekend has come and passed and half of America has forgotten that there ever was a city named New Orleans while the other half wonders if their donations are going straight to those pricey concessions stands in the Astrodome/SuperShelter/BushHatesUs-opolis it is time to wonder about other things.

One topic that always perplexes me is the female moustache. There is no explaining their existence or reasoning any tolerance towards them. Has anyone, male or female, ever benefited from having a female moustache? I’m sure if this were a “Family Feud” question the number one reason for a woman having a moustache would be “To get a Circus Job.” This wouldn’t be wrong per say b/c circuses have always taken in any woman with facial hair, most of the time for “just-in-case” purposes more than any other reason. Yet, if you believe this proves that someone benefits from a “female moustache” then you are assuming it is beneficial to be employed in a sideshow (be my guest, the job’s all yours, freak). The guy who makes money off the “bearded lady” is only benefiting from her misfortune and it is always easy to benefit from misfortune. Ask all those cot (or pin-pam-poom) salesmen in Houston, TX.

So why would any woman shelter any facial hair beneath her nose. It doesn’t matter if it is hardly noticeable. That only means that it’ll be visible when up close and do you really want the last thing someone will see before they kiss you to be that hint of a “flavor saver” you keep? Studies have shown this reduces kiss time by at least 4.37 seconds and Big Red is rendered useless in the midst of a “female moustache.”

Let’s stop denying it and agree that no one should have one.

Why say everyone and not “all women?” B/c prepubescent boys grow this type of moustache also, and it is as much of a crime. If by rule of thumb it is never good to half-ass anything why would it be good to not go all out on something as bold as a moustache? It’s the mantle piece of your face; your hood ornament for crying out loud.

Bleaching doesn’t help, so just have it removed. In the world of social equity there is hardly a better investment a woman could make. We can all see them, don’t deny it.

Let it be known. Talk about it. Tell all the girls you know and never planned on getting with on the first place. Make sure they don’t have one first, though. That piece will save you from someone “sonando te” with a “galleta.”

I didn't review this one for coherence. It's Monday so give me a break, you should be working.

Am I not being "PC" or just being racisit?

2005-09-09T14:25:00.000-04:00

All I can think about, as I wait for someone to go eat lunch with, is Oktoberfest in Covington, KY. Covington is where I work; it is directly across the river from Cincinnati. I really have no idea what I should expect but I can always look forward that has anything to do with beer. When an activity revolves around beer nothing can go wrong, that is until everything else around you starts revolving also. I have never been to an “Oktoberfest” per say, but I have been to many parties where there are many Caucasians congregating around the “holy brew.” I figure any “type” of Caucasian can be substituted for another. French, German, Finnish, Austrian, etc., I really see no difference when it comes to their drinking habits.

Actually take the French out of there. I don’t want to refer to the French. Its so cliché.

MY girlfriend is gone for the weekend. She gets to go back to Miami for a long weekend, but this time on her job’s dime. The company she works for is paying for her to go back home to recruit students or alumni at her own alma mater. I really am trying to find out what she did to receive this abundance of good tidings.

I know I am not famous so I have no right to express my opinion on political or social matters, but I think I am safe to ramble on my own site.

It’s safe to assume that most people (yes, I said people b/c my “site meter” is recording an actual increase in readership) who read this site are up to date on their current events, and know that Kanye West is not only an upstart music mogul but also a typical African-American advocate. I describe him as “typical” b/c when it comes to any problem that has been faced by the African-American community in this country I can’t remember one time when they didn’t claim that it is b/c they are black that they have these problems. I hope someone who reads this prove me wrong and provides an example to the contrary.

When have Hispanics done this? Africans in Africa didn’t even start asking for help with all their problems until things got really bad. They wait till a couple of nations are lost to genocide before coming to the U.S. Why isn’t Hip Hop Culture synonymous with “Welfare Culture”?

I know not all African-Americans think this way, and I think it is safe to assume that most of the black people who have been made homeless by Hurricane Katrina are not spending much time thinking about how their blackness has kept the government from helping them out.

Somehow Kanye West knows how the government works; he is an expert; do not question this fact. Don’t take into account that the government in question has take a long time to DO ANYTHING. No, it must be b/c the people who are being affected are black. B/c black people don’t vote and since politicians only care about votes why would they care about the African-American community. Can you spot the contradiction?

Another good question is why doesn’t Kanye send money or put together some type of assistance for the people down there? Is it b/c he has an album that just came out and can only benefit from any increase in popularity he receives? Since there is no Ebonics equivalent for bureaucracy he probably doesn’t know that all the money he has probably can do a lot more, a lot sooner than the money the government will spend.

Just when you thought Bush bashing was out of fashion someone comes along to show you that no one had bashed him on the Hip Hop tip. The best part is that you can’t say anything bad about it b/c a bunch of white guys you have no relation to were too ignorant to know all people should have the opportunity to be equal (Kanye has obviously proven he has no equal and can someone tell him that Anthony Mason wants his hair back.).

The President of this country really should consider the infrastructure of New Orleans’ levees as his direct responsibility. I think someone should invent some type of “toilet-hat” so that it will be even easier to shit on the president for whatever goes wrong.

Let’s not do something about it! Let’s find someone to blame! That will save us!

Obviously more could be done, but can you name one productive thing that comes out of discussing that more could have been done? Are any lives being saved by talking about it? To answer these questions read Candide

What bothers me most of all is that the average African-American walking down the street has so little in common with the people the media pushes on them as spokespersons for the Black Community.

That all might not be "PC" but since when was I required to do what is correct politically. There's no song for today either so go listen to Kanye or something.

Patrick Ewing Effect Redux? Or Cornhole Comes To You!

2005-09-08T16:02:00.000-04:00

OK, now it starts. My mission to infiltrate the inner depths of my new home town has begun. It has become of even greater importance that I meet people, do things, and experience all there is to do here in the ass crack of Ohio (I mean this in the most endearing way possible). My regular readers (read: reader) would say- “Hey you’ve been there for a while, and didn’t you write about going to baseball games and concerts?” Well, yeah I did, but I did those things as a tourist not as a resident of Cincy. Now that I have a home to call my own and almost a bed to rest my head I have made the first steps in saturating myself with this town (which I once dubbed as “God-forsaken” but have now come to find that God didn’t actually forget about Cincinnati He just lost its number when he switched service providers and is really, really sorry).

It is my hope that in my travels throughout the Queen City I will be able to relate to those back home (read: Miami) and elsewhere the things that set this town apart from all those other cities most Americans assume are just breeding grounds for white trash. Eventually someone who lives here also will read this also therefore I guess I’m going to have to stick to the facts for posterity’s sake.

That last word’s homophone- sake-(Thanks, Ross) was actually the center of my activities last night at the Cincinnati Art Museum. Sure, it took me 16 years to go to the Art Museum in the only other place I’ve lived, but like I said before I’m motivated here to get out. It was a great idea and I’m not going to take credit for it. It was actually recommended to me by, unbeknownst to them, two different sources. They had sake tasting and if you ever get a chance try plum-flavored sake.

Another unique thing to Cincinnati is Cornhole (has nothing to do with your butt), which I had mentioned before during one of my previous trips to Cincinnati (click here). Now there’s a great way for everyone (yes, I am talking to you and only you) to find out more about Cincinnati’s favorite party game. Click the link: (click the cornhole) it will take you to a beer site. Enter your birth date and then click enter. The page you will next go to has a spot toward the bottom, in the middle, that says “Cornhole, PLAY NOW.” Those instructions should get you to the game, unless you have been playing Cornhole, which would mean you are drink.

If you are having problems picking a team just think about what part of town you represent in your own hometown. Here in Cincy the “Eastside” is a more affluent part of town, while the “Westside” is considered the “blue-collar” (read: trashy) side of town. Here’s a hint if you live in Miami and don’t know which to pick- if you live close to Hialeah pick the “Westside.”

So there’s another one from Cincinnati (famous for a little known TV show in the 80’s). The Song of the Day for today is “There Is No Song of the Day for Today”.

Coming up next: Oktoberfest Kentucky Style! (They have Germans too)

Don't Call It A Comeback

2005-09-07T15:16:00.000-04:00

Here I am, at work. New job, same old function- don't do much. Actually I am in training for a few weeks so it is very slow right about now. My job is writing reports that companies use to know how their product is selling or will sell throughout all of the U.S. I really don't want to get more into it, mainly b/c of how early it is in the whole process.

Today someone gave me a "Garbage Pail Kids" trading card. No, I did not go through a time warp on my way to the edge of the Midwest. My coworker collects them and thought it would be nice to give me and another coworker each a card. The actual kid on the card has our same name. Mine is Michael Mutant. I have to admit I appreciated it. It had been a while since I had reminisced about the "GPK" crew. The other card was of Ross Roast, and I'm pretty sure I like mine better.

I am not missing home. I have too many things to do and too many problems to deal with up here that I haven't even taken a second to think about what it would feel like to miss home. I think going back for Labor Day weekend was quite productive in stalling any of those types of feelings. My time down there was fun, especially at Automatic Slim's in Ft. Lauderdale. Not so much of a good time at Sunset Tavern. I don't know if it was the fact that I was stuck inside the booth for more than I would have like or if the company was just not fun.

This weekend coming up (I know it is only Wednesday)I will be all alone in Cincinnati. I am hoping to utilize my friend-making skills and come out a winner. My definition of a winner would be any type of memory or photo that has me leading a song among a bunch of lederhosen-clad Germans in a chant as we drink beer at the Oktoberfest (the "k" means its beer-drinking time).

Soon enough I will be putting up photos of my place. I still do not have a bed or sofa or dresser, but I have a TV stand and stools. Not that I have any cable television but at least I know I could get it if I wanted to. The bed and the dresser are on their way, arriving Saturday. I am pretty sure I am going to buy a sofa later today.

My time here has been going great (during the day, mostly) and I really have little to complain about. I am excited to see what living here does to me. I am hoping that it doesn't make me talk like the people from here. I think I am going to buy one of those learn how to speak Spanish CD's just so I don't forget what it sounds like. Something funny happened to me on while I was buying my stools. I was walking to the back of the store when I happen to pass a middle-aged, bald, white male who was answering his mobile phone. When he answered he spoke in English and it actually surprised me. I was stunned that he didn't answer with a "Que Paso," "Hola," or even a "Dime lo cantando." I'm sure in time I will get used to it. Hispanics are so rare around here people don't even think to classify me as Mexican (awww how nice).

That's it. The first post from the new Cincinnati based Michael Lorenzo. I will be trying to update this site on a regular basis again and also change its look. In other words don't be surprised if this site is down or looking very weird.

Today's Song of the Day is "Yesterday to Tomorrow" by Audioslave.

T-minus 10, 9, 8, 7.....

2005-08-23T19:13:00.000-04:00

I leave tomorrow morning to Cincinnati. This may be the worst choice I've ever made (or one of the worst). I'm just hoping it isn't the best decision I ever make, I expect big things from the future you see.

I am obviously going for all the wrong reasons and not thinking things through. I am leaving home, where things are free and waiting for me, to a new place where I will have to learn how to struggle and earn everything I need or want. I am leaving Miami, the city full of non-stop fun, ever-famous for its night-life and beauty for a spot on the stoop of the Midwest- or what is known to everyone else as the most boring place on earth. The job I acquired isn't the greatest, neither is the pay. If I am not careful I might end up going down the wrong career path. Lastly my girlfriend lives in Cincinnati, which would be a saving grace in a perfect world but instead is a tremendous caveat in my world as she'd rather not have me around, at least not yet, or so close...

At this point it is abundantly clear that there are many reasons not to go. Perhaps you are even thinking "Damn, and I thought things were going well for you." Yes, ultimately things are going well, but it is mainly due to my uncanny ability to not worry about what will happen but rather look forward with excitement.

Sure it bothers me that my girlfriend, the only person I know in Cincinnati, is stressing more over the potential loss of her independence than looking forward to the fact that the person she says she loves will be around more than if we were separated by a great distance. Things get better when I tell myself that I can never begin to understand w/e type of commitment phobia (if any) she has. It is not as if I can somehow make a potion that makes her impervious to doubt. Yet here's a positive spin: all the worrying is really an effort to make our relationship work as well as possible.

I am sure she wants the best for me. My focus will be on that last one, the positive angle, however untrue it might or might not be, and just move forward believing the nothing but the best intentions are present. Then again it has been said that the way to hell is paved in good intentions.

Yeeeesh.

Ultimately I really don't know what will happen, but I am excited to find out. I would rather fall flat on my face than stay sitting on my ass.

To all 9 of you who read this I am sorry that my personal life has taken over this blog. I know no one comes here b/c of me but only b/c they are bored. I want to let you know that I will probably not be able to write a new post for a little while. Until then I will be thinking of how to make this site better and collecting my thoughts until something funny sifts through.

Observation #1

2005-08-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

Hey what's that colorful thing?

Wow a wonderful sticker!

No Way! A family uses this van?

And you have a little baby and a dog! Holy shit. Thanks for the family roster. Now I know there's no chance you have any space for me in there. I can't believe how much I know about you and I still have only seen the back of your head.

Such a great foundation for conversation and friendship has already been established thanks to Family "roster" stickers. These helpful stickers clear up things like:
1. Family size
2. Preference of dog over cat
3. Age spread of children
4. Amount of years as a parent
5. Race
6. Erectile Dysfunction
7. Sports interested in
8. Sexual Orientation
9. Hair Color
10. Marital Status
11. Lack of things to do with free time
12. Profession
and many many more!

Isn't this amazing? Now we no longer have to think of what to talk about, as long as we congregate behind our vans that is. With stickers the possibilities are endless.

Missed me?

2005-08-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

I know I’ve been neglecting my Internet pride and joy but then again I’ve always doubted the validity of this site’s audience. In my absence there have been several things that I have been wondering. Here are two of them:

1. Is there anyone stranger than Matthew Lesko that can claim to be a “New York Times Bestseller”?

For those of you who don’t know who he is I’ve added a picture to help jog your mind. The hard part in figuring out my question is that authors are usually strange quirky people. Somehow in his zealous scheme to self-promote Mr. Lesko has done two amazing things. First he’s only the second person to successfully pull off an outfit that is dominated by a type of punctuation. Yes, he is successful and I base this on the fact that he is a best-selling author but more so on the second thing he accomplished. That second thing is the fact that he’s been able to sell books through television commercials. The whole premise of a television commercial to sell a book seems weird and in my knowledge has only proved successful for books that stay at home mothers read. So kudos Mr. Lesko you’ve made “dumb” television watching Americans read a book or at least spend money as if they did know how to read.

I take that back b/c if you knew how to read you would not choose to read his books.

2. When did it become ok for British singers to sing with a British accent?

It seems that Hispanic, Asian, and, for the most part, Norwegian music artists have for a long time been under the gun to sound as “American” as possible whenever they open their mouths. This usually results in people saying “oh my god did you know he/she was from (fill in country here).”

Lately though I’ve been noticing that every British act has embraced their accent and let it fly when they sing their songs, further confusing us with inaudible lyrics. Obviously this stems from the anti-American behavior that is soooooo cool these days. So cool that it is almost hip to like America but then as soon as you do like it you realize all those country music loving hillbillies that you’ve now associated yourself with.

That is about it for now. I am in Cincinnati trying to make a life of things here. I’ll say something about it when there is a whole story to tell. For those of you who will say “Cincinnati! Wow! You must be bored out of your mind!” I will answer you by listing what I did the past few days:
- Went to a Marlins game against the Reds
- Saw Dredg in concert in an intimate setting (to say it gently)
- Interviewed for four different jobs
- Went to a birthday party
- Played a game of Cornhole
- Experienced Matisyahu

The 100th Post (Part 2)

2005-08-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

Over the past 5 days Michael Lorenzo took a trip to New York for a quick vacation before embarking on his most ambitious attempt to secure a career. Before venturing off to foreign lands Michael spent as much time as possible trying not to think. What follows is proof. This is the first in a five part series

Now I have two more New York nightclubs/bars under my belt. Tonight we went to a place called Movida. The place has a lot of potential, especially if it were still 1991. It is located on 27th street between Leroy and Bedford in case you would like to check it out for yourself.

Part of my walk through New York

Perhaps the thing that got most in the way of having a fantastic time at Movida was the fact that we didn't start the night after 1 am. After grabbing something to eat we went across the street to meet up with a friend of mine. Fortunately my sister told her and the people she was with to go wait for us at a bar that had a cover charge. We added on to the great gift of a cover charge by meeting them there about 10 minutes after they had gone in. I almost missed the bar we were meeting them at but then noticed that the place the blonde Lilliputian was herding us into was the place we had already intended to go.

After Movida we tried going to a place my sister dubbed "super cool." Apparently someone there had it out for her there b/c as soon as we got there the DJ began playing Lionel Richie. Somehow no other music epitomizes "un-super cool" than Richie's "Fiesta."

As for today I have already done something I haven't done in over 4 years- let someone cut my hair. For the past almost half a decade I have been the sole cutter of my hair. The haircut came out good but I think the tea tree oil treatment and massage were a bit much.

I missed a live band's performance but I can assure you it was fantastic. Everyone there seemed to be in a state of descending elation. As a consolation I was privileged to watch some Asians and Puerto Ricans play hand ball. I had no idea that handball was still being played. The torch has been passed to the immigrant community in the inner city, and it is burning bright.

It is always amazing to just walk the streets of New York, you learn so much like how it is totally legal to let your toddler cop a squat right on the sidewalk. Wow!

The 100th Post (Part 1)

2005-08-03T09:26:00.000-04:00

Over the past 5 days Michael Lorenzo took a trip to New York for a quick vacation before embarking on his most ambitious attempt to secure a career. Before venturing off to foreign lands Michael spent as much time as possible trying not to think. What follows is proof. This is the first in a five part series

I am currently at the airport waiting for my airborne chariot to carry me to New York. Most people associate bustling streets, overwhelming crowds, and a vast multitude of things to do with New York. Yet somehow right before heading off to this uber-exciting place what do I find myself feeling except this 14 year old girl neurosis that I am getting fat.

Those who haven't seen me in a long time would say: "Getting fat? I thought you were in the running for mayor of Fatsville for some time now?"

Those who have seen me more recently would just tell me to stop eating shit.

But both of those groups only refer to the 2 universal rules for conversations concerning fat and fat people:
1. If you are fat and talk about getting fat you disgust people
2. If you aren't fat and talk about gaining weight people think you are neurotic.

The thing is I'm just missing the way things were when I worked out and exercised. Due to being in geographical limbo I can not get a routine started. I worry about gaining fat b/c I miss the effects of exercised. My deep fear of ever growing man boobs also contributes to this.

Never mind that. New York awaits as I try to party in two of the biggest party cities in this country on consecutive weekends. I didn't realize this was going to happen a few weeks ago but now I figure to be exhausted by the time I return to Miami. Obviously my trip to Cincinnati will be the cure to too-much partying, but then again I could be underestimating Ohio (also called Iowa if you're French).

Before leaving to New York I want to take a moment to talk about an new album, in hopes of having some continuity on this blog. Today's album is "From Under the Cork Tree" by Fall Out Boy. It seems this will be there break out album after flying under the radar for some years. They have made a record that seems to point where most other bands have gone wrong. Using their hardcore pasts to build an interesting pop-sound they have come up with songs that are more meaningful, musically, than radio favorites such as Green Day, Jimmy Eat World, or Simple Plan. Don't get me wrong its not all great stuff but as a whole its definitely good.

Losing Novelty on the Ninety-Ninth

2005-07-27T19:50:00.000-04:00

Today I was in charge. That's right, I was the boss. Two days from being done at Echovant and it was yours truly who put on the funny captain's hat and gave people reason to say, "who the hell does he think he is." I ruled with an iron poker, prodding my officemates along with sarcastic encouragements and depericating self-evaluation. I even solidified my place on top with a 2 hour lunch squeezed into my work day.

The best part was getting to work 5 minutes before everyone else. This allowed for me to leave the time I came in ambiguous. Not that I want to lie on my time sheet I just feel its better to have the seed of doubt in my fellow workers' mind.

I really don't know if I am done with Echovant but I am trying to end it for good. That place seems to be like a friend that pops in every once in a while with a good story to tell you but not the ears to listen to any of yours. In other words, at this point I have more to offer them than they have to offer me.

What I'm really fearing today is the fact that posting seems to be getting old to me. My proverbial humor mojo is running out. For this reason alone I plan on reaching the centennial blog until I have come back from New York. Something tells me I'll actually have something to say after that trip.

I'll finish on a review of the new Foo Fighter's album "In Your Honor":

I've got another confession to make,
I like the Foo

The problem is outside of the uber-catchy song that I am referring to ("The Best of You") I can't really find myself digging any song heavily. Sure there are nice riffs but at this point I wonder if they made this entire album just for that first single. Also to consider is the fact that every Foo Fighter album takes time to grow on you. Nothing new is being done or explored but its rock music, its tight and you could definitely listen to it over and again.

I say give it a chance if you can. The Foo Fighters are now firmly in the pop lexicon of this country and I'll support them as long as front man Dave Grohl keeps branching out to play drums with truly great bands like Queens of the Stone Age or Tenacious D.

That's it for today. Take time to admit to your friends you enjoy reading this peice of crap site and also to look at past blogs. The 100th post is soon upon us. Look for it come Aug 2nd or 3rd. I'm off to find the humor in life.

Some Puerto Rican Girls Who are just Dyyyyying To Meet You.

2005-07-24T14:35:00.000-04:00

This weekend I've been going out to some of Miami's hot spots. At first I learned how easy it is to get on "the list" to get into clubs, yet later on in the night I learned how much of a lie my previous lesson had been since I didn't get on any list even though I was told I was.

I still got in without much of a problem. The first night I made clear to the "list bearer" that even though she wasn't going to find my name on the list she wasn't going to find many guys trying to get into the club with 5 girls in tow. Thankfully the "girl to guy" ratio thing always works out if girls outnumber heavily. Needless to say she was happy to find a group that wasn't all guys.

Last night though the ratio wasn't weighed so heavily towards the girls. Earlier in the day my girlfriend called the club we were going to to see if we could be put on the list. The person who answered said yes and made it seem that it was harder to tie your shoes that get on the coveted guest list for a night club. Well, whoever answered the phone must have been feeling especially nice b/c no one was on any list once we got to the door and we were left to deal with an extremely perplexed gargantuan Samoan dude. Are gargantuan and Samoan synonymous?

In the end we all got in, three of us were charged but everyone helped out. I needed the help since I was without any tangible money so I made sure to repay with drinks until we were all too inebriated to know what money was.

Unfortunately the night ended with us getting chicken nuggets. A terrible idea that tasted so good at 4 in the morning. Fortunately all the drinking made the wait in the drive through bearable and the actual eating of the nuggets an adventure. Good night overall, although I probably did or said something while drunk that made my girlfriend mad or painted me as an asshole, but hey I never claimed to be all roses and pussycats.

Moving on now, I want to talk a little about the state of this blog. I am a bit disappointed that more people frequent the Garfield store in the Miami International Mall than this website but then again I used to love Garfield too, although Heathcliff was a bit more my style. Perhaps my lack of fascination with Garfield now is the reason I am no longer a fat ass. He really does encourage over eating, especailly slurping down lasagna without taking the time to chew.

From looking at the site meter I've noticed that this site is experiencing a big dropoff on the weekends and is booming mid-week. Obviously no one is surfing the internet during the weekend and I am happy that this functions more as a break for people during the workday monotony.

Surprisingly though there seems to be people that are accessing this site from other continents. I don't know if this is by mistake or pure serendipity but it all plays into my plan to become a celebrity in Asia and Africa. My reasoning behind that is that they seem to be free of the hussy fussy paparazzi Western civilization has deemed as penance for being famous. So whoever that one person in Laos who has come to this site, I hope you tell more people (even if you don't like it) and I also hope that picture of Asian hostages on the last post didn't get taken the wrong way.

I also seem to be read on the West Coast. That site meter is doing wonders for my ego.

If anyone has any pictures that they would like to have put on this site please e-mail them to me @ mslorenzo@gmail.com. My camera is broken and I desire to live vicariously through your camera. Don't worry about being embarrassed with your picture I intend to photoshop my face onto your own in the picture.

Why Not Two For Thursday's?

2005-07-21T21:47:00.000-04:00

Long time fans of "The Daily Lorenzo" hearken back to a time of brooding and self loathing that was back then called "Philosophia Determinida." In those days I used to write much worse (can you believe it?) and I used to talk about work. Most of that job-talk had to do with how annoying I found my office mate. I doubt most will remember those posts but I'll try to find the link to them at some point.

What I am getting at here is that something about work is about to be written about.

For those who don't know I work at a marketing company, which means that occasionally I get to have the fun job of coming up with commercials. Sometimes they are for print, others for radio, and once in a while for television. The best part of television ads is that they cost a lot so that means that most of the ideas that you would be able to come up with are going to be rejected. Thankfully, most of the times they are rejected with gusto and an explanation of how your idea is terrible.

Right now we are working with Full Throttle, a new energy drink made by Coca Cola. The account manager for this product at Coca Cola had the bright idea of getting two ad agencies together to come up with a television commercial that will help the drink breakthrough the Red Bull domination.

The Coke representative went on to let the other ad agency come up with an ad and then told us we had to Hispanic-cize their ad. In the ad a guy is kidnapped, shaved, tattooed, beaten, and then humiliated. Why that ad works for this guy is beyond me. I haven't seen any research that says consumers of energy drinks are sadomasochistic.

The main problem I have with the ad is that you don't want to put kidnapping in a Hispanic ad. Abductions are huge problem in most Latin American countries and guess where most of the people who are watching Spanish language programming just came from. It is preposterous to imagine that being kidnapped and tortured are going to make you want to buy the product that makes that happen. You also have to wonder what kind of hardcore metrosexual makeover is this. Who shaves another guys face? Especially in a van, and while a guy is holding him down and another is tattooing his back.

The best part is that Full Throttle has much less of the ingredients that energized when compared to Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar. Its more like a Soda with some pep to it. It does taste good though, especially if you like Mountain Dew.

Some people just don't get it.

Others do, like Franklin the Cordial Storm. It seems the hoopla I made over that storm coming was just that. It is now turning away, rescinding its plans to come to Florida in turn for better weather at Bermuda. Thank you pressure systems you have made my weekend more enjoyable already.

You know who else is going to get it? Those damn Iraqis. I say damn because they really do seem damned. Apparently the U.S. military has devised a "death ray" but thankfully have opted to set it to "stun". The device shoots microwaves at you and in five seconds you begin feeling tremendous pain. Why it hurts, or by what method do the microwave make you feel pain are beyond me but I wonder if your insides are melting or something. They plan on using this for riot control.

I wonder if this "ray" will be visible, and once more countries have it if the good guys will have blue and the bad guys red like in G.I. Joe. Just click here to get more info.

People say the Patriot Act is bad, but thanks to that legislature we now have this death ray. For more information on the crazy sci fi type shit that is going down in military research just go to DARPA's web page. Just imagine what they aren't letting everyone know.

So if you are in Iraq stay away from riots, especially if you are wearing glasses. They might make your eyes explode.

More on the way. I swear I've got Blogging Fever.

Most Men Can't Say "No" To Sex

2005-07-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging, but the title of this blog shouldn't lead you to believe you know the reason why. To me it epitomizes Western culture, which I'll get to later here.

I have received some fan mail in my absence asking "what happened." My response is that I do too many "what happened while I was gone" blogs. To be honest I haven't been doing anything. I'm actually not busy, just disenfranchised.

I think it all happened when I started thinking about how everyone blames everyone else, therefore no one, yet everyone is to blame. Somewhere in an article where the mayor of London blamed every western leader but himself for the public transit bombings. He went on and on about how Western civilization has created terrorism b/c it went after the Arab's oil and tried to use them to make a profit. My first reaction was to wonder if somewhere deep inside of me I had an inkling of a negative feeling for what had occurred in the Arab world over the past century. This soul-spelunking resulted in zero excavations of pity or sympathy, surprisingly uncovering a jackpot of disrespect.

Are people supposed to feel bad about making money? I know that I have read too much Ayn Rand to say yes to that question. Its too bad they didn't get a "fair" deal in their own eyes for all that oil, but how is that now everyone's problem. Native Americans got a raw deal. Much worse than the Arabs. At least they didn't have to move. What did the natives do? They aren't bombing people or threatening to massacre someone else's way of life. Sure they fought back while they were getting the run out of their land but they got over it.

These days Native Americans are taking most of America for all they got using our own medicine- capitalism. Thanks to all their casinos Tribes are raking in large amounts of money that no one ever thought they'd get their hands on. Kudos to them.

Obviously Native Americans have made a living for themselves in many different ways outside of casinos and that shouldn't be ignored. Yeah, Yeah, it still sucks that all this land was "their's" and it no longer it is but that's the way intelligence works. You are only as smart as the next person is stupid, ignorance not withstanding.

Up to now this post isn't funny. It is actually quite serious, and in the end the amount of radical Arabs, because wanting to blow up stuff makes you an Arab these days, that read my blog are probably zero.

Today is Thursday and I have taken a vow of celebration on this day. I promise to go out and do all of the things that make people laugh at me (keyword: at). The news is that it is supposed to rain heavily tonight though. I for one am not afraid.

I will be leaving to New York next week and then Cincinnati soon after that. If anyone wants to join this brief tour of America please let me know so I can make clear you weren't invited.

That's it for this installment. If you want more blogs leave more comments. I have an ego that needs constant affirmation.

Music Machete Returns

2005-07-14T18:16:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the weekend just creeps up on you, especially when you work only 5 days the past two weeks. I have to admit not working Friday through Wednesday is a great deal, too bad it doesn't do much for the cash flow situation.

I spent most of the past few days with my friend who was down visiting, and reacquainting myself with my globetrotting girlfriend. I'm going to try to put a couple posts up in the next days and get back into a rhythm because I have to admit the comedy has been a bit spotty.

For all of those who have been keeping up on "The Battle for Michaels Knee" I want to say that the campaign is nearing its end and I am almost fully recovered. Even my therapist, Suzy, says so, but she is only an intern so don't put too much weight on what she thinks. Either way I will be back to kicking ass in a couple weeks. Let's get to the music review since that is the crux of this post.

I haven't acquired that many new CD's these days but the one I have gotten has made the wait worthwhile. If you need more reviews in your life I have added a new link to a site dedicated to music you won't find on the radio- so you know its good. Just click the Left Off the Dial to the left over there.

The album I am talking about is Dredg's "Catch Without Arms." I have professed the virtues of listening to Dredg to most of those I hold dear so it goes without saying that I am going to like anything they do. Fortunately they have gone beyond anything I expected and tightened up a sound that was already air tight like a dolphin's ass. Here is what some people are saying about it:
"This music pulverizes while still feeling lighter than air"

"I wish I wouldn't have ever heard this album so I could re-live what it did to me the first time I heard it"

"My ears feel spicy"

Obviously, you should not go by what other's say, and who knows how it actually feels to have spicy ears, but I beg someone to listen to Dredg and conclude that they just wasted their time. Guitar like hammer, bass syncopating to your body rhythm, and drums that keep your ass bouncing all work together to wrap you in it from head to toe.

In my opinion the singer, Evan, has improved tremendously from album to album and finally he fits in with the music sublimely. I suggest you spend $10 and add a worthy album to your collection, b/c most collections would be improved by it. I know I don't usually make a suggestion when it comes to music, but this one has got me good. I'll try to take pictures of their show on August 6, which I will be attending.

If you want to listen to them now you can find them on Yahoo music just click this link. They are in a competition to figure out the "best upcoming band," but they don't really care since they know they are good.

The whole enchilada

Why the beans aren't for me.

2005-07-11T08:59:00.000-04:00

Here's something if you're bored Monday and stumbled in my direction:

I've been planning my escape for a while, from Miami that is. Although this comes as no surprise to those who know me I still get asked:
"Why do you want to leave?"
or
"How can you leave all these frijoles?"

The first one is easy- 22 years of this same place is enough for me. The second one is a bit more perplexing and brings up a really practical point, yet somehow I seem to have prioritized differently.

There is no denying that I enjoy Miami, in fact I believe it is a part of who I am. Thinking about this lead me to ask "how much is this city a part of my life?". Over my long period of observation here I have been led to conclude that only by figuring out how much of my life is related to Dan Marino, the man who ruled this land my entire life, will I ever know if this is the place for me.

He is the man would be the god-like hero blind old poets would write about in Miami if anyone still read poetry and football players were allowed to use weapons. In his rule over this city of mine Dan Marino's path and my own have intersected. For instance:
1. I was born two weeks later than I supposed to in an attempt to signal what would come just two weeks after my date of birth- the drafting of Dan Marino by The Miami Dolphins on April 26, 1983.
2. Neither I nor Dan Marino have won our way in to the Super Bowl.
3. We both have our own websites - even sharing common goals on what we use our sites for- Dan Marino.com
4. He's from Pittsburgh, I have been to Pittsburgh
5. Most recently we will both be in Ohio in early August.

These coincidences rank me as only a 38.75 out of 100 in The Miami-Marino Correlation Scale. Others in this city can tie much more of their own history to Dan Marino than I can, yet it takes a vast knowledge of Dan Marino history (this knowledge on its own accounts for 25 points on the Miami-Marino Scale).

I was there, were you?

It seems my moderate knowledge of Marino history has shown me that on one hand I definitely have seen how he has been a part of my life. Unfortunately on the other hand all this has made evident that, in one more way, I am not cut out for this town. I ca not show my face with dignity in this city with that low of a score.

Send Marino my share of the frijoles bounty, Lord knows he's earned it.

With pig leather and head protection he ruled.

Tell a Friend

2005-07-07T13:16:00.000-04:00

Top 5 Reasons I am Writing Today:
1. To make clear I was not in London for the past week nor this morning
2. My absence has had nothing to do with the lack of Cathartic Nonsense
3. I am positive I have completely lost my audience
4. I am very disappointed with my last post not the Puppy Massacre though
5. This is the last day I will be able to write using my bionic enhancements

Top 5 Reasons I Had Not Posted In Over A Week:
1. Absence of my muse
2. Disbelief in Greek Mythology
3. Good Law & Order episodes on TNT & USA this week
4. Delayed reactions to planets' alignment
5. I spent a lot of time trying to find good tasting mangoes before I gave up

There you go. I always liked to be balanced and tell both sides of the story.

The past few days I've stared at this blog, mainly b/c of my inability to go out much, but what I have noticed that the direction my posts have taken is far from what the objective of this blog is- me. Let's all hope and pray I can be as self-centered as necessary to get back to what's important- me.

I am officially scheduled to have the tube that my drugs are shot into me taken out of me tomorrow @ Noon time. This means three things:
1. No needing to inject antibiotics into myself anymore
2a. My day doesn't stop for half an hour three times a day
2b. I no longer have a real good excuse to leave work early
3. There will be no more chances to have vodka shots administered through intravenous tubes jutting out of my bicep.

Yes some good some bad, but I am not going to regret having this God forsaken catheter removed.

It will be especially welcome since my South African friend Eugene is coming. Yes, you do need to put the person's nationality in front of the word "friend" if they are from Eastern Europe, Africa, or Asia. My loyal readers may remember Eugene from my previous post about going to his brother's concert. Apparently my failure to do much around his bro's concert other than loaf around and complain about how much my knee hurts convinced him that he should come back to South Florida. The concert is taking a 6 day break and he gets a free ticket to anywhere. I suppose by anywhere they mean the continental U.S. and a few Canadian provinces. Out of all those places he surprisingly chose Miami.

Who knew I could do such a great job for the South Florida Tourism Board.

Either way if anyone has any ideas on what to do with my South African friend around town please e-mail me at mslorenzo@gmail.com. You would be doing your part to help an African, and everyone knows they're a better person just by helping out an African. He's told me that all he's looking for is "Sexy Parties."

Before I go I just want to say Happy Birthday to Michelle Kwan, Ringo Starr, and Pierre Cardin who are each celebrating their birthdays today. Best Wishes and Chutzpah.

Contest Alert: To recieve 3 coupons for free Blizzards from Dairy Queen please send in your best portrait of yours truly. The best two will be posted on this site. Only one will win though. Good Luck!

2005-07-06T14:55:00.000-04:00

Chop chop!

Rock & Roll and The Coming Homo Exodus

2005-06-29T20:14:00.000-04:00

Hark, the gates of Open Mindedness have een breached. It seems our more carefree and liberal brethren to the north in Canada have chosen to allow same-sex marriages. This is just another move in the long list of legislature that keeps Ol' Maple Leaf Country way more progressive than the U.S. But the real reason they do it is just to say- "Those American's are so ignorant, eh?."

You see this in their minds makes them better than us, but they won't say that b/c declaring yourself superior is too American for them. It is also not surprising that Canadians would be more liberal than us. If you noticed by the red/blue map during election time most of the Democrat (read: liberal) states were up north, usually really up north. When it gets cold you need to be able to make decisions that are extreme.

Say you're a New Englander and there's a blizzard outside, and you need to fill your refrigerator with more Clam Chowdah. You only have to choices and each are extremes:
1. Go outside and freeze your ass off
2. Stay inside all day and order Chinese food.

You see people in the cold need to make or break decisions all the time, so they are used to accepting extremes. They're not being liberal or progressive they are just being themselves. It's Jack Frost's fault as much as anyone that the Northeast is full of Homosexuals and Asians. Look at Vermont for example.

To most Americans, who are as ignorant as every other society, this solves their problems. Now we can just say to those whiny Homosexuals, "Hey you, go buy a coat and go to Canada." Why do you need to make it legal now. It would just bandwagonning at this point and no one likes the last one to join the group, therefore its better to just stay out of that group.

So if you have any Homosexual friends start calling up dance halls and restaurants to make you reservations before every place is booked with "Going Away" parties. You don't want to be the jerk who seems to not care that your closest homosexual friends are leaving to Canada. I bid thee a fond farewell Homosexuals.

This change in policy brings up the question of which city is most Homosexually conducive. I'd like to see other's opinions on this. Sure Montreal is more French, so you know they aren't going to care about what anyone does. Vancouver has a bustling metropolitan area. Medicine Hat is full of "lumberjacks" take that for what its worth. Somone needs to put together all the stereotypes of the Homosexual lifestyle and formulate which city is best for gay Americans to flock to, and I really didn't mean a pun it just came out.

Looking back Kids in the Hall seems to have been a major hint to where Canada/American relations would go.

This is where you can make some dumb joke about birds usually flying south for the winter.

There is one other thing I want to bring up now, and that is the fact that Hispanic radio is trampling over Rock radio. In Miami we have 2 rock stations and they both have major flaws.
- One plays only Classic Rock
- The other plays only Metallica

Latin rock though is played on about 5 stations. I'm all for diversification so when it comes to Latin Rock I'm completely against it. I am happy most other cultures have stuck to their traditional music while still being able to listen to Western civilization's. It all sounds exactly like Rock in the late 70's and early 80's.

Not that many were listening to rock back then here in America thanks to disco. Either way most South American pop culture is in what seems to be a hippie mode. Evidence for this is seen in how they have adopted the movements hairstyle. The whole "Peace and Love" ideal has nothing to do with it. Its only a superficial change but at least they let you know where their music is historically with their hair do's.

South America's version of The Partridge Family

Additionally I have to put up with commercials on the television for Latin radio morning shows. You might be saying right now - "But Michael, I thought you yourself were a Hispanic. Why the hoopla. Buy in."

The problem I have with the commercial is that the commercial has two guys dancing around some middle aged woman who is bent over wearing a thong. Sure they are singing a song who's title translates to "Poor Ass Cheek" but don't be fooled they aren't doing this out of sympathy.

I don't listen to the show but here's the link to their website. Its not bad. To see the "Pobre Nalga" video just scroll down. Yet Howard Stern is not allowed to be on the radio. Don't get me wrong each chance Hispanics get to do something that is disallowed to Jews its hardly tipping the scales.

They're looking out for your ass cheeks too

I don't know where this city is going but I know the direction is dead south. Hell? Latin America? You choose.

The Song of the Day for Today might as well be "Pobre Nalga" by Enrique Santos and Jose Ferrero.

Also an annoucements to all you silent fans you can now e-mail me what you think and not have to worry about registering to post a comment. I'll repost it, unless you don't want that but you're going to have to let me know. Just click the little envelope at the end of each post. So, now I have the ability to makeup comments.

We're #1!!!

2005-06-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days you know isn't about you but about us. By us I mean Floridians, be it past, present or future. I'm almost positive everyone who reads this is in one of those categories. Either way just by being Americans you know that you know longer need to worry about Arabs and now must focus your fear on all Shark species. Shark attacks are on huge increase, just last week no one was talking about them, now every news station is running to their local fish store to hire someone who is an expert on sharks.

Who benefits the most from these attacks? Well, Arubans obviously. Who cares about missing Alabama girls while sharks are swimming off shore just waiting to take a hunk-a-chunk of flesh from innocent backwater folk living in Florida's panhandle. I don't want to implicate that Aruba is sending the sharks so I'll just drop it.

The real reason today is great day for Floridians is b/c thanks to the sacrifices of two "panhandlers" Florida has he highest shark attack average in the world! The news said it this morning so apparently someone is keeping very close tabs on this. Some might argue that Australia is notorious for Shark attacks. First of all Australia has Great Whites so as far as shark populations go they have the "sexiest." Second of all an idea arose in a conversation I was having with a coworker. The idea was that perhaps Australians aren't reporting their shark attacks. Anyone who knows anything about Aussies knows that they are perfectly epitomized by Crocodile Dundee. They're tough people, generations and generations of penal colonization has evolved them into "leather-skinned" hicks with no ability to feel pain.

That argument hasn't totally convinced me and either way it just gives me more reasons to be proud I am a Floridian and not an Australian. Such as:
1. We can tell when a shark has bitten into us
2. We can count
3. We have a strong heritage of working class sharks, not the prissy Great Whites only
4. People like alligators better than crocodiles

Today be proud Floridians! We made the news and it didn't involve a child abduction.

Half-Assin' Mama

2005-06-27T12:17:00.000-04:00

Today I lack all luster, perhaps a hold over from practicing lethargy intensely all weekend. In hopes that frequency breeds popularity I'll be lazy and copy stuff just so I can have a post for today. In case you don't know what McSweeneys is the rest of this post will come from their "New Food Reviews."

Here are some of my favorites:

Breakfast in a Can

Submitted by Ori Fienberg

Britain's food scene has become so pervasively and popularly multinational that many Brits think their nation invented the curry. Recently, a popular food magazine even featured London as a hub for good eats. But in order to really appreciate London's change we must delve into its sordid roots.

Brits have the standards: mutton sog, fish 'n' chips, blood pudding, bangers and mash, toad in a hole, fried Mars bars, and, in the northern regions, haggis and head cheese, but these all pale in comparison to a product available in every Tesco, Waitrose, and 24-hour convenience store: Breakfast in a Can. This is the quintessential British breakfast. The mushy fried tomato, the mushy canned mushrooms (always canned, never fresh, as if by some uncodified law), the mushy baked beans, sausage, and even a strangely mushy egg, over easy, all in one convenient container. When I first saw it in the supermarket I absolutely had to buy it.

I thought perhaps I'd save it for a time of desperation, or a special occasion. But eventually this waiting, and some apprehension over what I might unleash by opening it, turned it into a talisman and a shrine. An object to be both feared and revered. When it came time to leave London, the Breakfast in a Can was the last thing I took out of the cupboard, and even then I considered packing it to bring home, to show off to my friends, like a bizarre convenience-store hunting trophy.

Instead, I took the Breakfast in a Can out of the cupboard and put it into a box of nonperishable food goods to donate to the food bank. Perhaps someone will be able to enjoy it now. But I suspect it is the same for all those who live in Britain. Probably each family has a Breakfast in a Can in their cupboard, firmly respected, but never eaten.

- - - -

Pickled Shark

Submitted by Tim Wild

I ate this at a "Welcome to Iceland" dinner, along with some strips of smoked puffin and a sizable slice of whale, neither of which was anywhere near disagreeable enough to prevent me eating them again. When I gently asked where they'd got the whale from, the chef told me it had been killed years before the ban and that they just took the occasional piece out of the freezer, and then he burst into derisive laughter. If you ever want to annoy environmentalists, Iceland is an excellent place to start.

My hosts informed me that this pickled shark foodstuff was invented by early Icelandic settlers. Lacking refrigeration, they used to dig a big hole in the ground, piss on the shark fillets, and then bury them, to dig up months later when things got desperate. This turned out to be a hilarious lie, but after eating it, I took some convincing. I also thought the traditional accompaniment of Brennivín schnapps smelled vile, until I used it to wash down the shark. The most popular and profitable restaurant in Iceland is a hot-dog stand.

- - - -

McDonald's OJ/Coffee Combo

Submitted by Cathy Hannan

I was somewhere in America's Heartland this weekend and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I know eating there is lame, but trust me, Ferrarri's, the only other thing open, didn't look safe. I ordered a biscuit-crap thing, orange juice, and coffee. The zit-faced teen shoved the tray at me.

There was one cup.

"Wait," I said, "where's the orange juice?"

"In the cup," she said.

"Well, then, where's the coffee?"

Clearly, she was dealing with a retard. She sighed.

"In the cup," she said.

I took the top off. There was a lukewarm, translucently caramel-colored liquid inside. Yes, she had given me a cup filled with half coffee/half OJ. Is this some taste sensation sweeping the nation? I have seen no ad for "I'm lovin' it OJ/coffee combo," but since she was so convincing in making it seem like it was a normal thing to order, I tasted it. I mean, the first time someone offered me a beet-and-goat-cheese salad I thought yuck, and now, well, it's one of my favorite things. But the OJ and coffee? It really sucked.

- - - -

Deer Park Natural Spring Water

Submitted by Bernd Sauermann

Try it. You'll like it. It tastes like nothing. Not even a hint of deer feces.

- - - -

Double Fudge Yoohoo

Submitted by Sida Xiong

The time-honored tradition of shaking the chocolate sludge off the bottom of the Yoohoo bottle is made doubly better by Double Fudge Yoohoo. Indeed, this Yoohoo is twice as dark, twice as thick, and the equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson to regular Yoohoo's Pootie Tang, or so it would seem. I have to regretfully inform the consumer that, while Double Fudge Yoohoo is an inspired chocolate flavor idea, it will have to go the way of celery Jell-O.

Halfway through the bottle, your mouth is rocking on a sensation of drinking pudding, but nearing the last third, suddenly your glycemic level is going out of control. With your teeth aching and your eyes nervously twitching, you flash back to Uma Thurman's OD scene in Pulp Fiction. Not wanting to be turned into a pillar of sugar, I dunked the last third of Double Fudge Yoohoo in the appropriate receptacle.

Good riddance, to diabetes that is.

- - - -

Jolly Time Kettle Corn

Submitted by Konstantine Simakis

Imagine if popcorn blew a dope line of snow and you'll begin to understand the addictive allure of kettle corn, a fatty snack that's a lot like normal popcorn except, what the hell? It tastes like candy, and leaves you with a sugary postnasal drip. And don't even try to figure out how they get it to do that. Trust me, I've tried.

Until recently, kettle corn was a curio available only at fairs, freak shows, and other summertime special occasions—but thanks to the sticks-in-the-mud at so-called Jolly Time, now you can pop a batch of kettle corn in the microwave whenever you goddamned please. So go ahead! Stuff handfuls of it into your mouth in the middle of February! While you're at it, listen to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" on repeat! Yeah, you're desecrating the sanctity of American seasonal tradition, but what do you care, you pinko scum?

- - - -

There's a ton of these. Click the link to the right labled "McSweeney's" if you want to read more.

Who know's maybe I'll write something today.

Today's Song of the Day is "Dog on Wheels" by Belle and Sebastian. (join the bandwagon now)

Weekend Blowout

2005-06-24T16:47:00.000-04:00

I think I might go out this weekend. In case you weren't watching last weekend or perhaps you just don't associate yourself with temporary cripples, I was having a pretty tough time moving or even sitting around. A week does a lot for a man, especially when you have a staph infection and are recovering from 4 knee surgeries in less that a month. I'm not gonna go nuts but I have to be honest I am at least open to that possibility.

So if you are American you know by now that Tom Cruise is insane. The good news is that Tom actually does read and cares a lot about Brooke Shields. That latter says a lot because the only other person that isn't Brooke's family that actually cares for her is Michael Jackson. I don't think I need to elaborate on what happens when people can talk about you in the same sentence as Michael Jackson.

This news was so big that it overshadowed a incredible caper that went down here in South Florida. It isn't that I am in tune with the happenings of Miami any more than the next guy, nor do I tune in to Spanish radio (God no!). This amazing story would be everywhere if it weren't Tom Cruise. It happens to be that three men wearing white masks and capes ransacked this woman's house, and in the process stole a baby owl monkey (worth $2,000).

You'd think Owl Monkeys would have bigger nostrils with those great picking fingers

How are we going to stop 3 men wearing masks, easy shoot them up and take picture of their face after. But capes! They had capes! Not just one either b/c then you could say that oh well they have a nut leading them, but when everyone is wearing capes what do you do. Do you shoot at them? How do you know it will do anything, or better how will you hit anything, the cape is highly distracting. Apparently necessity breeds innovation so superheroes must be on the way b/c in all my years of education I have only seen superheroes capable of stopping any caped troupe.

It wasn't even good cape weather. That's probably indicative of this group of thieves having some sort of superhuman bravado.

But really the capes were a bit much, no?

Anyways I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that has begun to concern me as I have had to watch more TV in my time as a half-cripple. That concern being that I have no idea what to do if my child is born a sociopath. From my exposure, as an ignorant American, all I know is that you need to throw sociopaths into a locked room and throw away the keys.

I actually did have to study some about sociopath's in that God forsaken Criminology class I took at the community college. It manifests during puberty and leaves supposedly around 65 years of age. This has a two fold effect:
1. Most will never survive sex with a sociopath
2. They'll receive social security without really contributing much

I'd like help with this and have some suggestions or anecdotes at least that will shed l;light on what should I do if I have sociopathical child. Should I just cherish the years before puberty? Most parents would claim those are the only years they wish their kids would be alive for.

If you stayed late at work on Friday, you got a treat, but you're also pathetic ('cause its Friday). Have a good weekend.

Today's Song of the Day is "Catch Without Arms" by Dredg

Aren't We Special

2005-06-23T09:16:00.000-04:00

One of my loyal reader's uncle

Perhaps it is because this is such a tropical, ecologically vibrant area that South Florida has locally famous wilderness men such as Max Osceola, Manny Puig, Billy Cypress, and the Swamp Ape. I'm pretty sure most other cities do not have this type of roster of frontiersmen among their citizens, but I'll cut most cities some slack due to the lack of "frontier" land for people of that type to romp around in.

Max Osceola keeping it real

Amazingly even with this wealth of men who are willing to spend the majority of their lives, at least the prime years of it if not, interacting with wild animals and overcoming strange mosquito given diseases there is one man who stands above them all when it comes to animal expertise.

His name is Ron Magill.

From his Metro Zoo kingdom located where human civilization once ended and wildlife began Ron reigns with an iron fist, ensuring that it is his opinion that shapes all South Floridians' knowledge of wild animals. Ron won't tell you what to do with your dog, cat, horse, fish, or cow but he will make sure that you come to him when you aren't sure which type of Heron it is that is nesting in banana plantation you just planted in your backyard. Ron most likely became an expert at a young age because firstly he's seems to have been around forever and secondly I doubt he could find many girls that were attracted to a flesh toned personification of Gonzo the muppet.

South Florida reveres Ron, so much so that it even goes to him when strange bugs infiltrate the area. Reporters know that when dealing with an animal story for the late night news they could either:
a) Do hours and hours of research to gain knowledge on the animal the story is interested in and think of everyday words to replace those "textbooky" words we all hate to hear on television
or
b)Call Ron Magill and find out what time you can go to his proverbial Serenghetti palace

I'm pretty sure other cities don't have this type of position in their municipalities: Animal Expert. Here in Miami we do, and boy does Ron do a great job. Everyone knows he's the animal guy. Who could forget a face like his? Not even the animals can displace his lovely mug and are capable of recognizing the trademark toucan beak underlined with a walrus moustache. They know that face will make them famous.

Listen to Ron he'll tell you helpful things like "Don't stick grasshoppers in your mouth" and "Hippos are responsible for more injury and deaths to humans than any other animal in Africa."

Wrangling his 'Stache automatically makes him a Wildlife Expert

Thanks Ron, I now have no need to buy those pricey Wildlife Trading Cards, although I could have used the wonderful carrying case.

Today's Song of the Day is "Walking with a Ghost" by Tegan and Sara

Roots, Rock, Reggae

2005-06-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

Upon my return from being as close to social oblivion as possible I gained a strong addiction to everyone's clinic on American justice: Law & Order.

I was able to spend my nights, sadly, catching as many of these shows as possible. And I mean all flavors be it original, special victims, criminal intent, or even the new trial by jury, which is bound to be available for only a limited time. I took a Criminology course at the local community college when I was still in high school and I can truly say that I learned more about catching criminals by the time the opening credits were over. That said I think the amount of episodes of I've seen along with that criminology course must leave me more prepared than half the cops in this city.

Consequently it dawned me why it is that Law & Order is so damn popular among young Americans, and it is, perhaps even more so than most are willing to admit but the same thing could be said for drugs and those malt-liquor Bacardi drinks that someone seems to be buying up. Either way what I figured out was that the entire premise of Law & Order is identical to The Scooby-Doo Mysteries w/o the monster costume. The suspects occupation or background work as the masks or costumes that the culprit always used to scare Shaggy and Scoobs. Once Brisco or McCoy "unmasks" the suspect for what they are then do we say "ohhhhhhh, no wonder they did it." Here are some other similarities:
1. You always see the culprit in the first 10 minutes of the show.
2. There are always 2 or 3 other people that are thought to be more criminal-esque
3. The Mystery Squad or Law& Order teams always cross boundaries that somehow all other forms of law enforcement seemed impenetrable.

So that's it. If it weren't for Scooby Doo Law & Order would never be here.

In other news: I'm almost ready to start working so I actually need to start a routine again. I can't really walk yet and my knee swells like a balloon if I push it so I figure to not put that many hours in at first. I'm almost myself. Once I'm there I swear to write something funny, until then just picture old people falling. If you think that's mean picture them falling into a tub of orange marmalade.

I'm out like Jerry Orbach.

Come and Take Me

2005-06-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

Top Rumors of What Made Me Disappear
1. Eaten by spiders
2. Federal Witness Protection Program needed to relocate my family due to mob ties
3. Parallel universe jumping via remote control found at Jerry O'Connel's garage sale.
4. Eaten by radioactive spiders
5. Went to a hippie-fest like last summer and ended up "riding the snake" a little too long
6. Book tour through most of literate Asia
7. Ran out of material
8. Chose a life of solitude in the remote jungles near Bangladesh
9. Filming new reality show about people who are boring and will do anything for money
10. Got injured surfing Costa Rica's infamous "Salsa Brava"
11. Joined think thank to examine the use of "Sanford and Son" in reducing genocides in Africa
12. Busy writing the screenplay for the movie version of "Perfect Strangers"
13. Fell through a time portal that took me to the height of the Hittite empire

Anyways I'm back. I wont waste time dispelling rumors but I will say that in my absence there has been a lack of reflection in the world and abundance of fake laughs. I have learned a lot of things since I last wrote, hopefully that will translate into interesting writing.

I'm about 60% back. Hopefully the rest of me will make an arrival by early next week. If you knew where I really was for the past week and we haven't spoken consider yourself an asshole on an order of 8.34 on the Romero-Simpson Asshole scale.

But How?

2005-06-09T23:12:00.000-04:00

Some of my friends might be thinking that I have forgotten all about them and chosen to do other things with my time. Well, if you'd like to know what I am doing right now I will tell you. I am watching a show about conjoined twins and icing my knee every 20 minutes.

Huh?

That's right, my knee is messed up again. It is all swollen, and is almost locked up once again. Thankfully Melanie enjoy ambulatory men and has found our time quite pleasant. I think I would have put my head through a wall if she wasn't here with me now.

I promised funny, I know I did. I apologized for the crap I wrote earlier this week and I've already started this one asking for pity. Let's try something different and recount the Seether/Crossfade concert.

Things I learned at the Seether/Crossfade concert:
1. Roadies eat a lot of shit the hours before the show
2. The Crossfade guys do a lot of Coke.
3. When the tour takes a break Seether will be partying in Jamaica
4. No roadie ever forgets every single show he worked on.
5. The NHL will resume at its regularly scheduled time and location with the players gaining nothing from the lockout.
6. Women should change clothes between the opening bands' sets.

I don't know if I had mentioned this before but my friend's brother is the lead singer for Seether, and the only constant part as the other members seem to change a lot. Therefore the main reason I went to the concert was not to see live music, or to see what any of those guys looked like. I went to see a friend. The doors opened late and a big line formed in front of the venue, but that only benefited us as I found my friend sticking his head out the bus looking at the line. We looked real cool in front of all the 13 year old music aficionados when we were invited onto the bus. In the bus we heard about what tour life is like, what my friends plans were, how the Crossfade guys are douche bags who do too much coke. The best part about that last statement was that it was made by a roadie who detailed every show he's ever been on, including Van Halen. It must take a lot of coke to make Van Halen look like prudes.

Once inside we were able to see all three bands perform (the first band was called No Address, or Bad Address). We watched the first band from above and found that we were on the right floor b/c there were other non-teenagers on that floor. The only problem was that some of these fans were middle aged and this one lady decided to rock out more than anyone else even though the kimono she was wearing was rocking her out. As soon as Crossfade started she ripped off the kimono and sported a halter she apparently had bartered some unsuspecting adolescent for.

We watched the Seether set from the sound booth with our new found roadie friend. Another thing I learned thanks to the amount of times Mike (the roadie) repeated it was that "all personal relationships go to shit as soon as you hit the road." Really? Thanks buddy I'll keep that in mind next time I think about becoming a roadie. Somehow this guy still had something on his finger that seemed like wedding band. Weird, I know.

The whole thing was a bit subdued thanks to the amount of pain killers I took in order to make it through the concert. That was probably a mistake and the cause of my current situation as I overworked my knee and now it is still swollen with fluid.

Today is the first Thursday in a long time that I am unable to go out, or just don't. I actually got into a rhythm with all the dancing. My only wish now is that I am severely missed and my ego is further inflated.

I've got to go now, but please remember to send money instead of flowers or get well cards.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Midnight Creeper" by The Eagles of Death Metal.

Music Machete II

2005-06-08T14:59:00.000-04:00

I got the new White Stripes album a couple days ago and have been spinning it since in order to get a grasp on what is going on these days with the two best things to come out of Detroit, MI. I'm not sure if this album is out yet but here's my review:

"Get Behind Me Satan" - The White Stripes put together another album that lives up to their reputation. Bold, brash, and bombastic are usually good descriptive words starting with the letter "b" that describe their sound, and little has changed with the new album. Things have mellowed out for Jack and Meg and they show it in the lyrics and light fare some of their songs try to tackle. You'll find more piano and xylophone being used here than in the 5th grade band recital, thankfully more creatively too. While you can still expect some of the songs to blast away on the chorus and chop through the verses there are moments or melodic harmony that have never been done as subtly by the Stripes at its done on this album. If you don't know much about the White Stripes previous music outside of their singles this album is a good starter kit as Jack keeps things simpler and doesn't break songs down just to show you how he can pick them back up again. Has definite growth potential.

I went to the Seether/Crossfade concert last night, but I don't have time to write about that today so I'll try to remember to get to it soon.

I'll try to spark things up in my head so that tomorrow's post salvages the week. If not I'll appease the literary impaired with some pictures. Enjoy Hump Day and remember to get over it.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Yer Blues" by The Dirty Mac

Hot Cakes

2005-06-07T12:59:00.000-04:00

These days I've become increasingly motivated to find a job. It isn't that I haven't been trying before. I've already applied to, hmmm I'd say like 16-23 jobs by now. Nothing has really panned out just yet. One place has asked me to interview but after reviewing their website I'm not sure how differentiate them from a Cutco knives wholesaler.

Right now I am focusing on getting a job in Chicago. I can't really say what is attracting me to Chicago other than that there should be plenty of opportunities for the career path I am stumbling down. I also want to be in a big city and am not attracted New York and the way it transforms you into tolerating a lot of inconveniences. I'm sure my sister, who lives there, would argue against this point but when you can open the door, turn on the TV and take a shower with only having to pivot on one foot I think any argument made against convenience is a bit construed.

This post is getting pretty boring and I am getting frustrated trying to figure out how to get more people to read it or in other words write something more people would want to read. People in general don't like to read. It seems to be in the same category as running, soy products, and being sober. I know if I wrote more about Pop culture, sports, and reality television I would already have my own following, but then I would just be another Ann Landers or Steven Cocojaru.

In the sake of ending this quickly and leaving work to go watch my favorite South African friend's brother's band today I am going to put a list up.

Top Names I Would Never Name My Child:
1. Hamish
2. Rigoberto
3. Egon
4. Advil
5. Orgy Funcakes
6. Coprophilius Poupou
7. Griffon
8. Mackenzie
9. Justice
10. Iota

Today's post is pretty bad, but I'm trying to keep the frequency high.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Blue Orchid" by The White Stripes (b/c I'll be reviewing it later)

Huckleberry Hound

2005-06-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

For most people thoughts of how they would raise their child or rules they would implement in the household float around their heads at a relatively early age.

I for one have already decided that I will maintain a separate domicile from my children. I will keep them locked in until they reached the cognizant age of five, providing them only with a television, stuffed animal and occasionally some candy. I figure I can just slip food and water through a hole and go in every other month to clean the place.

Obviously I am only joking, I know there are laws prohibiting such behavior, but my general point is that people plan their parenting techniques in the years leading up to it. Mostly when they are unprepared or far too ignorant to make any type of educated decision when it comes to child-bearing and raising.

So where am I going with this you may be asking? Hold your horses (how do you hold on to more than one horse? What a defeatus statement) we are getting there.

My point is that almost everyone wants their child to grow up to be honest and forthright, not a liar and hypocrite. Although many accept those flaws from themselves hardly anyone tolerates a standard that would perpetuate a child into becoming two-faced.

What I want to bring up is the fact that we build machines to exemplify a hypocritical attitude. The one machine I want to look at is the ATM. Everytime you go to an ATM you end up paying it in order to pay you. In other words you give it money for it to give you money. How is this not the epitome of hypocrisy?

You go to the ATM b/c you need money to eat and you tell it "Can I get some of what is mine?"

ATM says- "Sure, but first you will need to pay me"

You respond- "But its my money that I'm asking for, why are you trying to take something for giving me what is mine."

ATM concluding - "Pay up or starve"

The best personification of an ATM is that friend that gives you a birthday present or says they will pay for dinner and then goes home and writes it down in a book so they can compare it to what you have given them. Sure they'll be nice and offer to help you out but in their mind they are already charging you a price for accepting their "kindness."

I find that there are more and more people like that, obligating me to return a favor, or instant karma even.

So to put it all together- We want are kids to be honest and forthright yet subject them to constant exposure of a machine that embodies hypocrisy (the ATM). Of course the world is full of jerks, all those technicians with no manners or social experiences are the ones building these sassafrassin' machines we spend so much time interacting with.

If you want to act like an ATM make sure that I won't be sticking my card in you. I don't know what that means, literally or metaphorically but take it as you like just don't take my money you greedy son of a bitch.

I think I got a little to worked up there, but I hope I got my message across, as bullshit filled as it is.

The Song of the Day for Today is "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits.

Clap it up!

2005-06-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

We are now knee deep in year 2 of Michael's Blogging Experience, The Musical.

Last night I was wearily driving back home from dropping off Mel and I saw something that made me realize that the world will not end in war over religion or politics. The world will end from a massive fat induced heart attack. There were over 15 cars in the drive thru line at Taco Bell, mind you it was 1:45 am.

I don't care how normal this might be for you but if you are going to Taco Bell at 1:45 am it is an obvious sign that you desire to be a fat ass. I'm sure you'll just laugh and say "that's so true, but it tastes so good." I'm sure the taste will help you deal with those extra chins you'll grow. Don't forget to stop by Krispy Kreme too fatty.

I figured I'd load this page up with pictures for those who don't like to read.

I tried to hold up Alan's imaginary bongos

I think if I grew a 'stache I'd look like Charlie Bronson

We did it. So can you.

Four years, well done

Me, about to lose to Jeremy at Marco Polo

He takes too long

2005-06-04T18:45:00.000-04:00

Do you know what today is?

My First Year Celebration

Yes, a year has arrived. Time to throw out some cliches:
I can't believe it has gone by this fast.
Wow! Time flies
Who would have thought we'd be here last year
When in Rome

I just want everyone to know that outside of my family this blog has been not only one of the most rewarding relationships but the longest one I have been in.

It has to be a little weird writing about writing but that's what to day is a celebration of my dorkiness, nerdiness, quirkiness, or whatever "ness" you would like to insult me with, but remember I know I've made you laugh so don't try to act you aren't a big dork also. Let's get this started by recalling how the past year has treated me and this blog.

Originally starting under the title "Philosophia Determinada" this web site was the epitome of my ambivalence. I don't speak Spanish much on a daily basis but yet I wanted to use it for a title. I also insinuated there was some intelligent "philosophical" thought behind this. What a mistake that was. A lot of drudgery and self loathing was done. I spent more time talking about how I felt about myself and what was going on in my life, as time progressed I realized I needed to feed my ego more that express my grief. The only obvious way to do this was to learn to be immediately funny (i.e. copy funny things that no one knew of at first and be racist). The second thing was to write short paragraphs that way people would think they are reading quicker.

Everyone loves a pat on the ass, not just me.

After studying at the Rick Moranis School for Humorously Impaired (i.e. Canadian) I stopped eating shit and started making fun of everything I saw. Having a good vocabulary is supposed to be beneficial in this regard but somehow I've been able fool everyone (i.e. all 5 of my readers). I promise that was the last "i.e."

At this point I want to take a moment to address the fact that I am claiming to be funny. Some will read what I have written and notice the grammatical errors others will notice how conceited this whole thing. Those in the first group should e-mail me and ask me for advice on cat names since they will probably lead a long lonely life. Those in the other group should move to the next paragraph.

So glad you could make it group 2. I just want to say "Yes, I do think I am funny. The loads of people who have told me have convinced me that they are professional 'funny scouts' and are capable of authorizing my humor license." I also want to tell you that you are insecure and will forever live in denial, this way I will always be right.

I am going to be honest and say that over 10 people read this page on a regular basis, and by "regular" I mean that they are over my shoulder right now reading as the words fly out of my ass.

As for my past year I guess the biggest difference that I have gone through is that I am much closer to being consistently happy with who I am. I don't how much credit goes to writing this blog but I will say a lot just b/c it is its birthday. In other news I graduated from college, figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life, and have met the ultimate and convinced her I am the male version.

I want to thank everyone for encouraging me and driving me to get to this point. I want to thank Ms. Klose for teaching English to me for 4 years, acting like a friend, and then telling my friend's girlfriend some lie of how I wanted to punch her (the girlfriend) in the face.

If you can please read my first post just so to make this one look better. Also please leave a comment detailing your most memorable moment in The Daily Lorenzo's History.

I'll be out celebrating and reminding everyone how great I am. Kudos to me! Congrats to blogging! Best wishes to literacy!

Party For Hire

Today's Song of the Day is "Roland" by Interpol. God personally requested it

More Like the Nape of Your Neck

2005-06-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

Things you should know before reading this blog.
1. When I say Asians I mean East Asians, like the ones you imitate by squinting and saying words that end in "ong"
2. It's Friday so you shouldn't be reading this past 7 pm
3. Prophet Yahweh is being run out of Las Vegas. He could be the first person to be exiled based on having too close a relationship to Aliens since Charles Lindbergh.
4. Tomorrow is this blog's one year anniversary!

I want to take a moment to tell Vicky, Vicki, Vickey, Viki, fuck it I'm gonna have to call you Victoria, thank you for driving last night. I also want to thank Frank for the pre-bash beer, Killian's is always welcome in my liver. Melanie you drove me home. I passed out on the ride. Thank you for not pushing me out mid-drive. I'm sure there's other people worthy of being thanked but I'm an asshole so I've already forgotten whatever it was they did.

I was wondering today why there aren't that many Asians in Miami, FL. In most other cities you tend to run into them in the streets not just at Canton and King Buffet like here. Is it all the Hispanics? I've never been to Mexico City but I am under the impression there aren't that many Asians there. They all went to L.A. and 85% of that city is identical to Mexico City. I guess we can throw out that Asian - Latino feud.

How can Miami be considered a world class city when it is void of Asians, the largest ethnicity in the world. They have already conquered this planet and various other ones also yet for some reason they have left Miami untouched. Do they know something that we don't?

Personally, I only know 4 Asians and only 2 do I know their name, and one of those is Jamaican so she only looks Asian. The other one's last name is Abramson. Even the Asians I do know are hardly Asian. I feel deprived. I feel a need as I write this to be immersed in Asian-icity, but I would like to keep the way I smell. If you know someone who's Asian and lives in Miami talk to your friends and tell them so that you can match them other Asians and they can have little Asian babies. You'd be doing it for your own kids, so come on and lend a hand.

Remember tomorrow is the one year anniversary for The Daily Lorenzo. Make sure to be a nerd and use the computer on the weekend.

Monica you've won the free tickets to the 1st Year Anniversary bash @ the Opa Locka International Airport brought to you by Hellmann's Mayonnaise.

That's it for now I can't think of anymore. I'm out like UFO's in Vegas.

Today's Song of the Day is "I Love LA" by Randy Newman

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

2005-06-01T11:07:00.000-04:00

Aliens are coming!

But first I want to address the comment that was made about the last post. Here's my answer: I plan on buying FCS and then announcing its merger with Olive Garden immediately after the homecoming float parade. Sure, Jesus was a Jew but everyone knows he loved lasagna and bruchetta.

Ok, so Aliens are coming(!)

No, really it's true this time. We were just lying the 36,088,291,519 times so that you wouldn't panic when it really happened. So, don't panic, but Aliens are coming. No need to worry though we already have an ambassador that has been in charge of the reception committee for a while now. His name is Ramon Watkins, he's the guy who looks like a black genie on the bottom left corner of this web page. Ramon, or "Prophet Yahweh" as his friends and admirers call him, has perfected the ancient art of UFO summoning. He is able to cause UFO's to appear in the sky above him and fly around for a while. The second part might be a result of him taking them so far off their path. I'm sure they weren't trying to come to Earth and then this guy forces them to take a severe detour, confusion and disorientation ensue. If you have some time this summer head out to Las Vegas where, starting today, the infamous Prophet will be summoning UFO's on command for all to see, even the media. Be careful b/c nowhere did anyone say that he can control these UFO's. Once they show up you are in control as much as he is.

I'm sorry to anyone if I am underestimating your UFO controlling powers.

To read a report on Ramon and see a video of him summoning UFO's click here. (Editor's note: The video is part of a news cast so you need to skip ahead some to get to the video.)

Now I want to take some time to talk about myself. Recently I had a friend tell me that I only hang out with the same people all the time. There are many reactions to have to this and anyone who frequents this page (all 3 of you) knows I love to list so here it goes:
1. Am I supposed to be making only vague friendships that predicate me needing many to take up my time.

2. The book of Proverbs says in chapter 18 verse 23: The man of many friends (a friend to all the world) will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

3. This one will be a first I will sub-list all the people I hung out with this weekend (starting Thursday and I do include dogs b/c I enjoy their company):

Arturo

Caro

Brian

Christian

Chris

Jamila

Danny

Kurt

Jeremy

Jon

Jenny

My Mom

David

Frank

Lola

Alan

Helen

Monica

Edgar

Kristen

My Dad

Sabrina

Some Guy I don't remember his name

Vicky

(another) Danny

Victor

Gio

Alex

Walter

Another Guy I had met before but never remember his name

Lunar

Juanki

Carlos

Jason

Dori

Stefani

and Melanie

SO if those people were the ones that were meant by the statement that I "hang out with the same people all the time" then yes, I do. And when we go out we travel in a School Bus that has Disco-inspired hub caps and a rotating crew of immigrants as chauffeur.

I hope that answers any confusion as to my ability to "hang" or "chill" with more than a closed circle of friends. Why can't friends just be happy to see each other and not count the times they don't see each other?

Leave a comment and you will automatically be invited to the 1st year Anniversary Bash for The Daily Lorenzo, on June 4, brought to you by Hellmann's REAL Mayonnaise.

Today's Song of the day is "In My Head" by The Queens of The Stone Age

I'm done. Welcome to June. Bye May, thanks for the good ending.

2005-05-31T16:51:00.000-04:00

Here's an update on the Frank & Beans Scandal at Gulliver Prep. Lazer Collazo, the coach who will show you how to "cup the balls" if you ask nicely, has resigned from high school baseball and will coach solely at his own baseball camp, Hardball Academy. Also he showed his players his nuts before the game not after. You have to imagine that the kids were a bit distracted at the plate when they heard cries from the dugout to "keep their eye on the ball". They lost the game to the school I went to, Florida Christian, which would claim that they are not associated with me if they ever read this blog and clarify that none of the views expressed on this site are their own. They'd rather be associated with the guy from the class of '87 who is managing an Olive Garden. I still plan on buying that place eventually, don't ask me why.

I want to take a moment to write a small ode to the people who always have experienced better than I. Everyone falls into this group, even yours truly (egads!). Apparently it seems impossible to some people to relate to your story. Here's an example using the two Daily Lorenzo Players: Alex and Chris

Alex: Oh My God, you should've been at the party last night it was out of hand!

Chris: Really, why?

Alex: We showed up and everybody started handing us drinks and these chicks were all over us.

Chris: No, way!

Alex: Yeah, it was the best party I had been to in a long time

Chris: That reminds of that kegger you pussyed out on last month. Man bitches were ripping my clothes off as I was doing a keg stand.

Alex: Um, ok, you already had told me that story.

What is Alex supposed to do in this situation? I can assure you that a great way to piss people off is to top their story no matter what it is. That's your tip on how to be a prick.

Changing topics I want to touch on the general opinion that people have of "middle America," which seems to be a term people use for people in this country who acts like dumb hicks even if you live in North Carolina. The stereotype that seems most common is that these "people" are ignorant and say anything to be on the local news, even if it proves they are their own grandfather. If you think this is a trait that is exclusive to, or even originated from "middle America" you are dead wrong. The British are the originators and perfectors of the "ignorant blurb," and in the forum of soccer, yes soccer not football, Britons seem to be the most ignorant people in the whole world.

If no one knows an American bought the most famous soccer franchise in the U.K., Manchester United, and it isn't working out to well. In fact fans are saying to boycott the sponsors of Man United. Why? B/c an American owns their team and they don't like Americans. I'm sorry but was I mistaken in my assumption the America has owned England since the 80's. Was I wrong?

Either way all these Britanians spend their time in the streets screaming at their top of their lungs how they want to kill Malcom Glazer, the Yankee that bought their team. Who cares who owns the team? Half the team isn't British and their top player hasn't been British most of the past two decades. Half of London isn't even British, who are these people kidding. The country who's main export has been pasty looking celebrities for most of the past half century.

I hope everyone had a memorable Memorial Day, I know I did.

The song of the day today is "Exodus" by Robert Marley

I'm out like most of the whites in Detroit.

Music Machete

2005-05-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

A friend in D.C. asked me why I don't review music. This is how I'll do it.

Kaiser Chiefs - "Employment" - British band that gives insight on what an all-boys school choir would sound like if that school had no athletics. Driving sound, a little whiny with the synth on certain tracks. Kind of music you dance to today and tell your kids not to tomorrow.

The Bravery - (Self-titled) - Drummer likes cymbal syncopation, guitarists likes new wave riffs, bassist keeps it bouncing, and the singer wants to make sure we all know how depressed he is. Moaning and groaning is the name of his game. This is a band that has the new power-pop type music down technically but you could have scratched up your Killers album and made this album.

Weezer - "Make Believe" - Rick Rubin produced this one so you know its going to be crisp, clear, and well constructed. There is little to complain about if you are a casual Weezer fan but to those who aren't this album and its lighter material should keep the bands from enlisting more fat girls in their fan club. Songs about "freaking me out," and "being best friends" provide evidence that for once Rivers Cuomo isn't completely mad at the world and all its rejection dispersing women.

Jack Johnson - "In between dreams" - Do you like Jack Johnson? The you'll like this album. Nothing has changed except the names of the songs. Using the same guitar style, light drums, and bouncy voice inflections Jack is creating a trademark sound if only by constantly using it and developing it. If you have nothing to do one day and find yourself reading on a couch this album will keep your ears cozy.

Gorillaz - "Demon Days" - They finally come back and what do you know they're taking it easy giving us an album that smoothes over chunky and tweet-filled synthesizers. Although altogether a mellow album it does pick up at some points with incredible rhythm that will leave your ass in charge. If you like mellow hip hop and enjoy funky beats this will get you by.

Those were the last few albums I downloaded and actually have listened to. I also have Handsome Boy Modeling School's last release and Team Sleep's entry to the summer music collection. I've listened a little to Team Sleep and enjoy it. The closest thing I can compare it to is to Deftones song "Digital Bath." Sorry, if you wanted stars or a numerical scale you need to look elsewhere, and while you're at it figure out what it is you like along the way.

To everyone leaving to the Key's for Memorial Weekend I wish thee well and hopefully everyone will think about not driving drunk back or to the Key's. Thankfully most will be stuck in gridlock traffic and not be able to go above 20 mph most of the way.

To those going to see Dredg this weekend, be it Orlando, St.Pete or Gains I commend thee for making the trip to see a worthy band. There will be no disappointment on their part. If you're taking the trip to impress that rocker chick you met in hopes of finding the secret path into her pants your on your there buddy.

What will I be doing? That's always up in the air. I know I want to get out of this town, but that is nothing new. If your in town give me a call I'll be throwing a party at some unsuspecting friend's house.

The song of the day for today is "Under My Thumb" by The Rolling Stone

Toss it around

2005-05-26T11:58:00.000-04:00

An article came out today in the British news magazine (read: tabloid) "The Sun Newspaper" detailing the superiority of children raised on nuclear wastelands. Studies have found that the children that were raised in Chernobyl, the site of the world's only major nuclear meltdown, perform better than normal children in IQ and physical tests. Some of you may just say this is a typical "shit" story that always appears in tabloids. Let me just say that other news organizations are already picking up on this story as you read. I am not trying to arouse mass hysteria but I think everyone should be aware that some Super-Russians are beginning to reach the prime of their development.

Another appealing avenue (ahhhh! alliteration attack!) to take from these findings is to start conceiving and raising kids on nuclear wastelands. Two immediate benefits would be the heightened immune system (less money on healthcare) of the children and the extra time and space everyone else would have.

Sure some would miss out on the cuteness factor and all that gosh darn adorability but there will be just as many entrepreneurs seeking to profit from this that I am sure some type of Baby Land theme park would be created. Perhaps even multiple ones so that you wouldn't have to drive far, but let's not go nuts here b/c we don't want it to become like another Six Flags.

Everyone would have so much time and wouldn't have to worry about babies always being in the way. Women wouldn't have to worry about hiding their children from unsuspecting bachelors and conversely men wouldn't have to hear anymore of that single mom crap that's always used as a crutch.

We wouldn't have to spend so much time on scientific research; these super babies' brains will be bulging out their ears reaching out to solve any obstacle the laws of science has put in our way. Warp speed here we come!

Of course we would need to watch these super babied closely b/c we don't want them taking over. This would then add to the benefits b/c of all the jobs that would be created to supervise the babies. In my opinion any able-bodied adult is capable of taking on 4 - 6 babies by themselves. As long as things are kept in that ratio we should be fine, unless the babies come up with some death ray, but obviously we'd have to make sure that anything they build is constructed using these supplies only:

Play-Doh
Macaroni
Popsicle Sticks
Elmer's Glue
Cotton Balls

As long as its kept to that I think they should remain defenseless, but I'm no nuke-baby so we'll need to make sure about that one. Perhaps kung-fu training for the guards would help.

So yeah, it worked for the Russians and I think we need to hurry the hell up in this country and start getting laws passed and baby drop off stations built. We don't want to fall behind in this regard.

Write your congressman or woman and tell them: NUKE MY BABIES!

We try and find somebody else who has a line

2005-05-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday wasn't a great day. Each step preceded one that would falter. The only constant thing seemed to be laughter. I laughed myself into hunger last night. I thought I was done eating then all of a sudden I found my self not only on the floor cracking up but also famished. Somewhere in between an "espendru" tumbleweed and some old fashioned dog kicking I reached hilarity and wound up getting my third ab workout of the day.

Hearing about how Rory Sparrow took a crap on somebody's car was the first one.

Apparently getting cold feet is still a punishable act in the U.S. The infamous Runaway Bride from Georgia has been indicted with a felony and a misdemeanor for lying and some other stuff. She was planning a huge wedding and then realized what America would soon realize thanks to countless press conference- that her soon-to-be-husband was a potato faced dullard that was waiting to settle down and get fat. As you can tell from my assessment I know a lot about the guy. As Junior Deputy of the Runaway Bride Search Party XL I made various contacts with John Mason and quickly noticed how much of a momma's boy he was. As soon as his father was on TV proclaiming John would still marry the fleeing fiance I knew that the height of sexual arousal for John Mason would be ghost pains emanating from where his genitals once were.

I think all the farts have been beaten out of that dead mule, let's just wish them a happy life of getting fat and planning for next deer season in Duluth, Georgia.

Earlier today the Marines launched a surprise attack on an Iraqi province. What is surprising about being attacked in Iraq? (insert laugh here)

Memorial day is around the corner, so make sure to use it as an excuse to drink and eat extra long hot dogs. Obviously all those war veterans would have done the same if they had long weekend. I still don't have plans. My ambivalence has left me stranded. I am available all weekend to entertain. For 3 drinks an hour I can make fun of you and your friends the entire night.

I just want to say I have an ego, therefore I enjoy comments and knowing someone other than my sister is reading this (although I like her reading it to, just that I expect her to already).

If you like steak say YES!

Hello, is it me you're looking for

2005-05-24T10:05:00.000-04:00

Do you know who Lionel Tate is? I'm sure you know the type of person he is- a criminal the system perpetuated. He's an example of how jail time and liberal means of punishment can create detriments to society. For those not in the know or unwilling to listen to the media Lionel Tate was the young boy from Florida who killed a little girl using a wrestling move he said he learned on TV. When he was using his "the WWF made me do it" defense he became the youngest person in the history of the United States to be sentenced to life in prison. Later Lionel changed his story and cleared up any confusion of whether wrestling kills kids when he claimed that he had jumped from a flight of stairs onto the 6 year old little girl. This story seemed to please the judge b/c he was immediately released from jail and placed in one year house arrest with 10 years of probation thus following.

Why bring this up? Well Lionel awoke this morning in jail b/c he assaulted a pizza guy with a gun while at a friend's house. Lionel then thanked his friend, who is 12 years old, for letting him commit a crime at his house by beating the shit out of him. I can assure you that in my moderate grasp of wrestling there's no comparable move to the one Lionel pulled.

here's what Lionel's attorney had to say and keep in mind the guy's last name is Rosenbaum when you read this quote: "I heard he jacked a pizza delivery guy, which I can't believe happened"

Sometimes you can just tell when someone has already bought their ticket to Hell. Other time you have to ask.

The intriguing part to me is the house arrest. A year of house arrest. No work, no worries except to make sure that you sleep in the same house for a year. If I were in that type of situation, not only would I be throwing a party at my house as many nights as possible but I believe I would become very skilled in: pilates, guitar, gardening, baking, pull-ups, and this blog would be incredibly better. I really should look into this house arrest thing.

I'll try to be funny later.

London Calling

2005-05-22T17:33:00.000-04:00

Did you see me last night? I am not trying to insinuate you were stalking me or sneaking behind the bushes. It is that I just don't remember. If we didn't meet last night I'm sorry, I should have called, but for all I know I might have. In case you hear what I did last night I just want to say that I deny everything, but if you could relay what it is you heard that would help me know what I did last night.

Sunday morning is always better if it starts with a disclaimer.

I went to a party last night, and somewhere along the way I forgot that I was hoping to have a relaxed night. I went to a party full of people I only remotely know. Most of them went to college with me but I wouldn't say that more than 2 of them would be able to tell you my name. At first when my friend brought up going to the party (he's in the loop) I first thought that I didn't want to be around a ton of people I don't really know and have to make up things to talk about. After thinking for a minute I realized two things:

1. I spend a lot of time as it is making up things to talk about. This blog is exhibit A

2. I don't worry about consequences when I'm around people I don't know.

Thankfully I've had enough experience with #2 to know how much faith to put in it. At some point in time I really stop giving a shit about almost everything. Sure I get passionate about things but I just as easily stop caring. If I don't know someone I'll try to not offend them but I really don't care what they think. At this point my sister is reading this and thinking "but you should care about what people think of you." Which I then respond with, "If I'm a great person won't I act like a great person, therefore be a great person in someone else eyes."

I really don't want to get into the metaphysical nature of all that b/c I can already feel this post going to shit faster than Joe Rose. My mom has a song about her taking a shit. Random? Yes. I don't know who came up with it, and I don't know what distinguishes my mother in that regard, but shit's funny and songs about it and your mom are even better. Write one for Father's Day, I can guarantee he'll appreciate it. I'm going to write my mother's shit song. It is Spanish and I might not remember the lyrics too well, hopefully my sis will chime in with the right lyrics or readable Spanish at least. You have to sing the drum part, if not its not danceable.

Maria Alina
(tootoom toom toom)
Maria Alina
(tootoom toom toom)
Se Fue corriendo
Se estava cagando

You're supposed to put one hand to your mouth when you say the last part, that way it looks like if you're saying something under your breath. Please don't copy my song, just take my word for it that my father is one of the top "enjoyers" of that song. I have to admit I'm with him on this one.

I'm definitely going to go sing that song to my mother as soon as I am done here.

I was saying something about not caring about what people thought of me, but I don't know how true that is. Here's the thing, I am an asshole and people seem to be misinterpreting that and thinking I don't care what they think. I care, I really do. I'm just a real ass about it.

Next time you read this skip that part where I explained reason #2 and went into that one man dramatization with my sister.

For some reason the month of April is protesting the new blog template. If someone would be willing to mediate in this situation please let me know, I'm sick of seeing that picture of myself where I'm suffering from some type of facial paralysis.

Three Lines That Start With I:

1. I cut my hair today. I was going for "the gumby" but ended up with "the blockhead." I really should let someone else cut my hair.

2. I got excited this morning about going to see Star Wars tonight, then immediately after I realized why I am single.

3. I feel bad about my grammar, diction, and syntax today. I just want to let you know that I know those words. I'm way too scatterbrained today.

Will go down in history for being the first man to shart on air

General Tso's Homecoming

2005-05-20T13:53:00.000-04:00

In a serious blow to the profession I have attempted to enter the FAA has ruled that "space billboards" are illegal. In case you are wondering, no they do not have spaceships or intergalactic missiles to bring a "space billboard" down but you will receive a hefty fine. I am not making this up.

Last night, or this morning, somewhere in that void as I was on my way to my friends house I encountered a misplaced item. A light post was laying flat across the street. While I was wondering why the guy in front of me was braking suddenly, and reversing I almost missed what I was running over. A huge ass steel light post in the middle of the street. I'm sure if I read what I just wrote I'd think I was drunk off my ass on the drive home.

Since this post has a channel 7 NewsPartyStationPlex feel to it already I am going to report one more bit of news. I am going to refer to the incident that Jim Defede, of the Miami Herald, wrote about a couple days ago. Most people might remember Jim Defede from his compelling coverage of the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. What amazes me is that how someone that is as big as he is (physically) would not eat that grilled cheese, especially on a road trip, and especially with a woman depicted on it, but take from that what you want.

Anyways I'm going off on a tangent like Mr. Kingman, but don't worry I won't be able to tie together how his brother being killed in an army helicopter crash proves that Jesus can save your soul.

So what I want to talk about is how Lazaro Collazo or Lazer, as he is known in Miami, pulled down his pants to show his meat and potatoes to the high school baseball team he coaches. Lazer used to be an acclaimed coach of the University of Miami, I think he was the pitching coach. He was fired in a pretty ugly way and now coaches baseball at one of South Florida's most expensive private schools.

His point in pulling down his pants was to prove that he had balls and that his players had to make sure they too had balls, or what psychologists are calling these days- testicular fortitude. Mind you most of these boys are only now coming to terms with the fact that their balls have dropped and that they do not need to be checked on a constant basis. Obviously Lazer understands that asking someone if they have balls or cojones is a tried and true motivational tool. The sad thing is this type of questioning becomes oh too common in a boy's life by the age of, say, 11 (ironic, eh?).

Lazer was smart enough to understand that the only thing keeping these boys from reaching their full potential was some legal restriction that disallows using one's own penis as a visual tool in public. Progressive as America is it is now understood that laws that keep penises in pants are outdated and archaic, they don't make any sense for today's America. This is why there is no legal action being sought against this man. Everyone, even the head master of the school, which costs over 20 grand a year in tuition, (and a little more if you don't want your child in any classes with OJ Simspson's kids) has no problem with what happened and has defended the cutting edge motivational technique being employed. I don't know if the technique proved effective, but either way would you want to have a lasting memory of some old Cuban man's ball sack for the rest of your life.

Chris: Hey, Alex remember that time we lost the baseball game and Coach showed us his balls?
Alex: Yeah, of course I never forget a nut sack. Man, high school was great.

Lesson learned: If you want to ask someone if they have balls, make sure you show them what you mean so there is no misunderstanding.

Enjoy the weekend. I'm out like Livan. I love you Miami.

I've got plenty of things I've been hiding.

2005-05-19T12:37:00.000-04:00

Someone thankfully took the time last night to tell me how to be nice. The first thing that came to mind is that "nice" has to be one of the most overused words of all. There are many definitions for this word, but I think the two that people refer to are:

1 courteous, gracious, nice exhibiting courtesy and politeness; "a nice gesture"

2 discriminate, nice noting distinctions with nicety; "a discriminating interior designer"; "a nice sense of color"; "a nice point in the argument"

So I was offered a small clinic on how to perform the first type of nice, being polite. I have to say it isn't easy. It sounds easy to explain - be polite, be courteous, but in reality I can't say my first reaction is to be nice. I get in the elevator in my office building and I don't want to be nice to the guy who got in with me. I want to know why the hell this guy had to press the button for three different floors. Is he just wandering around? Is he control panel dyslexic? Its obvious that nice isn't the first personality trait I reach for.

I left for work at 10:30 this morning. That's nice. Waking up Late is nice. The fact that there was traffic every which way wasn't. It's amazing that I can manage to get stuck in a traffic deadlock at a time that the people that are usually driving around are on their way from Navarro to Sedano's to get in on the two for one deal on cans of frijoles. I hate traffic. I have to figure out how to be funny.

Last Train to Clarksville

2005-05-17T11:41:00.000-04:00

I can walk without crutches!!!!! I have no pain in my knee. I can truly say that God helped me through last night b/c for a brief moment my nerves of steel were shaken and I was feeling a bit anxious. When I woke up after surgery the pain was tremendous, but as always the shot of demerol just lifted me back up again. I was able to walk immediately, but I made sure to put some underwear on first.

The whole experience was fantastic, I had a smile the whole time I was waiting. I'm really happy now I have a brief idea of what going under the knife is like. The whole waiting process is weird. The best part about last night is that other than the doc that performed the surgery and one nurse everyone else spoke Spanish. I can now say I know what it feels like to have a surgery and have it in a rich Latin American country. Next time I have to remember to take pictures.

In case anyone is still wondering which option was chosen last night it was #2. I am referring to the previous post and what the outcomes of the surgery could have been.

The new Team Sleep album is really good, I suggest anyone who remotely likes Deftones to give it a try, its not far from what they do when they're chilling out. Thank you Jenny, your taste is on point.

I'll try to start being funny in my posts and write some more later today. Now I am off to return to my non-disabled life, and it feels really good. Too bad I have to go back to work tomorrow.

One Two Cha Cha Chaa!

2005-05-16T12:25:00.000-04:00

I've got great news- I get to wipe out a few hours out of the day today. You gotta love when they put your life on fast forward. I will be operated on later this evening. My knee has what doctors refer to as a "bucket handle flip." That pretty much means that some of the cushioning in the back of my knee has flipped to the front and is locking my knee from fully extending and makes it painful to put weight on it. There are 2 outcomes to this surgery:

1. They put the "cushion" back in place and I spend 5 weeks (at least) on crutches recovering

2. The cushion is too fucked to repair and they take it out, thus forcing me to start putting weight on it immediately but placing me at a high risk to develop arthritis in my knee.

I really don't know which one I would prefer but these three things I know:

1. My armpits are becoming severely chaffed from the crutches

2. The Bravery's latest album is definitely catchy

3. Its hard for me not to make a judgment call on people who create an away message for each day of the week.

Take what you want from those but for some reason I am feeling pretty upbeat about this whole knee ordeal. It has been a while since a body part of mine has overshadowed everything else I do, but this time its a bit different.

In other news I've been wondering whether the denizens of South Florida would be attracted to becoming more knowledgeable of the pop culture that exists past Ft. Lauderdale. I don't think I would be off base if I said that the culture down here is highly internalized. I think this is why so many things are coming out of this area and the rest of the country is viewing it as trendy. The internal characteristic of Miami has allowed it to differentiate itself. I for one don't take the "trendiness" all that seriously and just chalk it up to reggaeton, but I blame everything on reggaeton.

So would Miami be interested in a publication that's main focus is everything that isn't Miami? That's the question.

On a Dime

2005-05-15T19:37:00.000-04:00

I hope the new wider format is more enjoyable. Feel free to stretch out and get comfortable.

I wonder if I can just chalk these past weeks up to "transitioning" and move on already. I really feel stuck in the mud, at least today. I have been crippled by my knee problem and today I finally figured out how to drive a car without the pain getting in the way.

So how can I be stuck in the mud? Shouldn't that be progress enough?

Here's the thing, as soon as I became mobile I realized I have no where to go. Ok, so we reference the proactive lifestyle handbook and see that it says I should come up with something to do to get me out of the house. Obviously I have failed at completing that mission as I am here typing instead of being un-American and getting out of the house on a Sunday evening. I could start calling my friends and see if our collective desires to be spared from boredom would conjure up some form of entertainment. Most often than not "seeing a movie" will be the answer to that question, and I am not going to lie, Sunday nights are my preferred movie night.

I'm going to cut through and just say I don't want to go to the movies. I want to go to a room that is filled with people who are all interested in exchanging anecdotes of how life has a lot to offer. Any live band with a bar that serves cheap whiskey will suffice. I really don't think I am asking for so much. It is impossible for me to do everything or know everything, which is why I socialize. I expect to find about all the things I choose to not do through others and there is no way this is going to happen at the movies.

I was called a loser not long ago, and that 'ad hominem' was supported by claiming that I have spent my entire life only associating with the same five people. I didn't believe that claim had any validity but I can assure you that God has spent the time from then til now proving to me how wrong that statement was. I found myself spread thinly over many friends as I moved from activity to activity. In many instances moving in between people who would rather not be associated with each other. The best part is that at no point were there ever 5 people I could count on to be there. I do enjoy my time alone, but I am more uncertain than ever whether that enjoyment is a cause or an effect.

Perhaps I am unable to give everything to a relationship or block out everything else from entering the scope of my desires.

Perhaps I just need to spend more time with my grandmothers.

I spent the early days of last week looking forward to the weekend and how much fun I would have celebrating my graduation. Instead fate proved itself uncontrollable and expectations were proven futile. I thought I had learned to live for the moment and enjoy whatever I had chosen to do, apparently my knee felt otherwise and had to prove it to me. Thank you knee, I appreciate you giving out on me.

The lack of support has helped me build a foundation.

I can almost walk again.

Class Distinction

2005-05-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

I graduated yesterday but I didn't spend much time thinking about it. The main reason is that I've severely fucked up my knee and can't walk on my right leg anymore. Yes, that is right my new found disability was the main attraction at the show I put on yesterday. I even went on stage in crutches to accept my diploma, quite pathetic, I know.

Afterwards I had a big meal with my family, that turned out to be fantastic. I don't think I've ever had a steak so good. The gifts I recieved at the dinner are what really made the night fantastic. I am not going to lie to you I knew to expect something substantial and was not left disappointed.

So my knee is fucked up. It hurts a lot and I find it a little hard these days to be humorous b/c of it. Although it was probably funny seeing me slip on the wet floor in my dining room. Crutches were flying. I thought the pain would kill me.

Need new shoes

2005-05-10T08:44:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while you get a little reminder of how much of an ass you are. Mine came in the remembering I have yet to get my sister anything for her birthday, and have no idea what I will get her. I had figured I would just give it to her when she comes down this Thursday night for my graduation. If not I would have had to send it to her in New York while she was still here in Miami. I guess I could have sent it and she would have received it today or tomorrow so perhaps I am just taking the easy way out. I know you are going to read this Melissa, so I ask if you are going to make any comments please include a birthday gift wish list.

Today is the last day of final exams for me. Thankfully I didn't have to be like the Eagles and take it to the limit. An even greater perk of being done early with my exams is that I can watch some playoff basketball tonight. In case you didn't understand what I just said I'll repeat it- I have an excuse to go out to a bar tonight.

For anyone who doesn't know yet Dutch radio is the shit and I hope to move there just to enjoy the commute. Although I need to work on understanding their traffic updates.

If there is anyone who is reading this post that has ever or is currently combating a case of nail fungus please leave a comment detailing you experience. The best story will win a free bottle of Fungi Nail, the #1 doctor recommended topical antifungal. 15-20% of the American population suffers from nail fungus, 98% of those sufferers being 67 years of age or older. I know I'm big with the viejo cagalitrosos (Spanish for shitty old people) so I expect a big turnout for this.

I just want to say sometimes I see a random stranger, either in person or in a picture, and I truly understand what Bill Cosby was thinking when he came up with the Fat Albert characters.

Cupcake Faces

2005-05-03T08:41:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about a different way of storytelling where you get the lyrics to a song and write a story in between the lyrics using what is already there as a back drop. Obviously some songwriters are a bit more poetic and metaphorical in their linguistic capabilities, but I think almost any song (even "Baby Got Back") could work in this forum. Feel free to try it. I'm not trying to say I came up with this. I'm sure somebody has already done this and created a 750 page novel based on the lyrics to The Doors "Back Door Man" and my sister will leave a comment at the end of this blog detailing its whereabouts and how much I can get it for at the Book & Books next to Blockbuster and behind Pizza Hut, where there's also a Checkers, I think. Some good stories should come out of it and poor storytellers or people who have problems being original (read: the masses) could use it as a "creative crutch."

I think the most creative crutch I have ever seen was made out of a tree limb. People don't get too creative with crutches. I guess people are using their sense of humor when administering first aid. Quite a shame I would say.

This weekend is mother's day. Here's a tip I learned from Mr. T: Just say "ain't no other like my mother" in the deepest baritone voice you can muster and your mom will either chuckle or think you've started listening to that rap music again.

I've been drinking tons of tea these days, and its always hot. I remember the times when I used to be a big fan of "Brisk" Iced Tea and would spend countless dollars feeding my sugar fix with a non-carbonated drink. These days I drink chamomile, greet, and even echinecea, yet I still don't feel like I'm gaining any of the "hippie powers" that were promised. I'll keep you updated on any changes.

Hey, has anyone heard anything from the Pope? Where's he been? I bet he's doing some intensive papal training (i.e. lot's of waving). Does anyone know what CCD stands for without looking it up in the internet or a book? Just thought I'd throw in some more Catholicism in here.

I think yesterday's and today's add up to a full blog. I'll be giving away my bottle of Finesse to the person who gets the most people to read this crap. Who knows, this might be your chance to find a $5,000 sapphire or one of a million prizes (more like pieces of shit) Jessica Borges came up with and announced on my myspace.com page. Remember to tell a teacher today that they aren't a chump for picking a bad career, its National Teacher Day (but they still have to work on their holiday?).

The Breaks

2005-05-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

I have no idea how many people use the shampoo Finesse but I figure its more than the amount that reads this bloc (safe bet?). I know my first experience with Finesse came at my grandmother's house b/c my uncle was living there for a while, and it was his shampoo of choice. Therefore whenever I think of that follicle fantasy in a blue bottle I think of my uncle (even though its clearly a feminine product).

At this point you might be asking what shampoo has to do anything but if you value precious gems and loads of cash you'll stick around. Finesse is having a contest where you are asked to look for a sapphire that is worth $5,000, or additional prizes. I don't know how many types of prizes fit into a bottle of Finesse shampoo but be my guess and fill in that blank.

That's all I got for now, I should be able to come up with something for tomorrow but as I warned at the beginning those are the breaks. Godspeed comrades

I'm into whistling

2005-04-28T18:23:00.000-04:00

Fact: Today was the last day of classes for Michael Lorenzo's undergraduate university career.
Fact: Today is Thursday
Conclusion: Its a celebration, bitches!

I have taken IQ tests before just as I'm sure most people have done. The level I score has always been within the same 3-5 point range. The reason I bring this up is b/c the level is usually described as "appear as a genius to others," "near-genius," and "gives the impression of being of genius level."

I am not saying this to brag or say hey look at me I'm smarter than you Mr. Fancypants. I wanted to talk about this b/c I think this is the root of any self-esteem problems I have. From the get go I know that I am not as smart as people think I am. Constantly being cognizant of the fact that you are not going to be able to meet the expectations of others would be traumatizing to most I would guess. How can I not be modest. I should wear a disclaimer that says: "Dumber Than You'll Think" but that's probably irregular grammar. I ask for your pity as I will forever be an idiot genius.

Sorry to go on for so long but I needed to vent my humoungous brain.

I want to know who got rednecks into "pickling" or "pickle-izing." Any gas station that you go to from Ocala to Baltimore will sell pickled eggs, pickled pig's feet, pickled turkey jerky, pickled mars bars, pickled pickles, and pickled NASCAR hats. Thankfully my friends that read this are some of the few people in Miami who have been past Kissimme and know what I am talking about. It is perplexing to me, and honestly it keeps me up at night thinking about the Native Americans and if they ever pickled. As far as I can guess its an Anglo thing.

What a weird way of coming up with food. If you think of how the first "pickling" happened you'd have to think it originates with rednecks.

Someone put a bunch of food in a jar, for the purpose of this story we'll say it was seed of lambs in the jar, that had water in it and forgot about it. Weeks later they passed by it and said "might as well eat w/e is in this jar before someone else does." That's right not before it goes bad b/c if that mentality was present no one would have ever stuck their hand in the 3-month old cucumber soup and find out they had just struck gold in the form of phallic veggies.

Ok I am done. I went on too long about pickles. I hate pickles.

Let me know if you like the staccato tone I took in this blog. I know many of you are not fond of my usually legato style.

Challah Back

2005-04-26T15:44:00.000-04:00

If the title has left you wondering if you are up to date with the latest slang click on the following link: http://www.foodsubs.com/Bread.html
Go to the fifth bread that's has a picture.

Yesterday a friend of mine, who I won't name for legal purposes, and yours truly connected on a creative idea that has the potential to turn each of us into multi-millionaires. Obviously you'd want to know what the fuck the idea is that I am referring to. We both noticed an incredible void in the food service industry and have chosen to capitalize on it. Maybe its just that Passover season that's got me in a crazy Jewish mood but I think I have found my true calling, which is being considered the co-creator of Chllah Pocket Sandwiches.

I"m hoping someone who reads this puts together the fact that I am graduating together with my fondness for partying. Who knows there might be some fun to reap from the four years of tremendous hardship (you can start scoffing........wait......now).

Steve Miller is coming to South Florida to perform and I don't know where I stand on actually going. Part of me expects it to be fun just b/c he has so many upbeat catchy songs, but on the other hand I usually do not enjoy sharing the same venues as old farts. If you want further insight on how I feel about old people and trying to have a good time you should refer to my previous blog from January titled "Hedonistic Octagon", http://viewfrommichael.blogspot.com/2005/01/hedonistic-octagon.html, its a classic, even the comments are good.

I think now is the best time to make a rule where I refuse to make any critical comments about anyone I know. I'm going to stick to talking about people I don't know personally that way no one will assume that I have any idea of what I talk about or am capable of making an educated assessment. If I've been offensive to anyone I consider a friend (i.e. James) please realize any intelligence I display in conversation is only a facade and any judgments made on my part are consistently wrong. Basically, what I am saying is that my thoughts can only be insightful or irreverent if someone else thinks so, to me its is all a bodily function.

If anyone knows of anymore faults/flaws that I have please let me know I think I have some space left on my sleeve I can wear them on. Thanks to the helpful intervention I experienced (yet remember not a moment of) I will soon be entering asshole rehab in a discreet location somewhere in West Virginia, wish me luck.

Quote of the day: Civilization is the process of setting man free from men

Rampart - a large wall built round a town, castle, etc. to protect it

2005-04-24T12:16:00.000-04:00

I got to play real estate agent today and showed my sister's apartment to this couple from New York City; not El Paso, Texas. I really don't understand what a real estate agent could do when showing a house/apartment that would sway a potential buyer one way or the other. All that can be done is to make sure everything gets seen. If the person likes it is going to depend way too much on things that are out of anyone else's control. I guess what I am saying is that outside of advertising a property and contract dealings real estate agents have an easy job. Its more likely that I have no idea what I am talking about.

Did anyone celebrate 'earth day', or whatever it is called, this past Friday? I'm not even sure what day it was, or how one would go about celebrating it. If google hadn't made a funky looking logo for the day I would have never remembered there was an 'earth day'. That's another one of those holidays with an agenda. I'm sure there is some certain percentage increase in tree planting thanks to that crock of shit holiday. I didn't get any earth day gifts. I didn't give any but I would have appreciated receiving something to commemorate the existence of an earth. Is the word "earth" never capitalized? I'm sure spell check will something. It didn't apparently we think its ok to not capitalize the word 'earth' yet we have a holiday for it. These are some mixed message we are sending the rest of the universe.

In a move to improve global confidence I declare the word 'earth' shall now be considered grammatically correct only if spelled EARTH.

I think my work here is done. World, you are welcome for all I have done to make things better for everyone.

Next time on View from Michael:
McDonald's can now predict your order as soon as you are born! (They only ask to be nice)

Numb tongue Deluge

2005-04-22T11:39:00.000-04:00

I was going to start writing about losing the taste for certain things but in the middle of contemplating what to write and actually starting it I ran into the problem that what I've lost the taste for mostly is the presence of a negative attitude. I don't want this to be about gloom and doom. I need to fight off the effects of not being able to get as much sleep as I would like. The way I see it I'm still trying to make up for February.

These days I find that I am listening to more Dutch radio than ever. I think one of the main reasons I listen is b/c I don't understand what the DJ's are saying. It also helps me get in touch with my inner European.

I don't think many people read this, and more than 2 people would qualify as many for me, so I am going to start making outrageous claims on a regular basis. Today's outrageous claim: The new pope is a German Nazi spy who doesn't know they lost the war and will seek to unite the State of Islam with the other Axis powers.

Hopefully this will come up when someone "google's" "Nazi" and "pope."

My job with the marketing company is teaching me a boatload of things from engaging others in meetings to determining the market size for any given product. The thing that sticks out to me the most is what I learned in the presentation we gave to a client on Wednesday, and that was making others believe you are a lot better than you are. Those clients, as all other ones, have no idea that a big chunk of the work they are paying for is being done by a student, albeit one that is almost a graduate, but a student nonetheless. So far only one person has asked me how old I am and that guy was my same age. I guess he wanted me to know we were both fooling everyone. The last thing I want to do is make people think I am much older than I really am, believe me 22 is a fine age in my mind. What I do want to make people think is that I am much more experienced than I really am. But who knows how well I am doing I might be only fooling myself.

If men were allowed to wear boob tassels, and yes I hope there actually is someone enforcing that men not wear boob tassels, but if they did one of my co-workers would be a prime candidate to put them to good use with the amount of dancing he does. Not just that but the amount of "tittie shaking" that accompanies his dancing is astronomical, and I only see him at work. I can't imagine how crazy his boob-antics get on his own free time. Perhaps boob tassels are an undervalued comedic element. I'll start the research.

I had a body composition test done yesterday. I was using one of those scales that has the metal plates which measure your body fat using some electric current or some other jazz to tell me what my body fat was. It was saying 19% which I found to be a bit high. I didn't think I was that fat, and 19% body fat is officially fat for guys. The real test done at my school's fitness lab came out saying I really have 12% body fat.

Not really anything funny in this blog. If you want something to laugh at you can laugh at the idea of me thinking I'm not fat.

As life gets longer awful feels softer

2005-04-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

If it takes shit to make bliss then I feel pretty blissfully.

If there is one thing that this blog would be useful for is to see the evolution of my perception of my marketing job experience. I started it while I was an intern and now I have moved up to a part-time job. Sadly the next vertical move that could be made given the present corporate stucture would give me total control of the company.

I still enjoy the job, perhaps even more now than before. I feel increasingly confident in the things I need to do and the experiences are building a good foundation (at least I think so). I'm getting more responsibility with each additional day, hopefully I will start receiving compensation financially for this increase.

The thing that proves to me that I enjoy this job more than before is that I actually said positive things about it while I'm sitting in the office on a Saturday.

On the social side of my life I'm starting to the feel the effects of the Patrick Ewing Effect that I spoke about in a previous post long ago. I have a page on myspace.com, I guess you have to just type up my name to get to it. I will try to put a link here somewhere. The only real purpose of it is to get more people to read this.

I'm in between right now on whether it would be better to write a television show or a movie. A movie seems like a bigger deal but you can do so much more with TV. No wonder they say that television shows are a writer's medium, and I'm not claiming that I am a writer or that I know how to write even a line of dialogue for that matter. I'm just saying.

I aint askin' for much. I said, Lord, take me downtown...

2005-04-11T21:39:00.000-04:00

Why is every person only now coming out saying that Michael Jackson touched them in some place or other? My first thought is that the money he paid has run out. Like ZZ Top all he wanted was some tush, but at least Frank Beard and Billy Gibbons thought to go get it from hookers.

This topic brings up another idea. It would be fantastic if Americans were forced to fill out a survey that asked them to rank crimes in order from the most heinous to the most tolerated. Every man would have an additional question next to each crime- Would you allow your daughter marry someone who has committed _____? - and in the blank would be a crime. Call me crazy but I think it would be very interesting and helpful. There would no longer be any shame for crimes that everyone found acceptable. You wouldn't feel bad telling someone that you were involved in vehicular manslaughter, for example, b/c you knew they wouldn't hold it against you. So there you go no more worries about the person you killed b/c you had to change the CD playing on the radio before the next song kicked in.

Another helpful question would be for each person to fill out the number of years that must pass after committing each crime that you wouldn't hold it against them. A breakdown of the filled out surveys could even be made to show people what type of people have a higher propensity to sleep with an ex-con. I know for a fact there are many Americans who would use this kind of survey as a way to reestablish themselves in society.

I have such great ideas, I really do amaze myself. Hopefully one day I will have an idea that tops my dad's solution to soccer games that end in a draw- MULTIBALL OVERTIME (he called it "dos pelotas").

Tell the ZZ boys I found some

Where was I?

2005-04-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

I've got a bad case of the Mondays. The problem is as far as I remember I got some relaxing time in this weekend. Moreover my nights were pretty subdued if not short. I didn't go anywhere Saturday night and Friday night I just chilled at a friends house. I even went to the beach twice and swam only once.

Either way I am tired, and I've realized that being a real estate agent is something I would never want to do. I thought my schedule was pretty jam packed as it could be with term projects' and papers' due date looming increasingly closer. Additionally I am way behind in my reading and I know it will come back to bite me in the ass.

There was a party on Saturday that I was going to go to but when my accompaniment found out the price to get in they didn't want to go. There were about 300 cars parked outside the house so I can't see that party lasting too far passed midnight but they might have had cops hired. ID's were even being checked at the door giving it a legitimate rip off feel.

So nothing eventful happened this weekend. I didn't meet anyone I didn't have a memorable experience, and overall nothing was learned. Maybe all the big things that were supposed to happen to me at the age of 21 have already occurred and things are just in limbo until 22 starts on Tuesday. It definitely feels like I am in a holding pattern.

If I can extract anything from this weekend is that I am going to have to, as my mother would say, "put in my batteries" and get myself moving if I am going to have anything happen to me.

Hostage is an entertaining movie in case anyone is interested in my opinion.

Missing

2005-04-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

I prayed heaven today
would bring its hammer down on me
and pound you out of my head
I can't think with you in it

This could be the fourth resuscitation of my often ill fated blog. Prognosticators can look at my current lifestyle situation and conclude it as being highly conducive to heavy blogging due to my past history of blogging frequency. For further information on this topic see The Harvard Business Review article titled "Expression Outlets for Modern Intellectualists."

I am finding it difficult to make time to apply for a job this past week. My sister would read this and think of how it wasn't that difficult to find time to write this dumb passage and I could have applied instead of done this. True but I am at work and I feel more guilty getting paid to look for a job than getting paid to write w/e the hell pops into my head.

March is long gone but its impact is still sending shockwaves through all that is Michael. A superficial way this can be seen is by how my album collection has increased. A productive way this can be seen is by how I now work at a marketing company as an analyst and not at The University of Miami's Wellness Center as an office assistant. I wish the differences in pay reflected the difference in responsibilities. I could probably make more money if I were on welfare. I won't touch on any more changes that March brought on, but believe me as months go it was a killer.

As far as current events I am really out of the loop. I predicted the pope's death two weeks in advance but I don't think you needed to know much to see what I saw, which was un viejo cagilitroso. At least he can be in peace, I just wish he could've had some before dying. We had lost touch the past few years, but I know the pope as well as anybody to know that he was making the most of his last days.

In a related topic, I just got the new issue of FHM and Mariah Carey was on the cover. As anyone else would have done I checked the date of the issue but that only caused more surprise due to it being a new issue. I never thought I would describe Mariah as plain jane but that's the best compliment you can say about her cover shot, other than she's not noticeably fat, which is more of an insult on her past than a compliment.

I'd like to take this moment to ask when did being jolly not become a requirement for being fat. I remember in the 80's and early 90's the first character trait you would attach to the physical trait of being fat was jolly. I believe the word jolly used only 17% of the time outside of the context of describing a person of girth. That's it for now, I'll leave with some more copied poetry.

Something always takes the place of
missing pieces you can take and put
together even though
you know there's something missing

The World's Other Game

2005-02-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

The NBA All-Star game is being played tonight. Basketball is a game played by minorities and foreignors. The NBA chose to go the same, safe route as the super bowl in this Post-boob-flash era that we live in and put country musicians on the stage.

I am appalled.

I just saw 3 country songs too many, a 6'5" rapping self-proclaimed black cowboy, a back up rapper dressed in a mad hatter costume, several small young white boys trying to pop and lock and a midget trying to imitate an animatronic bear.

I am, as my mom says, estupefacta

Crusty Burger

2005-02-01T18:12:00.000-05:00

Note for later: the shirts don't really exist

Thanks to my girlfriend I now know that it was my eye boogers that kept the women from tearing my clothes off. According to surveys women rank the crusty shade of eye liner high on the repulsive meter.

Apparently there is a tour going around the nation to college campuses to talk about Judaism. It is called, I'm pretty sure, "You don't know jack about Jews." That could be a safe assumption but would I really want to go to a concert-type setting to learn about them. It was in my school's newspaper that I saw this. I will give a more factual report once facts have been obtained.

I will soon be posting tour dates for my annual Chinese New Year speaking tour. People are always trying to convince me that I am a dick, which means this is my year. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Asians will bounce back in '05.

Tomorrow is the most important holiday out of all the one's America can call its own. Odds right now have 6 to 1 Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow over he doesn't see it. Let's hope the odds are wrong and Phil ends this year's cold season. All praise the Meterologist Wizard-esque Groundhog.

Enjoy the picture, sorry no prize this week, but there are cool t-shirts that are free with each friend you bring to the the site.

2005-02-01T18:11:00.000-05:00

11 friends on Christmas

Jello Mold

2005-01-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my grandmother celebrated her 88th birthday. I still am undecided on whether I want to live that long. My uncle, her son, turns 56 today. I am positive I want to live past that age. I am under the impression that those old farts that are out there lifting weights, surfing, running marathons, and eating 5 lbs. of metamucil a day were the people who did hardly anything adventurous while they were youthful. The regret factor is not what leads me to make this claim. I just find that probabilities are high that if you live your entire life as 'ambitious' as those old folks in the "Ensure" commercials you would have nothing left in the tank by the time old age set in. Almost every person would wear down in some form. If I have a choice I am not convinced which end of my life I would want to live dangerously. Perhaps the reckless abandonment would be more enjoyable if I felt like I accomplished something. On the flipside I could grow attached to my life and not want to sacrifice all I had attained. In reality though I doubt I am going to be hunting tigers in some Indian forest, or something like that past retirement.

I deleted several postings from the blog. You can post your condolences by adding a comment.

Time is on my side

2005-01-27T13:57:00.000-05:00

The problems of Latin America provides me with loads of time to think. This is what happens when I connect it all to my pen.

I found out today that the candy known as "Atomic Fireballs" do not break under any circumstances. This could be due to their "nuclear" composition. As I was attempting to disprove this fact by using my foot all I did was confirm the fact that one's foot can break. I think there is a permanent dent in my heel now. Wow, it hurts.

Nobody really reads these posts, but if they did they would notice that new posts are being created with less frequency than at the beginning of the year. The only explanation I can give concerning this topic is that I am currently filming a big budget movie about dog-sledding Afghans in Vancouver. This project is leaving me with little time to post during pre-production.

Sorry, that was all a bold face lie. Actually that was a bold face lie b/c the last paragraph was in regular type. I am actually spelunking in Central Africa and the wireless connection is lost below 83.27 km. Presently I am using two non-native spider monkeys, named Immanuel and Waldo Rigofilipun, (I haven't inquired whether there is any relation between the two) to transport my postings to the base camp where they are then published.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that "Wife Swap is my favorite reality television program, easily surpassing the always drawn out "Real World." The show, "Wife Swap" is always packed with real people presented in a way that makes me feel so much better about myself. Every week my confidence soars to new heights as I realize there are 2 more families in the world that mine, I can happily say, will never resemble. Its almost the compete opposite of the feeling the E! channel gives off.

Its obvious I was bored today so I won't make any apologies regarding this atrocious post.

Paradigm Shift

2005-01-18T18:08:00.000-05:00

So I can post pictures now. Exciting times. Today was the first day of school so I'll try to post some later on this evening

Name the location in this photo and win an all expense vacation with Lola!

Kung Pao Grip

2005-01-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

Unsuprisingly another vice has slowly sucked me beneath its submission. I now watch most movies through their bootleg quality. In an age where movies are so sharp they make looking at the real world like watching an old highlight from the 1983 USFL championship game between the Oakland Invaders and the Baltimore Stars. I still think that roughing call on Oakland's Gary Plummer was bullshit, but let us move on.

I was discussing bootleg movies and how much I know watch. Thanks to the clever Central Americans that dwell around every corner my mother is able to get movies just released to theatres on DVD for half the price of a movie ticket. I tell you those Mayans are the masters of the loophole, I am positive they are great with tax laws.

The quality of the movie, as I mentioned before, isn't great. You really need to be into the movie to put up with some of the difficulties. I had to watch National Treasure on three different DVD players and the ending seemed a bit cutoff. The movie wasn't as bad as I thought, and there were some dark scenes in the movie that came out a bit dark, making it a bit difficult to see what was going on in the scene. It was worth watching but I can say that with certainty b/c I didn't have to pay a cent to sit through it. Next up: Fat Albert

That should be all for now. A couple of closing thoughts:

- Rodolphe thank you for revealing that I am actually forty pounds overweight. I don't know how no one else noticed it.

- Bird you still have my green UM cap. I actually do want it back. You didn't win a free hat b/c you showed up to my house before going out on a bad hair day.

Ok, hopefully I'll think of something funny later. Until then feel free to read my sister Mela's comment made on the previous post. Her comment should make you crack up if you know me.

P.S. Sorry Melanie but the blogging program can not accomodate your desired extra elbow room between sentences.

I need a job

2005-01-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

Dylan McDermont makes a couple hundred thousand by just saying "The playoffs are where moments are made. What's next?"

I'm probably going to have to work for over 5 years to make that type of money. Obviously the way to make money in this country is to get famous first. It doesn't really matter how b/c I'm sure that Bobbit guy made some nice money after everyone found out some crazy bitch cut off his schlong.

I have no plan to cut someones genetalia off or anyway to get famous but I would sure take any suggestion short of commiting a crime.The only part of the job search I dislike is the cover letter. I know its important I just don't have the ability to structure bullshit.

Hedonistic Octagon

2005-01-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

Down here in South Florida there is a relatively new casino that has opened in the Seminole Reservation in Broward County. It's called the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, just click to learn more. They have recently opened an area on the complex that houses nightclubs and bars. What I'm about to tell you is my experience at one of these new clubs.

The name of the disco is Passion, and a more appropriate name doesn't exist since you need a real passion for nightclubs to thoroughly enjoy your time there. There is also no need to be inebriated at this club. The walls vibrate furiously from how hard the bass hits. Most people didn't mind the trickle of blood emanating from their ears. My heart for one didn't function correctly for the next 36 hours. I am not 65 years old, I have nothing against concerts, loud music, or anything of that sort. I think many of my past posts will vouch for the fact that I have been to some very loud venues but that club had to be the most painful to endure soundwise, outside of the Ashlee Simpson performance at the FedEx Orange Bowl earlier this month.

Upon getting into the club, for free thanks to the always hooked up Brian Cohen, the most noticeable thing was how different this club was from the ones down in Miami and Miami Beach. There seems to be a vast shortage of young people in Broward. I have never been to any bar/club there where there is a large group of 40-somethings. What a disgrace. Talk about ruining the evening. The last thing I want to do when I go out is look at old people. Especially ones who look their age and are proud of it. Don't they know that's why there's TV, so the youth doesn't have to see them at night. The worst part was that this balding short man and his date who seemed to be making the most of the fact that the babysitter would take care of the kids the entire night. The two of them made out on the dance floor for the entire time I was there. When the paramedics came to help a girl who had broken her ankle I was sure that they had been called to help this passionate couple out of a sever case of lock-jaw.

Needless to say it was disgusting that they wouldn't stop and wouldn't get their hands out of each other's pants. Every person around them had their backs to them and would only turn in hopes to find that they had stopped or passed out from lack of oral fluids or died from chocking on each other's tongues.

The choice of music wasn't bad. It was mostly hip hop. Hardly any of it was from the past three years though. Could've been better but could've been a lot worse.

A bartender asked me what I wanted to drink and then I guess forgot what I said as he caressed his biceps and went on to serve two other people before coming back and asking again like if I has just chugged the imaginary drink he served me the first time.

The place has potential, tons of it. Especially since it has 5 different rooms and only half of one was open. I guess it deserves another shot but no sooner than 2 months from now. Hopefully by then that nasty couple would have made it past second base.

Book Review

2005-01-09T11:20:00.001-05:00

I am a full book removed from Another Roadside Attraction. I believe this gives me perspective like opening a door for a girl to notice how she looks from behind.

The book is about hippies. Hippies so hardcore they don't even associate with hippies. A friend turned me onto Tom Robbins' work and I decided to give it a try starting with this first book of his. His style is amazingly imaginative and creates metaphors that reverberate in their uniqueness, such as when one girl gets a bad case of diarrhea and says she feels liked a "squeezed cream puff".

The main characters are a clairvoyant butterfly aficionado turned goddess, a modern day existential Tarzan-esque drummer, an ambivalent scientist on the run from alimony payments, a former football star, now a drug dealer/abortiont's agent, who falls into association with a secret sect of the Roman Catholic Church, and an ever vigilant baboon.

That short description of just a few characters gives some insight in how "out there" this book can get. It is definitely a book for open minded people since it requires a high level of detatchment from reality. In truth that's what books are meant for though so perhaps Tom Robbins' novela accomplishes its purpose by being so adventurous in how far it stretches the eccentricities of his characters. He also must've been on or around as many drugs as those hippies were also.

You Can't Plant Me In Your Penthouse

2005-01-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

2 friends from Camp Wekeela just left this morning on a cruise.

Checkers is a good game to play with your loved one unless you're playing with the version that has shot glasses for game pieces.

The Butterfly Effect is still frustrating to watch after the eighth time.

Mexican food consumed past 9 p.m. will haunt you all night long.

How do you tie all these things together? The easiest way I can come up with is to just ask yours truly what he did today. That's right I did all those things and more on this relaxing Saturday. Its past the time the post says its been created but I wanted to stay true to the time my mind birthed this blog post.

I had two friends from Maryland fly down to spend some time with me and check out the city before heading out on a week long cruise around the Caribbean. You'd think I was the weakest impersonation of the Incredible Hulk if you could see how green with envy I am.

I'm also very tired so there's no hopes of writing interesting material. I'll try to use my Creative Juicer tomorrow and have some fresh squeezed verbiage put together.

My Opinion Over Yours

Red Meat (Best Of...#1)

Top Searches That Cause People To Stumble Onto This Site:

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Rosa

Talk about dense!

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The 100th Post (Part 2)

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Clap it up!

He takes too long

More Like the Nape of Your Neck

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

Music Machete

Toss it around

We try and find somebody else who has a line

Hello, is it me you're looking for

London Calling

General Tso's Homecoming

I've got plenty of things I've been hiding.

Last Train to Clarksville

One Two Cha Cha Chaa!

On a Dime

Class Distinction

Need new shoes

Cupcake Faces

The Breaks